Basically there was this guy I was talking too on and off throughout several years from school. He was one of the very few people I have actually told about myself and I told him not to tell anyone (I knew that I should have never trusted him). We spoke on and off for several years, we would talk for months and then he would cut me off for silly reasons saying "I wanted more than he wanted", also he wouldn't answer his phone and would never call me, etc... About 3 months ago he started talking to me again and I thought that I would give him one last chance (he already had like 3 lol), we planned to meet up one Friday in September, then he randomly said at the last minute he didn't want to meet up anymore. That was the point where I thought "nope" I'm not dealing with this shit anymore. So he has been messaging me about twice a week ever since and I have been ignoring him. Now on Saturday he sent me a message on facebook and it said: "Hello, was just thinking and just came into my head. Have you told anyone else about yourself, you know sexuality wise? I was wondering and thought it would make a great conversation starter, especially for people that don't know " Now to me that message looks like a complete and utter threat that he is going to tell people about me unless I start talking to him. The funny thing is I don't know why he won't just leave me alone and move on... When he said he didn't want to talk to me I didn't message him at all. I don't want to be outed now, I want to do it when I am ready (if ever) and it will just add more things to the stress I am having right now. These past few weeks have been extremely stressful for me, I don't want to go into all the events but I really need some good news, its just one problem after the other. I am trying to move on with my life and quite frankly I don't want him in it but I'm not sure what to do with my dilemma, anyone have any advice?
If he's trying to blackmail you, then you need to fight fire with fire. Find something out about him that he doesn't want people to know. The fact that he might be sexually interested in you is good fuel to make him look like a gigantic hypocrite.
He is out as far as I am aware of so I don't think that would work... I am really panicking because I am not ready to come out, my family use Facebook aswell so they could find out (which I don't want to happen). I only talk to a few people from school still but I don't want or think anyone should know my business, if I wanted to share it I would have. If he honestly thinks I'm going to talk to him now he can forget it. I am just going to ignore the message for now. So much has gone on in November, it has been a horror month and it's only 1/3 of the way through.
I don't know how FB works but could you reply/post something like: "This sounds like wishful thinking on your part." This would turn it back on him without you committing to a confirmation or a denial.
This is not what your going to want to hear, and I appreciate the situation you are in is not fun, but the easiest way to splash water on the fire is to remove the issue as a threat. You do that by not caring whom he tells and let him know that plenty of people know such that it's not an issue. A) you can do this as a bluff, and maybe it's enough of a bluff where he losses any desire to act on the threat, but B) you need to be prepared for the downside risk that he goes ahead and tells people. When I was in school, there were costant rumours about my sexuality, and I was not out. Did it bother me, yup. Did I ignore them, yup. Did they stop after a while when people saw it did not get to me and I gave them no reason to think the rumours were true. Yup as well.
Heeeh, i wish i had a "friend" like that, to practice my social skills on. Tinkering with people's brain's is fun. Okay, okay... So basically, don't do anything about it. People in general don't take kindly to other people, who gossip like this. He will hurt himself more, than he would hurt you. Because if someone does ask, you can simply say: "what, no... what gave you that idea". By taking his threat into account, you are indirectly admitting to anyone who might be privy of the situation. Simply, disregard his statement... That alone would discourage him from doing anything. On a side note, from what little i've read, i get a somewhat strong impression that he's into you, like... a lot. Sorry if i'm missing a marker here, just saying. That would be directly admitting that what this guy says is true, so i'd advise against it. Plus, why even bother?! Spreading rumors puts the "spreader" in a somewhat vulnerable position, it's a risk he must take, that he can potentially get seriously burned, if what he spreads isn't necessarily the truth.
Sorry to hear that, awful situation to be put in I can imagine. If it was me I would just continue to ignore him and not give him the satisfaction of a response. Also if you do actually respond to him on FB (especially in a bad way) then he could just show people that message from you. Better off just deleting the message and trying to forget about it. At least you know now what kind of person he is!
If anyone asks about something he says about you, just tell them that he is just mad and spreading rumors because he wanted you to be his boyfriend and you told him you didn't have any feelings like that for him.
I could read his "threat" in two different ways - was it indeed a threat, or just a suggestion for you? You know him best.
Don't trust him or give him a another chance, this is psychopathic behavior. He will manipulate and abuse you however he can if you let this relationship go on. Does he know anyone that you really don't want to know. I know you don't want your family to know but does he know them in any capacity that they would trust what he says? It says you are out to your immediate family correct? chances are he will try go for other friends at school. If he does and they ask you don't deny it, make it sound that you thought it was not important enough to ever really make a big deal about. Then he will look like an idiot..... Also tell someone else who you are out to about what is going on, they may be able to help. If he threatens you in any other way do not be shy to report him to the authorities.
If he is indeed a psychopath, he's very sloppy. I'd say he falls more in line, with a sociopath, but... that is another conversation, for another time... I agree, with the others, who say not to give it much thought. Dismiss or turn it around on him, and let it be. Otherwise, you'll just get into a back and forth situation, and risk outing yourself, before you are ready. You say yourself, you shouldn't have ever trusted this individual, so why entrust him with any focus of your life? You live your life, for you, and not somebody like him. The easiest method here is, just continue to ignore him. To me, it sounds like he can't handle being ignored. You mention that he would cut you off, and ignore you; yet, when that very thing happens to him, he reacts in a very questionable manner. He wants 'control' of the situation, for whatever means. Because he wants you in an intimate manner, because he is a power-hungry freak, or because he has self-esteem issues that, instead of fixing, he ignores by playing with others. Whatever his reasons, you continue doing what you need to. I'd suggest removing him, from any medium, like your phone, Facebook, wherever you can, and let it ride. In the event he tries to make a move, you just shrug it off. Severe his ability to control, and you render him powerless. If he wants to regain control, you now have the ball in your court, and all of the power -- that which he seeks, but you have obtained. The worst he can do is say, "HE'S GAY! HE'S GAY! HE'S GAY!" while pointing his finger, and he'll come off, looking like a total asshole. LOL! Unless he threatens you physically, there is no need to put much into this.
My first thought is, this is not someone you want around in your life. My second thought... sometimes we get messages from the universe when we're ready. So you might just look into your heart and see if you could be ready to come out (as scary as that might sound.) If so... then you can completely take the wind out of his sails by preempting his "conversation starters" with your own announcement.
Thank you to each of you that commented I read through each comment thoroughly. I haven't messaged him and will continue to ignore him. If he outs me so be it. I don't deserve all this nonsense he has put me through over the last 4 years. It was hard because he was the first person that I had a proper kiss with (full on snog for literally 15 minutes non-stop). I did do some sexual stuff with him but I am so glad that I never gave him my full virginity (anal) I am so glad that I saved that, I can give it to someone special. He was the first person that I actually told about myself. He came out at 16 and then a year later when we were the same age I told him. He isn't anything like the stereotypical gay person, if you saw/spoke to him you would think that he was completely straight. Regarding the comments saying that he is into me... I don't know if he is, neither do I care. When we were talking he would never call or text me at all. He never wanted to do anything in public with me either, when I suggested that we go out to lets say London for the day he would say "you want more then I am willing to give, you want something more"... How on earth is me saying we should go clubbing to London or we should go to the cinema meaning I want us to be more??? He has never called me once and the only time he would send a text to me was on the day that we met up, otherwise all communication was done by facebook/e-mail. His excuse was that he "never had credit" lol, I never believed that nonsense but went on with it anyway. He would go like 5-9 months after saying he didn't want to talk to me and then start a random conversation like nothing happened, I felt used to be honest. The thing that is funny is that I haven't spoken to him for like 1 month and a couple of weeks and now he has sent me 7 messages and 2 texts saying that he is "worried about me and asking if I am okay", all on different days. If he is into me he has a very funny way of showing it, either way it's too late. I really am a nice guy and I deserve someone nice in my life. I'm not looking yet but when I do look I hope that I will find them. Thank you again to everyone that commented, I really appreciate it.
Good for you! I hope that one day you meet someone that is truly worth you! You seem like a nice guy!
I know it's not the 'ideal time' to come out. But you have the right attitude, if he outs you, life goes on. Ignore him, get your things in order, and find someone else when you can . You're 21, you have a lifetime ahead of you. Sounds like you two have had some fun in the past, but you still have many firsts to have with the guy that's lucky enough to land you!
