First, please go easy on me... I know these questions are going to sound infantile. I had never dated in high school, or as an undergrad. I just really don't know how things are supposed to work. Some of you may have read this thread a week ago (http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15526), when I met my friend. He asked me out, so it's safe to say he was interested in me. I don't know if I would have asked him out--there's nothing wrong with him, but I could have walked by him in a crowd and never noticed. We've gone out a lot these past weeks, and I really do enjoy spending time with him. However, I really am not feeling any strong feelings of attraction. We can talk for hours, but just recently he asked if he could kiss me, I told him it was too soon. I know I've heard it on here many times, you need to "like" someone before you "love" them, but it kind of feels like I would be leading him along waiting to feel something. I'm really not sure what to do. We've talked so much, and I know he eventually wants a family with children, and I do not. So we definitely want different things out of life. It's kind of like knowing things would never work out with us. I mean, I'm not looking to get engaged tomorrow, but I'm also not looking for a fling. That said, I would be very upset if we could not stay friends. And, possibly because of that, I don't want to get too involved where it would end up that we could not stay friends. I guess I know the thing to do is talk with him about this. I'm just afraid I will hurt him, and I really don't want to do that. Thanks to anyone who has read all this, and thanks for any advice, Michael
You know the answer, you said it yourself. It is better to hurt him a little bit now than to let him go on believing something that isn't true and be more hurt and humiliated later. Tell him honestly that your feelings for him are that of friendship, that you value him as a friend and don't want to lose him but that you are not romantically attracted to him. Try to put yourself in his shoes and imagine the sorts of questions he will ask you and be ready with the answers so that he is not left feeling hurt and confused.
If it's clear that you wouldn't have a future, and you've already figured that out, then perhaps it isn't worth pursuing this relationship - especially if you're not feeling any 'sparks' yourself. It's probably best to let him down easy - and better sooner rather than later. Don't feel bad either. As you said in the other thread - you met this person 5 minutes after being 'out' publicly! There are other fish in the sea. On the other hand (there's always the other hand, isn't there?) life is funny the way it can throw you a curve ball sometimes. The 'plans' that you've both made for your future may or may not work out. Maybe they aren't meant to. So keep an open mind and don't rule people out because they don't fit quite right in your 'master plan'. Good luck!
Thank you both for the replies. I know everything you have said is very true. I know I can't keep leading him on, I can't have this worrying me for weeks and weeks. It's mostly my fault, because initially I was so flattered at the attention, I must have really given him the impression I was very interested in him (as more than a friend). Had I been thinking clearly, I would have probably told him I wasn't ready for a serious relationship, because I truly did only wanted to make some new friends. I don't know... I feel like I just don't know what I want. I've never felt "attracted" to anyone in my life, not more than "oh, he's cute" and then forget about it 2 seconds later. I feel like I'm emotionally empty. Here's this great guy, I really like him, but then nothing. I'm not upset that I didn't find a life partner, but I am very worried that I will hurt him. I do consider him a very good friend. He already knows more about me than friends I've had for 10+ years.
Just wanted to say thanks again for the advise! Talked with my friend today, and thankfully he said he had already suspected as much. So, no hurt feelings, and I think now it will be even easier for us to be friends.
Hey - that's awesome! Chalk this up to experience, and carry on. I'm glad it didn't really damage your chances of having a solid friendship with this person.
