Hello everyone, and thanks in advance for reading. So just some brief background, I am 21 and now a senior in college. I have never had a significant other or sex (I have proabably only kissed 10 or so girls in my life, nothing serious). So I'm still a little unsure about my orientation. I watch mostly gay porn, and sometimes I feel strictly gay, but there are also times I feel I could be attracted to girls and want to have sex with them. I have told one of my two best friends that I think I'm bi. He was totally cool about it, but I don't really ever bring it up. I have told no one else. So my other best friend is honestly just the best dude in the world. We met the first couple weeks of freshman year and hit it off immediately. We could talk for hours about anything. The last 2 years or so I have started to feel a strong attraction to him, which is something I've never really felt for a guy. He's just the cutest guy in the world, so nice and funny. And yes, I do find him very sexually attractive. Problem is, it is REALLY fucking with my life. I find myself doing anything I can to be alone with him, and getting pissed at him when he can't do anything. I'm not seeing him much this semester, we're both really busy with job searching, etc. I've been pretty depressed this semester, so I for sure think there's a correlation there. It's just so annoying, I find myself either loving him when I'm with him, or being really pissed off at him for not wanting to hang out as much as I do. It's so annoying, because it's like I can't get on with my life! But I think I can safely say that I do love him. I'm 99.9% sure he's straight, so there's really no point in telling him about my feelings for him. We still make a hell of a friend duo. But I do want to tell him about my bi/gay-ness because as my best friend, I feel like he should know. I think he would react okay, but as he's not always the best at expressing what he actually feels, I feel like he might say its ok and then slowly drift away from me. I'm really stressed about graduating and going out into the real world as a closet gay/bi, and just not knowing what to do with myself, so it would be great to talk with him a out it. I just absolutely can NOT lose him as a friend. The other thing is, nobody would ever ever guess I'm bi/gay. Not to be stereotypical, but I just give off a very straight vibe haha. I really want to talk about this with someone, I just don'y know if I can right now (especially since I'm not 100% sure about my orientation myself). If anyone could give me some advice, I would REALLY appreciate it. Thank you!
Damn bro, I'm in the same exact position as you right now.. It's kinda scary how much that sounds like how I feel and I hope we can both find a good solution.. I'm honestly leaning towards not telling him. Just knowing that he doesn't feel the same way about me and how thirsty I end up looking might be enough for me to just shy away from him slowly and keep the friendship as just that. And the fact that there is a chance he would try and block me out if I told him just makes my stomach hurt lol x_x Its gonna be hard either way but meh, the life of a closeted is never 100% cake.
Well, if you are already his friend, try coming out to him. See how he handles it, and maybe then tell him of your feelings for him.
I had a really close friend that I had a huge thing for. I was going to tell him but then decided not to for my own reasons. He started dating a girl we both knew but kept me around as the third wheel. A couple years later he tells me out of the blue that he loves me, but then instead of breaking up with his girlfriend he stayed with her and I was left in the cold. We're not friends anymore. I don't think my situation is necessarily the same as yours because I was pretty sure he felt that way about me all along, and I still think he's gay or at least bi even if he stays with this girl until he dies. In your situation I think it would be ok to tell him about your bi/gayness and see how he responds. To me it sounds like the friendship is worth preserving in your case even if it means not telling him how you feel. A good friendship is worth more than romantic feelings in my opinion. Just my thoughts.
I too understand what you are going threw I am well I was in love with my best friend only we have been friends since the 4 th grade. I never told him and here recent we had a major fight and he told me that he knew I loved him and that he loved me to but it was too late by then the damage was done he said a few things to me that I can never ever forgive him for and I only wish that I would have told him my feelings along time ago! So all I can say is this try to find out if he is interested in you maybe in a round about way and if he is I say go for it and tell him how you feel
If it helps I feel like I'm in a similar position... only this friend of mine does know that I'm into girls and guys (not that it makes it any easier because I don't want to muck up friendships etc. as well) (and of course she doesn't know I like-like her) (even though I often zone out just looking at her face... creepy lol) I think it would be important to tell this friend from what you've said, and when you do tell the friend try and keep it low-key. A good way to start it "please don't vomit". It worked great for me XD. Lay it out super clear that you've been this person all along and tell your friend that if he does feel a bit confused about you about your orientation you might have to initially be there to explain to him (hopefully preventing the dreaded "grow apart" reaction). Also, tell him that there is no need to worry about you - nothing bad has happened and you'll be fine! You don't have to say anything about having feelings for him if you don't want (though remember - if you are bi (probs, you said) but give off a "straight vibe", then how many other supposedly straight people out there might actually be on the same-sex-attracted spectrum? Positive thoughts!) You're a big boy, though. This situation does sound like one that will work out in the end and I wish you bonne chance
Thanks for the advice everyone, I really really appreciate it. I'll probably tell him I'm bi soon, but I'm just not exactly sure how to approach it. Do I go the "I'm bi and I don't care, you got a problem with that?" route, or do I go the emotional route? Like I said, the problem is he's the nicest kid ever and probably wouldn't say it to my face if he was sketched out by it. How do I get an authentic reaction out of him? This is a really shitty situation. I literally always want to be around him, and when I'm not, I feel kind of depressed. It's almost like I can't function normally because I always think about him. I almost want to just do my own thing (which I'll probably have to after graduation), but that kind of scares me. I just don't really know what to do. ---------- Post added 16th Nov 2014 at 10:44 AM ---------- What do you think you'll do man? It's such a shitty situation. I feel like if I tell him I'm bi/gay and I find out he's 100% straight, that might help me move on? Idk. Let me know what you think, sounds like we're pretty similar.
In many ways I think "out of the blue" is best - just say it. I think to get a genuine reaction is to just say it when he least expects it. Say, wait for a situation where you are walking somewhere and start of with "so basically, I'm not straight." (and then he may or may not say something in this gap here) then you butt in with "let me explain" and then do so (and then you pull out the carefully illustrated diagrams and lecture notes... not) I was not kidding about the not vomiting line, though. It helped me calm myself (and let the other person know that I was nervous about SOMETHING) Make sure you are calm too. I was shaking all over but I knew that I was going to say it there and then and very calm inside. Its a lot harder to do in your head than in real life! Like how my mum assures me that it is harder to drive a car in a computer game than on the actual road. Or you could send an email. There was this one friend who I said "I'm not straight to" before nearly fainting (it was a really hot day) so I went home and send her an essay via email about how I was feeling. That worked too. Think of the acronym "SUPER" Spontaneous Unashamed Prepared Excited Relaxed And I just made that up myself then! Look, this mightn't have been more help than what anybody else has said - but I really empathise with you and wish you the best of luck about your situation. Baby steps, they say. Lots of intercontinental love LibraryLass (*hug*)
Thank you very much! I appreciate all your advice. I think I'm gonna tell him this week or next week. I figure what's the worst think that happens? I'm definitely really nervous, because as I said, I cannot lose him as a friend. But we'll see how it goes!
Right?! It is a shitty situation.. But I think youre spot on when you said knowing he's 100% straight will help you move on. I'm probably just gonna lay low unless it ends up really eating me up inside. Idk I feel like where I'm at with him is "good enough" for me x_x lol. But shizzz, good luck bro!! I'm sure if he's as awesome as you say, he'll be more than cool with it let me know how it goes. And regardless, you're one strong dude. ---------- Post added 18th Nov 2014 at 12:09 PM ---------- Youre hella right though.. The coming out part is so damn difficult... idk for me I think id just start off with the "there's something I need to tell you" and the emotional stuff.. But then I'd make sure to do the "idgaf, it doesn't change anything about me or our friendship" shit right after so he's not all like "wtf so are you trying to get with me or what" type of deal just in case he actually does end up taking it that way. As for an authentic reaction I guess I would just look him in the eye and be like "I really need to know your honest reaction, I won't be hurt or get mad with whatever you say just please let me know what's up." Something like that while keeping it nice and friendly but sounding a little assertive and 100% serious. Hahah I feel like I'm rehearsing for my own coming out or somethin but yeah that's how I'd go about doing that. There's just so many different variables that goes into this shit like there's no one correct way to do it.. That's why it's so hard for me. It's almost like flipping cards and rolling dice... Or solving a damn equation lol
