Coming out to yourself

I think you come out to yourself once you truly realize what you're attracted to. Ask yourself:

Am I sexually attracted to females?
Am I romantically attracted to females?
Am I sexually attracted to males?
Am I romantically attracted to males?

Good luck

 

The dictionary definition of gay is "men who have sex with men". Since you say you have "sexual lust" for the men you find attractive, then it follows that you, a man, wants to have sex with men. This implies that you are gay (and probably reluctant to admit or accept it, as many gay men initially are), hence 28 years old living a sexless life, also not unusual for gay men who have denied their sexuality.

It is not unusual for gay men to have strong friendships with women, which is an "emotional attachment" to them, entirely compatible with your being gay, and thus not finding them to be sexually attractive. So, where do you go from here?

Maybe it is time for you to stand in front of the bathroom mirror and say "I am gay, and it will be OK" until it starts feeling that way, then start looking for a guy to date. If you don't really find women to be significantly sexually attractive to you at age 28, you don't want to waste your time or their time dating them.

 

Without wanting to sound too base, for me it was the fact that I was knocking one out to images that were predominantly male rather than female. That passed me by until I was about 15 until I twigged that actually that might mean I might be gay.

I subsequently forced myself back in, tried doing all sorts of stuff to "straighten myself" before accepting the inevitable.

My biggest regret in life is not accepting that I was gay at an age at which I was young and cute enough to make the most of it. I'm comfortable now though. Do what you do to be happy and use that to make whatever decision you need to.

 

I think you hit on it here. It's not a binary decision. It's a spectrum. It's a bit easier to figure out if you lie on the extreme ends of the spectrum, but it gets more confusing in the middle. not just bi, but all the shades in between (more gay than straight, more straight than gay, etc. that whole freud index thing)

 

I didn't begin to resolve how things sat for me until I was in my early 40's (I'm now almost 66). Once that process was started, I thought I was gay for several years. In looking back on it, I was probably just taken with the idea of discovering sex with men. Eventually it came to me that my attractions to women were still strong. The idea of bisexuality was much closer to how I viewed myself.

After my first wife and I separated, I considered how things might work going forward. I realized that while I enjoyed the company of men and was physically attracted, I had no desire to live with one. That had little appeal because it would be too much like living with myself. Having been a guy for quite a long time, I know how we think and function.

I think what is at work is that we gravitate to different people for different reasons. There can be people we have deep conversations with, people we party with, people we trust with our lives, etc. For all these situations there may be unique individuals or perhaps all occur in the same person, but there is no implied gender from my viewpoint.

I think you need to hang out with some guys and see where that leads. If it feels comfortable, then think about who would be interesting to spend time with. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it won't. Either way, you'll get a better sense of yourself...

 

sometimes that idea of "dating" can add a lot of pressure. it can be easier to join some meet ups, where groups of gay people come together, or go to some gatherings of gay organizations just to get to know people and make friends. and not with the idea of I'll make friends that can evolve into dates, but just with the idea of making friends. just to get more comfortable. and if that leads to meeting people for dates, so be it. Just don't have to have the pressure of achieving a "date". just some thoughts from someone whose life would indicate that he doesn't have a clue! :newcolor:

 

That was actually my point. Finding people to hang out with through clubs and organizations. In other words, group social settings.

---------- Post added 23rd Nov 2014 at 05:15 PM ----------

When in doubt, check the panel at the left...

 

yeah, me too.

 

For me it was complicated and took a long time.
Initially I knew there was a "problem" in my 20's, so I went to therapy to cure me.
After getting married I was emotionally dead for years. My wife dragged me along to a self defence class. I eventually got to a level where being in contact with my emotions was necessary to advanced in the martial art (well above black belt level). This meant that I had to look deep inside my self and be honest with who I was. One night I just broke down crying and admitted it to my self and my wife. - Needless to say long conversations ensued -

So I for me it was a matter of learning to look into my heart and being honest!
Quite frankly for all the pain and mess it produced, being honest with me was the best thing I ever did.

I hope you can find the contentment inside yourself that you deserve.

(&&&)

 

there is so much strength and courage here. I really can't ever go back to living the lie, pretending to myself that either I am straight, or that I can control it or be "celibate." Just accepting who I am today, tomorrow, forever. that is the place where I can find peace.

 

The thread title really speaks to me.
Different situation, but I feel like I'm going through similar self-trust issues.

One thing that has helped me a LOT lately have been the spiritual YT videos by JP Sears, particularly the one about self sabotage, and some of the others about procrastination and dealing with rejection.

One general theme that I really like is the idea that the entire world is in our mind. When we interact with other people, well ok, maybe they exist somewhere in their own world, but what we *see* are just filtered images of them that our mind somehow imagines. It probably makes no sense by itself, but I find it really helpful to think of other people as projections of my psyche, like little bits of my subconscious giving me hints.

My growth has also been helped a lot by my medicinal use of psychedelics. I add that for completeness and obviously wouldn't want anyone to do anything rash or to get in trouble with any laws. If you do get an opportunity to explore things from that angle, you might end up questioning a whole lot more, gradually unravelling a whole lot of old baggage and building an entirely new model of how the world works.

If you 'know' someone well, it means you've got a nice little model of them built inside your head.
If you 'like' someone, it means you're able to see parts of yourself that you like. If you didn't, you'd just get confused by their blank face.
It can be very tricky. Some of closest people in your head are probably family, and if you're like me, you might be having a hard time trusting YOUR inner thoughts and feelings, instead of trying to conform.

 

Being stuck somewhere in the middle is a bugger! I knew I wasn't straight... I had a sexual thing for guys but then at the same time I could get turned on by girls. The scales where stacked heavily in favour of guys though, I was checking them out more than I would check out girls at a ratio of maybe 1 girl to every 10 guys.

I constantly struggled with the question: "What if?" What if I have a guy and then fell for a girl? What if I had a girl and was really meant to be with a guy? Could I live with a guy??? Do I want to live with a guy??? The questions paralysed me! I would have flings but the minute something had the potential of turning serious I would bail... This rang true for both girls and guys... I didn't allow myself to become emotionally involved, I didn't allow myself to let go and fall in love, it frightens the living crap out of me still!!!

I most certainly understand where you're coming from and what you're going trough... It's not easy. If only I was 100% gay... Would be so much easier to deal with it and move on.

I've wasted so much time with trying to label myself that I forgot to live.

So this year I made a concerted effort to deal with myself with the help of a therapist. I guess I am Bi, leaning towards guys. The therapist refers to me as gay... Maybe she knows something I don't, either way I've accepted that I'm not straight and that it doesn't matter with whom I end up.

I met a guy and we have been dating for 6 months... It's a new experience for me and it feels ok, maybe even safe???

Coming from a small town, gossip spread and my family found out... So there was the confrontation with my mom and I had to admit being in a relationship with another guy... My world didn't end and they've dealt with it much better than I ever could have imagined.

My advice to you is just take the plunge and to live. Meet someone, try dating, if it doesn't work move on... And don't worry whether it's a guy or a girl... No one really cares in the end, the only thing that matters is whether you are happy.

 

I think you've nailed it on the head. Our environment plays a major role in trying to fit in I guess... I don't like being the odd one out that's for sure and maybe that's kept me from living all these years.

In any case, small steps, everything to gain and absolutely nothing to loose!!! I wish you the best of luck on your dates!!! :eusa_danc

 

for what it's worth, some good advice that I have been given (but haven't always taken) is that when meeting an on-line date for the first time, it's best to do it in a public place. Besides the obvious safety factor of being out in public, which inhibits anything outrageous, it also makes it easier to call it a night and walk away if it just wasn't what you were hoping for. like I said, I haven't always followed that advice, but I still think it was good advice.