Hi, I'm in my late 20s. I always thought I was bisexual. I even had a couple girlfriends in HS and college. I've had to tell myself so many lies through the years to stay more on the "straight" side. However, I have finally admitted to myself that, the truth is, I am now only attracted to men. I am definitely 100% gay. The problem for me is that my brother is also gay. He has been out for many years. Because of this, I have felt the need to be the "straight" son. My facade is starting to crumble, though, seeing as I have not been, nor will I be, bringing any girls home to meet the folks. My parents are nice and open minded but still... I feel bad on some level that I would have to tell my dad that he has two gay sons. I have one other straight sister by the way. Please help me if you have any advice or can share a similar experience. I view being gay as totally awesome and normal and who cares. That's why I would like to be open now. Thanks for reading my story!
Hi there! Welcome to Empty Closets! I don't think you need to feel bad; it happens. Dwelling on needing to be the straight son, and feeling bad about telling your dad only puts more stress on you. If you think about it, you have all the things in place to know that your coming out is going to go well. Are you out to your brother? If not, I'd suggest to try coming out to him first so to lessen your current feelings and deeper anxiety.
Thanks for the positive words. That is good advice to come out to him first. It will be difficult but it's a good idea. My apprehension is that he will suddenly have to deal with being one of two gay sons like I've had to deal with all these years.
I guess because we never discussed it. I've dropped some subtle hints through the years but he still thinks I like girls. It would just be a lot to take in, that's all. He of course will understand. It's ironic though that sometimes when I'm with him in public and spot a hot guy, I want to say "check out that guy over there." I will work up the courage to do it.
It's possible that your brother has picked up on some of the subtle hints and maybe already has his own feelings that he might be having a brother who is gay as well. Giving a few more 'obvious' hints (for the lack of a better term) might help. That said, it also depends on how comfortable you are at this point. Going by what you have written, I wonder a little if you feel ready for your brother or parents to know. Have you tried coming out to one or two friends?
I'm ready and not ready at the same time. I have not admitted to any full-on same sex attractions to my friends either. People have suspected and I get defensive. I really thought I could get by being "straight" publicly. It feels like i have admit I've been a phony all along. That's the hard part. For instance, I thought I was fully enjoying sex with my girlfriend in college, but really I would have to think of my guy friends to be able to perform. Other guys considered her "hot" so i felt bad about my inner turmoil. Another thing is that I've joined in the "hot girl" discussions with my guy friends since high school. I do find women "hot" in some ways and I've desperately wanted to be more into them. Especially since my only other brother is already gay. But the honest truth is that I am not attracted to women sexually. I have only pleasured myself to thoughts of men (not one female) and have only gotten off on gay porn. That's why I feel like a phony. I've only been with one guy in real life though, about a month ago, and the kiss finally felt right. I will have to drop the facade in order to truly be free. I know this. But I always freeze when I imagine having to tell my parents that BOTH their suns are gay. Oh life!
Hi Deener, You should check out this video of two gay brothers coming out to their parents... http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FxEypK7z50c They've made some other great videos about coming out, including this one where the parents talk about what it was like to find out they have two gay sons... http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cM9TA7T2-wQ Maybe these would be helpful for your parents to watch. I understand the extra burden you feel, knowing your parents thought you were their one straight son. But it's no different really than a parent who has only one child, and that child happens to be gay. It may be a shock, but good parents get over it and continue to love their kids. And these days, having a gay kid doesn't mean you'll never have grandkids so they can take comfort in that. And I think you're really lucky to have a brother who will truly understand what you're going through. How could you ask for better support than that? By the way, I've been amazed by how many gay people I've met who have gay siblings. There must be something in the water ;-) Good luck to you!
Thanks for sharing your story....for what it's worth, I'm the other side of the story.... the gay man who has been out for more than twenty years who only found out a couple of years ago that my elder brother is gay too. I have since wondered what it has been like for him seeing me out and living my life. In his case there is the added complication of a wife, two daughters and a grandson , with a granddaughter due in about two months. He found it quite difficult to come out to me....in hindsight, I should have known, and I feel bad that I didn't pick up on it. I hope it goes well for you when you do come out. ---------- Post added 17th Nov 2014 at 09:33 PM ---------- BTW, I have heard of a family here in New Zealand with five sons, all of them gay....I wonder how difficult it was for the last one to come out.... no matter how supportive their parents were it still must have been difficult for him.
Honestly I would not feel bad in the least little bit ! You are who you are and you can't help it if you feel gay and not straight , it is not like you flipped a coin and said well its heads so I will be gay today . If I was in your shoes I would probalbly come out to your brother first then move on to your parents . You will come out tho when you are ready so I would not rush things . I wish you the best of luck !
if only my sister was gay... you should seriously try to come out to your brother. he could help you with coming out and to meet guys. Good luck ^.^
Thank you all for your positive advice. Also, I appreciate you sharing your story, Gaysibling. It feels better to know others have gone through this as well. It's really not such a big deal in the long run. I will work on stepping out of the closet. The truth will not be worse than lying or trying to avoid dates with women or having people suspect me. In the future, I hope that sexual orientation is a mundane issue (like preferring brunettes over blonds). Until then, thank you again for all the support.
I met a guy this weekend in our choir, he is gay, as are his two brothers, one older one younger. His brothers came out first, one before the other, and his mother went crying to him about how unfair and upsetting this was each time it happened...this gave him pause; but in the end, when we asked him how his parents took it, he said: "what choice did they have?"
