1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How to help my big brother

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by jagel, Nov 17, 2014.

  1. jagel

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2014
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    GA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi, I'm new here - I'll try to keep this succinct.

    I'm 45 and a lesbian. I've been out since I was 18.

    My brother is 5 years older than me. He was living with our dad, until his recent death. He now lives in Dad's house. I went to visit my brother over the weekend, and discovered while working on the computer that he's been spending a fair amount of time viewing gay porn. Now, I know that doesn't automatically mean he's gay. But I didn't see any other kind of porn, and there were a couple of non-porn gay things in the history.

    I was dumbfounded. Many, many things started to make sense. His anger, depression, alcohol/substance abuse, etc. The fact that he's only had 1 girlfriend his adult life (I thought it was just because he was socially awkward, and had trouble talking to women).

    He's an avid hunter and fisherman, and hangs out with hunters and fishermen. He lives in a small, southern town. I think he's probably terrified of anyone finding out, and having to deal with it himself. The local Hospice offered free grief counseling when our dad died, and he was adamant that he was NOT going to go to counseling.

    He's pretty fragile emotionally, and defensive about everything. I think he would be so much happier if he would come to terms with it (after the initial very rocky period). I want him to know I love him and would be there for him - but we haven't had the best relationship historically. It's better than it used to be, but I don't know if he'd talk to me about it. I want so much to help him, but I don't know what he's ready for, if anything. I don't want him to freak out if the thinks someone knows.

    I'm kind of at a loss.

    Thanks for any help.

    jagel
     
  2. StephenB

    StephenB Guest

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2014
    Messages:
    117
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Newport News, VA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm truly not even sure where to go with this. At 45/50 if he's watching gay porn, I'm pretty comfortable concluding he's gay. If he was 14, I'd say it could be just curiosity. But at 45/50 he knows.

    That being said, I don't even know what to suggest. With a 14 year old, it can scare them further into the closet to let them know you found it. With a 50 year old, I don't know. I would suggest maybe posting this in the forum for LGBT later in life forum, as there are many there that have come out later in life and have dealt with having to hide it for decades. They may have better suggestions than I could muster up. I came out when I was 22/23 and I really don't have a good answer when it comes to someone of his age.
     
  3. Andronas

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2014
    Messages:
    125
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North Carolina
    People who are very fragile emotionally can benefit from support, but it often has to be very subtle, kind, soft, and receptive in tone. Too much of an attempt to push yourself into this kind of person's life can make him withdraw or build even stronger walls. I know this because I am this kind of person. I have a lot of emotional issues myself, and while they don't relate to acceptance of a sexual orientation or grief from a parent who has passed away, I can sympathize with how he deals with things, if I'm seeing him right from your description.

    There's a certain type of personality that has a strong effect on me through its kindness and receptive sense of caring. I think that, as you demonstrate very slowly that you care about your brother in some of the most basic aspects of life, like perhaps food or so forth, that he might in time come to accept more aid from you in more abstract areas like orientation or depression -- whatever you think he might be dealing with. It's very important, though, that you do all this with an attitude of selflessness and without any expectation of a positive response on his part. People who expect something in return for their goodwill often end up turning bitter and are not able to persist in providing the support needed for the length of time required to change someone's life for the better. It might take years. If you think about it, if he is gay, he's been in the closet his entire life, his youth is gone, and he's lost all that time -- or so he might think. How would that make you feel? There are probably thousands of thoughts that run around in his head along those lines, coupled with thoughts of despair that who he is happens to be despicable or something else negative -- according to his current perspective.

    So, in summary, try to be helpful in the most passive ways possible. Maybe offer to bring over some dinner in some covered dishes, or offer to do some errand for him. If he doesn't like visitors, try sending him a card with a handwritten note as well. Perhaps you could also send him a gift certificate to a place you know he likes. Expect that he might bristle and be somewhat coarse with his reply. He might say no the first few times. Don't push it too hard to begin with. Eventually, I think you'll be able to reach him.
     
  4. kumawool

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2013
    Messages:
    194
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    I understand the other opinions on subtlety being important. But this is your brother, and it doesn't sound like you're living with him or have that constant contact.

    I would just point blank say, "I know you're gay, and if you ever want to talk about it, you can.". Perhaps in a messaging format, so he doesn't feel that fear and pressure to immediately respond. He can take as long as he wants to think about what you said, and you don't have to push him when you see him in person.

    To have not come out by age 40 means a life time of fear, and hiding. He slipped up with the gay porn history. But he's unlikely to 'open up'. Shocking him with love, and acceptance, may crack that shell, and make him realize that at least one person unconditionally loves him.

    Once you get a conversation going, you can start to find out his needs, issues, and where to go from there, whether that direction is therapy, or simply support. And that is incredibly healthy. In terms of health, a strong social support network is the second strongest determinant of health, and building a supportive relationship with him will help him in many ways.
     
  5. jagel

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2014
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    GA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for your very thoughtful replies, all.

    He lives in the next state over, but I try to go visit him every couple of months or so (I would visit he and our dad when dad was still alive).

    I do try to be as kind and gentle as I can with him, and for the most part, it works pretty well.

    Thanks for the suggestion of posting in Later in Life, because I can't imagine what he's been going through. Coming out, and being out since, has been relatively easy for me.

    Thanks again, everyone. You've given me a lot to consider.