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I sort of came out to my mom

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Birdwatcher, Nov 17, 2014.

  1. Birdwatcher

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    So, today I sort of came out to my mom. I got a chance alone with her, and I talked to her about her favorite show, Keeping Up Appearances. The main character has a gay son, but she's oblivious that he's gay. For example, "What's that dear, you and your roommate don't like girls? That's the best news a mother could hear." I told her that I was going to watch an episode on Netflix, and I said, "Sheridan (the gay son) reminds me of myself, I don't like girls either." She sighed, and I think, but I'm not sure, that she said, "Of course you don't" under her breath. I told this girl I know, and she said to ask my mom what she thought about what I told her, but I'm not sure what exactly to say. Any advice would be most welcome.
     
  2. itsnow2014

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    Can I ask if you're an only child? If you don't want to answer then no worries.

    I only ask because I am my mum's only son. She's always talked about me having children, naturally. I don't know how she'll react when I tell her I'm into boys.

    I have a sister who has always said she'll adopt.
     
  3. lb41974

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    Well I am not sure if she understood you either ,you may have to tell her again I am sorry that she did not respond to you . She may have heard you and chose not to respond to you because she is in shock . I would try again when you are ready to . I wish you good luck .
     
  4. Birdwatcher

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    No, I'm not an only child. I am the only son, however.
     
  5. Birdwatcher

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    The other day, I asked my Mom what she thought of me saying that I was like that character. She responded, "I don't know" and she sounded annoyed. I'm not sure what my next step should be. Should I give her some space for a while? Also, a person I know told me that maybe her response could just be disinterest or something like that, that maybe I never took that into account. Any advice would be most welcome.
     
  6. The Virgo

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    Give her time to let it sink in. It may take a day it may take a year but that doesn't matter, What matter is you being ok with yourself and your sexualty.
     
  7. Birdwatcher

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    Should I try to approach her again after maybe a few days, or should I give her more time/wait for her to come to me?
     
  8. mangotree

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    It's hard to know what's going on in her mind.

    Here's a theory...
    It may be possible that she's "blaming" herself for you "becoming" gay - i.e. that old overbearing mother and/or absent father theory. That could explain why she sounded annoyed or unwilling to talk about it.

    She probably could benefit if you printed out some documentation (maybe from PFLAG) that explains how it's not her "fault" etc...
     
  9. Celatus

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    Haha oh no XD Yeah it seems like she has suspected for a while if she responded like that. If she hasnt really confronted you about it chances are shes relatively fine with it but doesnt want to talk in depth about it.
     
  10. Birdwatcher

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    I want to try to engage her, but I don't know if I should or how I would start. I would like to get some resources from PFLAG or somewhere else and show them to her, but like I said, I don't know how I would start that conversation.
     
  11. mangotree

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    Might not be relevant to your situation, but just before I came out - I just printed out some things from PFLAG and left them somewhere by "accident" for my parents to read them in their own time.
    I suppose I was ready to be out, but they weren't - so it was a few weeks before they brought it up.
    Still, it gave them the chance to think about it and start the conversation in their own time.
    While you've had most of your life to come to terms with being gay, they probably haven't had quite as long to come to terms with having gay offspring.
     
  12. elliot96

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    It's very hard to ease into a subject like this, and my advice would be to just go for it and put it all on the table. As a parent it must be confusing having small conversations like that, and not exactly one big discussion. If you're not quite ready for that kind of confrontation, hold off a bit and see how you feel. She may be incredibly anxious and hesitant about confronting you with anything.
     
  13. Birdwatcher

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    Hello, me again. So, I didn't talk to her. I've gotten a new shirt that says, "I'm the pink sheep of the family". She's seen it, but hasn't said anything. I want to talk to her, maybe say, "Have you seen my new shirt, what do you think about it?" However, one of my friends has said that I shouldn't push her or else she'll push back. People tell me different things, and I don't know what to do. I have this feeling that if I go to her, she'll be angry or want to avoid it, like she did last time, but I'm not sure.
     
  14. lyjo

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    If she isn't a total homphobe, then just tell her. She probably has been suspecting it and it seems you've been dropping quite a lot of hints lately. I think you should sit down, tell her "What I've been trying to say for the last few days is that I'm gay" or whatever you feel comfortable saying. Then let her process the information, and answer any questions she might have. It's difficult for parents, too. So if you're gonna say it, say it, because only giving hints isn't going to help her much. :slight_smile: I don't want to push you into this, it's just my opinion. I hope it all goes well
     
  15. Wildside

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    I love that show!!! I think I've seen every episode. Onslo is my favorite character. I think he is the only one who dares to be himself. Well, Daisy and Rose are pretty much themselves as well, though they seem to conform to Hyacinth's expectations to some extent.
    As far as all the hints you're dropping, it seems like either she isn't getting them, or she is intentionally ignoring them. I don't know how old you are, but if you're in your early teens she may just think that you're not interested in girls YET. It seems like you want her to know, and you're not all that afraid of her knowing or you wouldn't be dropping all the clues; so I suggest that you just come out and tell her exactly what you mean. Good luck!
     
  16. Chip

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    Honestly, you're dropping all of these hints, so you clearly want her to know... so why not quit beating around the bush. How about "Hey, so you know I got this shirt, and just so there's no ambiguity, it means what you think it means. I'm gay." And let things go from there.

    Remember there are 5 stages everyone goes through in processing loss (in this case, loss of perception you're straight): denial, anger, bargaining, grief, acceptance. So be prepared for particularly the first two. "bargaining" is "Oh, you're too young to know" or "Oh, I'm sure it's just a phase" or "maybe you're bi" and usually comes a bit later.

    My suspiciion is that she already knows or at least strongly suspects. I think it's probably time to quit tapdancing and just get it over with. :slight_smile: