This is one thing that I'm absolutely terrified of. I don't want my family to be seen as weird or anything just because I'm gay. I really don't want to impact their social life just because we're "that family with the gay son". I'm so scared that people are going to judge my parents and say they didn't raise me well - well as in the christian well and not "worldly" - or something. That is ironic though and it's totally wrong because my mom is known as one of the strictest parents in my church. Like, I'm sorry if I'm just rambling but just to give you an idea of how strict my mom is, in the past, she has literally outright spanked my sister badly in the church hallway with lots of people watching, to the point that my sisters church dress ripped and on top of that she has even spanked other people's children so a lot of kids are scared of her and a lot of parent's know she's not a "passive" parent in the christian sense and she is very homophobic so I doubt that anyone will even dare blame her for my being gay. Did coming out make your family be judged or lose friends? I have ever went as far as thinking about moving far away and having a lesbian friend as a "beard" who I would take to any future family reunions (and I would go to hers) just so people won't ask me why I'm still not married at a certain age. I feel like nowadays with how gay rights is being so recognized, if you're still single at a certain age, people are going to automatically guess that you're gay. I know how terrible my plan sounds, or maybe I'm just overreacting, but I just don't want to interrupt their social life if I come out.
When I came out, I think there was a bit of a "shock and awe" moment amongst friends, family and extended relationships. There was a bit of gossip and rumor that no doubt went around. However, the topic was more addressing either a) the surprise at the fact that I was gay rather than any issue with me actually being gay or b) the concern for my family given the dissolution of my marriage. This lasted for a short bit of time, but then disappeared and has since been long gone. At no time, as I am aware, have I noticed any lasting negative impact, alienation, or such against my family, neither immediate family nor extended family. This might have to do with the progressive environment in which we all live or the changing attitudes towards LGBT issues. I can not say for sure. What I can say is my ex wife has continued support from her friends, my children's friends actually think its kinda cool that their father is gay, and there has been no impact to parents, grandparents or the likes.
I generally do not hear about any alienation or lasting negative impact on families due to LGBT children. I have known some people who have had their families broken up or lost connection with extended families over the issue but most of those issues happened a good long time ago and their families have reconnected. And if a family looses friends over someone being LGBT then those friends were not true friends in the first place and it shouldnt matter that they are gone. Generally there are few to no issues regarding the impact of coming out to a family.
No, it really didn't--and my family are Mormon in Utah and I came out over 20 years ago. I think it would have been predictable that it would have but to my knowledge it hasn't.
My parents, before I was out, were talking about a friend of there's and their gay son. About how there was nothing wrong with it, but how you wouldn't want it for your own kids. Several years later and they don't care. I'm out, no one is bothered and they're not alone in being parents of a gay son. Time heals all. My mum wasn't exactly thrilled at first, but now is happy that I'm happy, loves my boyfriend and looks forward to the day we tie the knot. My dad - he's less enlightened, but he's still okay with the bf. Speaking of my dad, when I first started coming out, he was the most embarrassed. Ye all his friends - the ones he thought would be mocking him - were the ones who were happy for me and wanted to meet my boyfriend. I think for some parents, they think the reaction of their peers will be worse than it is.
uhhhmmmm.... wow, your mom scares me, just reading about her. your situation may be a bit more difficult than most. there is the possibility that she will blame herself, or kick you out. I just don't think that can be ignored. ultimately, you'll have to do what you'll have to do. you'll know. but if you are dependent on your parents for financial support, room and board, college bills and things like that, you may want to consider if you can bear to live without telling them until you can live independently. I have heard stories of young people thrown out of the house. maybe I'm misunderstanding your age, so maybe that's not a factor; in which case, please ignore. but it sounds like being seen as righteous by her church community is really important to her. I guess only you would know if there is any chance that being accepting and loving of a gay son can fit within her understanding of her faith (you know, love one another as you love yourself; love one another as I have loved you). just some gut reactions. take what you can use from it, and leave the rest behind!
Thank you all so much for your advice. I just hope that nobody will blame my parents for my being gay and I just feel that it would be stupid anyway to do that. I mean, people already have their first hand account at how strict and openly homophobic my mom is, so they can't say she taught me how to be gay or wasn't disciplining me enough (considering they may find being gay as a lack of discipline -to god's so called "standards" anyway). I just want to find a way to come out to both parents where I will hold their attention long enough to tell them that it is none of their fault and they should never blame themselves (their parenting style) or me that I am gay. I also just want to hold their attention long enough to present them links to research on sexuality in general. I'm going to have to find a way to stuff all of that information in when I come out just to ease their worries and anxieties.
"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and consciencious stupidity." -Martin Luther King, Jr. If people blame your parents, well, I guess all we can say is that there is no cure for stupid. Good luck talking with your parents. You are brave to dare to speak the truth with them, and I can only infer that you must really love them to share this with them. I pray that they understand and value this gift of yourself that you are sharing with them, that they treasure it and treasure you and your life.
I don't think you should plan to fit all of that into one talk. In my own experience, my mom first had to get over the shock, and then asked me whether I was sure which lead to a whole loooooooong discussion about when I first realised I was different and how I couldn't tell them and that statement made my mom feel guilty, blaming herself for not realising it sooner and helping me trough this etc. it didn't go the way I thought it would... It went into a totally different direction. Thing is, it's going to be a process and most likely something that's going to be discussed over time over a couple of conversations. Plan to listen and answer their questions...
I'm with Wildside, your mother sounds more than a little scary. Be very careful where she's concerned and think very careful about what you say and how you say it. I'd make sure you have some trusted adult on your side first. The fact that I'm gay hasn't gotten down to the level of my children's friends (that I'm aware of), although the neighborhood is certainly well aware thanks to a gossipy jerk who lives nearby who "outed" me before I was even aware he knew. My wife spent a lot of time wringing her hands over it at first, but it's quickly reaching the point where there's more drama originating with her than anyone else. It really doesn't appear to have affected my family in any significant way. As far as my extended family, a number of cousins and aunts and uncles know, and some of them weren't even remotely surprised, and have had some minor degree of curiosity, but little other reaction. We're almost all involved Catholics and so far I haven't "lost" anyone important as a result of coming out. My brother and his wife seem to be the most "at risk" where that's concerned, but in their case it has nothing to do with religion, just typical jock-type homophobia. He said cautiously that he could accept it but probably never be comfortable with it, and I withheld the urge to say "Well no one's planning on sticking anything up your ass". How your family reacts depends a lot on them and their own level of acceptance, though. If you're at all uncertain of their reaction, I'm make sure you have told some trusted allies first. Especially if you're under age (I'm not sure how old you are). It's NOT guaranteed to be bad.
