So confused. Any advice?

I have been feeling very alone and on one of my random internet searches for advice I came across this site and decided to give it a try. I don't know who to talk to because I don't know what to even do in my situation and all of the forums I've seen on this haven't quite captured how I am feeling so they haven't been super helpful.

So here's my story, and I'll try to be brief but I tend to ramble.

I met my current boyfriend my freshman year of college. When we met I was dating a different guy but I didn't think it was working out with him anyway so I broke up with him in order to pursue a relationship with my current boyfriend. Let's just call him....oh I don't know.... A. So A and I have dated since then and it's been 3.5 years. We lived together our senior year and then moved apart because I am poor so I moved home and he is doing a master's program not too far away. It's been about 3 months since I moved into my mom's house, so that's been a strain on our relationship ever since. I know I love him, but I've really been questioning that love lately and trying to figure out what that love is/means. We've been through A LOT together, and helped each other through some pretty big life moments. I like spending time with him and we get along fine for the most part. But I've been pretty irritable with him lately and feeling like I'm not getting everything I need out of our relationship. I mean, we hardly ever fight. We make each other laugh. We have similar belief systems, agree politically, have good relationships with each other's parents...the list of our good qualities as a couple is really long! But I just feel wrong, somehow.

Also....I really don't want to have sex with him. And I've basically made myself do it, and a couple of times it was pleasant enough, but mostly it feels like more of an obligation because we are dating. And he has totally noticed, too. Like he complains about me not wanting to have sex anymore. I used to want to have sex ALL THE TIME. But I remember never really feeling totally satisfied, and maybe that's why I wanted to keep having sex, to try to figure out how to make it feel really good.

I've only dated 3 other guys and slept with 2 of them. The first guy I had sex with....well it was not consensual on my end, so it was not pleasant at all, obviously. The second guy was better, but I'll admit I was never satisfied with our sex. A and I have had decent sex, but again, I'll admit it hasn't been fully satisfactory. I know it's a bit more difficult for girls to reach orgasm than guys (at least usually), so I've always attributed it to that. But recently I've started to wonder if maybe that's not what it is.

Basically, I've started to wonder if my random fascinations with different women over the years were more than what I thought they were. I mean, I never thought of it until recently, but they were essentially crushes. But I never thought of them that way until quite recently, like maybe the last 5 months. I don't know why I didn't see it before. My friends and I have talked about what it would be like to be a lesbian at random times throughout my life and I've always been like "oh gross girl bits are weird." But before I had sex with guys I always thought guy bits were weird, so now when I think about it I don't think that's a fair way to assess if I would like sex with girls. Also, I've always been attracted to guys, too, so I've just assumed that I'm straight. And just because I've had not that great of sex shouldn't mean that I'm automatically gay. I'll just be honest here, women turn me on. I'm the kind of person that is more turned on when I am emotionally invested, so I've been wondering...what if I opened myself to being emotionally, romantically, and physically attracted to a woman? Would I have a more satisfying relationship? Would I forego men all together? I honestly have no idea. And that sort of scares me. Especially because, as I've said, I really do care for and love my boyfriend.

Am I bisexual? Am I a lesbian? Do I just need to break up with my poor boyfriend who is stuck with a girl who thinks about girls when kissing him?
I've just felt so weird about all of this! I'm 22 years old and I've never even come close to even kissing a girl and now I'm confused about my sexuality. In this day and age, does this even happen??

I haven't wanted to tell anyone, not even my best friend or my mom (who is like my other best friend), especially because I am so confused and not sure why I'm feeling what I'm feeling. Does anyone out there have any advice? Please?

P.S. Sorry, I said I'd try to keep it brief. Thank you for reading this novel of a post.

 

I guess my main question is....should I come out to my boyfriend? Tell him I don't even have a label for what my feelings are but that I feel I need to explore them? I feel horrible being with him and horrible breaking up with him. Should I wait until I understand myself better? I don't want this to be an excuse to break up, but that's how I feel it will sound if I say it in these ways, and it doesn't feel fair to continue on in our relationship like everything's normal when clearly I'm going through some major stuff and not sharing it with him.