unsuspecting spouse?

I was in the closet through my entire 6 year marraige. Things were very tense through most of it, I think both because of his temper and my secrets. Actually I didn't tell him until after he left (rather I pushed him out because I couldn't deal with the fighting anymore). I told him a few months ago, because I though the deserved to know he wasn't 100% at fault for our problems.. although I think he is completely in denial about it because he still expects me to change my mind. Sorry I don't have any real suggestions because I am still trying to sort it all through myself.

 

You are about where I was a year or so ago. After being married for ~25 years, I began to realize that I was interested in men after a non-sexual interaction with a gay man. What I actually realized was that the interest in him was simply a much stronger version of feelings I had always had when observing very physically attractive men. I always knew that I was different but did not consider that this difference was homosexuality in the true sense of the word, because it lacked intensity which would provide the clarity to see what it was and had been all along as I lived my heterosexual lifestyle with my wife.

I began to intentionally interact with gay support groups and meet people to try to understand what they had gone through in their lives and how they had come to think of themselves as homosexuals. My wife was aware that I was doing this, but was not really involved in my explorations, only that I was doing this. As I became more aware of myself, I began telling her that I have probably been homosexual to some extent all my life, and that I had only begun to figure this out after meeting a certain person and understanding from him what it felt like to be homosexual, and that in many ways his story matched the feelings I had felt at various points in my life before we got married. I was probably also crushing on him at the time, but it was a one-way deal, so nothing happened but friendship, and my awareness that the difference I was feeling was caused by my homosexual attractions having a real person to focus on, which intensified them to the point where I could finally understand what was going on and put a name to it.

It was never my intention to hurt her, and I was under stress for many months trying to decide how much of what I was feeling to tell her so that she would not feel any sudden shock and be concerned for the stability of her own situation and our marriage. I was sharing this information as I discovered it, with about a 3 month lag time between what I was experiencing and what I was sharing with her. Then about a year ago, a friend of mine asked me if I am gay, telling me that it was OK with him if I was, but his girl friend had asked him and he was really asking me for her. It was at this point that I realized that I must be sending up smoke signals in some way, even if it was not intentional, because this friend did not even know about my explorations with the gay community groups, so it was time to tell my wife what I was finding out and feeling was the truth about myself, because she might be getting the same vibes his girlfriend was and I did not want her to be worried.

I told her that to some extent I am homosexual, in that I have always looked at men and/or pictures of men and wanted to be like them and look like them. I told her that this therefore must mean that I am attracted to them, or I wouldn't want to be like them. I also told her that I had never had sex with other men, so by the dictionary definition of "men who have sex with men", I was not a practicing homosexual, but that I find some pictures of men to be very arousing and that I do feel very attracted to their bodies in a sexually excited way. I also told her that I would always remain monogamous to her, and that she should have no worries that I would ever leave her for a man, and that I would continue to make love with her as long as we are physically able to do so (we are both in our late 60s). This seems to satisfy her, and we now can be honest with each other about what "turns us on" and for me gets the juices flowing. She did not freak out, go on a rampage, throw me out of the house, throw things at me, break into depression, or run to a therapist, or any of the other goofy stuff which some women do. I don't know why, other than the fact that I made it clear that not much was going to change between us, and that I was the same person I have been for the last 25 years, only now both of us know more about that person and his true needs and identity. Sometimes we pass pictures of sexy guys back and forth as it turns both of us on at the same time. We continue to have sex at least twice and week, and up to four times on some weeks. At my age it usually takes at least 2 days to get enough juice charged up to get off within a reasonable amount of lovemaking. "Lubrication is the key" with nature gradually drying both of us up due simply to our age. (You will get to that point too, if you live long enough, so stop snickering .

So, it seems my story has a happy ending, at least for now, and hopefully as long as we live, because I have tried to be honest with her, have disclosed what I was doing and finding out as soon as I was pretty sure it was confirmed to be true, and reassured her that nothing was going to change about her financial situation or her marriage as long as she did not initiate it. I don't know how to be any more specific about this process without quadrupling what I am writing here, and most of it is more detailed than necessary to get the gist of what I am trying to say.

1. Be honest about your feelings and concerns.
2. If you feel like you really ARE homosexual, disclose this to your wife and be specific about what this means with respect to yourself, as the word "homosexual" can mean many different things to different people and is scary to some women.
3. Include her in the process to the extent you can, and give her the chance to express herself about what she is feeling.
4. Tell her what YOU plan to do and tell her that she has the power to go with that flow or to decide what she needs to do in response, if she finds the situation untenable, and that you will be fair with her if she feels the need to leave the relationship.
5. Be prepared to live with whatever happens, and your own needs; mine did not include anything which should be traumatic to her.

We never got into anything she might have been "suspecting"; I tried to be the person telling her what I knew all along, so she did not have to do any "spying" on me, as I was pretty much an open book and answered any questions she asked the best I could as I was going through this process.

At this point, she knows I go to the gym and have nothing sexual at all going on with the mostly young men I work out with and play racquetball with. She knows I enjoy wrestling with anyone I can talk into it, and enjoy the body contact and sometimes find it erotic with some guys. She knows I get horny by looking at sexy pictures of guys before we have sex and enjoys that I am "ready to go" when she is. She knows that I still enjoy having sex with her even though I have to think about men to get my motor running, and that it only runs to her. We don't fight, we don't argue, we don't push each other to have sex on demand, we try to do it when we are both ready for it, knowing that at our age we have to do some preparation to GET ready for it, which we wouldn't have to do if we were 20 year olds.

I don't know how your stressful situation will turn out for you, but I want to relate my own experience (as embarrassing as it is to go into such details) of discovering and identifying my own sexuality after 25 years of marriage, and at our late age, so that you will see that these trials do not have to be as awful as we imagine they will be if both parties are COMMUNICATING with each other and being as honest as they know the information to be as they go through this process. I hope that my process will work for you if you decide to follow it, or some variation of it more appropriate to your particular wife and circumstances, and wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

 

i'm in the same situation, married for 23 years to a man, he has no clue I want to be in a relationship with a woman( no one in particular, I am no longer interested in romantic relationships with men}.Late bloomer I guess. We are friendly and do lots of things together but still fight and have tension - he has a temper, no physical abuse. I don't believe I could come out to him before ending my marriage his temper scares me.