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suffocating (I think I misspelled that)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by the ry guy, Oct 8, 2008.

  1. the ry guy

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    Before I dive into my problem I would like to give you an idea of what my weekly schedule is like. I am currently working as a machinist and I work about 40 hours a week, it's hard stressful labor but it pays well, and I am going to school part time (night classes). I came to terms with myself about my sexuality and came out of the closet earlier this year. Anyway, I met this great guy in one of my classes and we really hit it off and so we started dating ( I was bouncing off the walls because it was my first time dating a guy). We've been together now about 3 months and he has become increasingly "clingy", I'm not sure if that is the right word to use, paranoid might be better.

    When we first started going out, he wasn't like this and I don't really mind it to much but there are times when it just annoys me to no end. It used to be that I felt I was doing nothing with my life except work, school, and sleep away my weekends and stay up late surfing the net and wanting a relationship but this isn't exactly what I had in mind. He works part time in the morning and takes classes in the evenings and so he's got alot of downtime where as i don't, and he wants me to spend every waking minute of free time I have with him. Like if when I get off work I go home to finish school work and get ready for class and he wants to come over. After class, he wants to come over, he wants to come over when i'm doing random things around my apartment like cleaning or doing laundry, but whatever I just thought he wanted to spend a lot of time together. And then it was he wanted a spare key to my place so he can just drop in and see me (although i think its to check on me) which was fine (i'm not really the jealous type).

    but lately he's been asking for my password to my myspace, or to me email, he's been checking my mail and txt messeges on my phone "who's this?, what do's he/she mean by that" and it's been DAYS WEEKS even since i've been on this site because if i'm not doing something with him i'm just to damn tired to even turn my pc on. I havn't touch'd my XBOX live account in over a month which is disturbing to me cause i'm normally on that for atleast an hour everyday (it's like a religion for me). So i brought this up with him about a 2 days ago and it turns out he's had problems with people cheating on him and some other drama i don't want to get into, and i tried to ask him to ease up a bit because it feels like he's smothering me and he started crying and saying I don't love him so i just drop'd the topic cause i immediately felt like shit afterwards and apologized. but it's really been starting to bug me, this whole trust issue, i let him have access to my pc (not this site though this is on my laptop not my pc thank god), cell phone and what not and he still can't trust me or even just ease up a little and have a little privacy and the only reason i can do this now, is cause he's sleeping and i'ma hafta hide my laptop again so he don't find it, and this is what kills me I HAVE TO HIDE MY STUFF, SNEAK AROUND IN THE DARK AT NIGHT WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS SLEEPING, IN MY APARTMENT. it just irratates the hell outa me, it's like i'm living with my parents and i'm scared of getting caught (which i am i don't want to have to explain this him), I love him i really do its just how do I address this problem i have him with making him upset. It really killed me when i made him cry and i just felt like crap about it and caved in, has anyone ever had this problem, should i just schedule some kind of relationship therapy or something for us, and drag him to it? any help would be greatly apreciated. :help::icon_sad:

    P.S. due to the complexity of my schedule and the whole cloak and dagger thing i may not get to read any replys/respond for a few days
     
  2. Evilmonkey

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    obviosly its a difficult conversation to have, and it can get a little awkward, or heated and make him upset; but you need to tell him how you feel, and he needs to respect that. he needs to trust you (im assuming he has no reason to distrust you) and let you have some down time by yourself, to hang with friends, or play with your xbox etc...
    also it seems like you didnt feel right giving him access to your phone, email account etc.. dont let him tell you, or make you feel 'if you trust me you would let me open your mail, read your texts etc'. You need to tell him, if he trusts you he shouldnt feel the need to invade your privacy and look through all your things.

    also i would just like to point out that you seem to want to put the conversation off because you dont want to upset him. thats very nice of you but its only at the expense of your feeling smothered, which is just not good for the relationship as a whole. good luck mate, keep us posted
     
  3. Lexington

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    You didn't make him cry. He cried for one of two reasons. One - he recognized the truth and didn't like hearing it. Two - and more likely - it got him what he wanted. You not only stopped getting on his case, but you felt guilty about "doing this to him". You did nothing to him. You told him what he should've been told. And now he's gonna have to be told again. In the event you're not sure of the talking points, I'll lay them out for you.

    Being in a relationship does NOT give you the right to read each other's e-mails.
    Being in a relationship does NOT give you the right to read each other's texts.
    Being in a relationship does NOT give you the right to use each other's myspace/Xbox acocunts.
    Put a password on your laptop, and don't give it to him.
    Put a password on your cell phone, and don't give it to him.
    If he has your password to any other account, change them, and don't give him the new ones.

    Just because you're dating doesn't mean you've lost your identity. You are not suddenly "me&him", where you two share absolutely everything. I've never had the passwords to my partner's accounts (unless he gives me one in the event he needs me to access it for him), and he doesn't have mine. If he gives you grief about this, give him grief back. "It sounds like YOU're the one who isn't being trusting. I trust you enough not to read your texts, e-mails, and so forth."

    Tell him you're sorry he got cheated on before, but that doesn't mean you have to bend over backwards to accomodate him. He needs to start learning how to trust people again, and giving him access to all your accounts certainly isn't going to do that.

    Lex
     
  4. Jim1454

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    It sounds like this isn't the guy for you.

    He's the first guy you've dated - so in the early days you were blind to the fact that there were things about him that just don't work with you. And now that the initial "bouncing off the walls" has ended, it just doesn't feel as good any more.

    Don't feel bad... I've 'been there, done that' myself. My first crush / relationship was SO completely wrong it isn't even funny, yet I felt great for the first little while.

    Chalk it up to experience and move on. That would be my (somewhat harsh) advice. 3 months isn't that long. People don't go to couples counselling after 3 months, they disolve the couple.
     
  5. the ry guy

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    just giving an update to my current situation (i know i mispelled that) I had a long discussion with my now ex-boyfriend about everything and we tried to make it for about a week but every time I'd try to correct him and he'd get really really bitchy and would start to annoy me so last saturday we finally ended the relationship (I wanted to end it on a good note and try to remain friends but he wasn't having any of that). So lately I've been just pretty much putz'n around my place sulking. back to the old work and school schedule, not much else has changed drop'd a few classes (didn't want to be in the same class as my ex-bf that would be awkward) so you can expect so see me on more often although i prolly won't be making any funny comments for a while, break up's suck i feel like crap:icon_sad:
     
  6. Mickey

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    While other people may have cheated on him and MAYBE he was clingy because of it,it sounds more like a control issue. I was in a situation much like that. I couldn't even go to see my mom,without my ex wanting to be there.
    I'm glad you realized things weren't good. You were right to leave,given the fact that you talked about this and nothing changed. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!
    Don't worry of feel too bad. Give it some time. I'm sure you'll do fine.
    Your someone is out there, somewhere. You'll soon see you did what was right,and may even wonder why it took you so long! Good luck! Mickey**