So, in my other post, I am in the process of coming out to myself; I am trying to accept that I'm gay for the first time in my life at age 28. I have been chatting with men on a dating site. The ones that are more inexperienced with the gay life and are not "out" have made me feel very comfortable. I was very overjoyed after I simply sending several messages back and forth. The prospect of making a friend who I can "talk gay" with is something very exciting, but also anxiety inducing. Less often, though, I feel disgust that, "ugh, am I really going to hang out with gay people?" I've always been drawn toward heterosexual couples, away from homosexual. Is that just another one of those DNA switches that didn't get flipped to match my homosexual switch? I feel that I keep envisioning happiness with women, which is at war with my vision of meeting a gay friend for the first time. My appetite has plunged, and I feel constant adrenaline rushes just thinking about meeting a gay friend. I go from overjoyed to almost depressed-like. I today actually felt like even if I had a long-term gay relationship, I still wouldn't be happy. I've always been generally happy without the relationship, so not sure why I'm fluctuating from the two extremes. Did anyone else fluctuate from joy to depressed-like states for a few days after you started accepting your sexuality? :help:
It's totally normal to have some trouble accepting your sexuality at first; a lot of us have heard homophobic things in our lives and have only ever thought of ourselves as being straight, so you're losing that, in a sense. I still have trouble coming to grips with my orientation some days-you just have to ride it out and do the best you can.
As PositivelyMe said, that's pretty normal. For the last 28 years you've probably been conditioned by the people around you to think that the pinnacle of a man's success is find a wife and have a family. You can just as easily switch that off as you can permanently switch the hand that you write with. In your mind, what do you see happening when you "hang out with gay people"? How is it different to hanging out with your heterosexual friends? From my experience, when you're afraid of something - your mind has blown it out to be something a lot scarier than it really is. Eventually, when you make a gay friend, you'll realise that gay friendships are really not that different.
I think what you are experiencing is not a DNA switch at all but really just social conditioning that you have been exposed to your entire life. This stuff is often very deeply rooted, and can definitely take some time to sort through and overcome. I think it's easy to have a picture (often negative) of what "gay" means. But that isn't real. You aren't that, whatever it is in your head. You are just you. These other guys you are messaging and thinking about meeting aren't that either, they are just people. Getting to the point where you accept that intellectually is not the same as accepting it internally, deep down, but it is a first step. I'm in the process of all this myself it's not like I'm an expert on any of this but that's my 2cents.
Thanks all - I needed that reassurance. :eusa_clap I definitely think I'm intellectually okay with gays, but I'm not internally in tune with being gay myself, yet I know I am. I also wonder when I find women attractive if that means I'm actually confused about being gay, and am actually straight? I know that can't be the case, though. I wonder if this is something we'll just always have to deal with. Nice to know others are fighting the same fight.
So the physical issues subsided a few days ago. Wow, was this post just 6 days ago? I feel like I wrote it a month ago. I have definitely had to continue fighting my own mind on this. Before my subconscious was telling me "well, just fyi, but, you're gay". Now that I'm trying to admit it to myself, my it's telling me "I dunno, that girl over there is attractive. She'd be nice to live with". I honestly still think I am gay as the bottom line, but it still doesn't seem clear-cut when I try accepting it. I feel like there is a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle in my head. When all of them are put together, it forms a portrait of a person. Problem is, about 100 of those pieces are from the wrong puzzle; they form part of a portrait of a woman. Are there any gay guys out there that feel physical attraction toward women (sorta sexually, but not really.....I know that makes no sense), but still know they are gay? Maybe they're just pretty - is that a universal thing? To a degree, I seem to enjoy fantasizing about sex with women, but when I see images of it, I'm quickly turned off by it. Quite the opposite for sexual images of men.
I identify as gay and check out and flirt with sexy women all the time in a way that we both enjoy it. The appreciation of beauty is pretty universal in my opinion. The beauty of nature, old trees or flowers for example.
arken1, I want to start by saying hello . Now that is out of the way its OK to have these feelings I know I have them and it is so confusing well for me it is . You are young and you have the rest of your life to figure things out I say take a deep breath and try to relax and not try to worry so much .One day it will just click and you will know what you want and how to get it too. You may always have feelings for both men and women who knows ,as long as you are happy then that is all that matters ! I know you will get threw this and be stronger for it . Have the most wonderful day ever.
When I came out, I had the stereotypical view of how a gay guy should act. I had no idea that my view was formed watching too much TV and movies where gay guys were the broad spectrum of gay guys were not properly presented. Then, I started meeting others, and very quickly realized that I was an absolute idiot for not having a broader and more balanced view. Initially, when I would meet other gay guys, I felt nervous just as you reflect. Now, however, I see exactly how I fit in to the community, I see that one brush does not paint all in relation to the LGBT community, and I have become extremely comfortable not only being with any other LGBT, but in my own skin as well. The more people you meet, the more comfortable you will get.
Yeah, I think the media around you can make you feel like you should 'act' a certain way because you're gay. I think its important to remember that being gay is one of the characteristics you have, being gay is not 'all' of your character. Don't worry, things will get easier.
I appreciate all the comments, and I do agree that society/tv/etc has put a negative image of myself in my head. But what I was really wondering is do you fellow gays ever feel confused when you see an attractive woman? This to me makes the most sense. Universal beauty. Universal attractiveness?...maybe. I guess there are different levels of attraction, like some heterosexual people are sometimes attracted to the same sex? Maybe the strongest example I can think of is.....now please don't take offense to this, but I really have no attraction whatsoever to a transgender person. I know some people do, but I don't. I have been equating that negative-sexual feeling I have toward trans, with what I would imagine is what "strictly gay" or "strictly straight" people feel toward opposite/same-sex, respectively. I guess a true gay man is absolutely disgusted with the thought of sex with women ?!
I can only speak for me, but I'm not repulsed or disgusted at the thought of sex with women. I think indifference would be a more accurate word. And thinking someone of the opposite sex has beauty can be quite different than actually being sexually attracted to them. I actually had a clarifying experience in this area not too long after I had finally admitted to myself I was gay. I was watching this show I don't watch very often, and I was struck by a particular female actress in a certain scene, just thinking "wow, she's gorgeous." I did happen to have the follow up thought of "but wait, I"m gay, right?" Later in the same episode though, there was this guy guest starring, not even really supposed to be a sexy guy I don't think, but to me... well you could say I also had a reaction to him as well. This reaction was really not similar at all to the first one. It was, I don't know, just from deeper somehow, and a little less innocent maybe, heh. The reaction to the woman was appreciation of beauty. The reaction to the guy was legitimate sexual attraction. I don't even know if that helps anyone else at all, but to me at that moment it did make things clearer, just to have the contrast like that almost back to back somehow.
That's exactly what I'm talking about. Just hearing that someone else questions themselves like that really helps. I definitely get that "deeper" feeling when seeing certain guys and basically never with women. That brings up a related point: there are a lot of guys who do not give me that sexual feeling. All of my straight, guy friends, I've never really thought about them that way. So I guess my point is, being gay doesn't mean you'll be attracted to all men. Just like being straight doesn't mean you'll be attracted to all women.
I was actually going through the same thing you are feeling for like the past 3 years. Deep down I knew I was gay but I didn't want to accept it. I remember actually breaking down because my brother called me gay as an insult. I guess I didn't want to accept being gay because in traditional Spanish culture you can get ostracized from you community. As a kid I was bullied by the neighbor girls for being more feminine then most boys, they would call me “mariquita sin calzones.” They even kicked me in the stomach a couple time. So after that I learned that being gay was bad and that I had to strive to be someone I wasn't deep down in order to avoid being discriminated or even killed. Now that I'm 21 and I've had the experience to meet amazing people that don't care about my sexuality and that gave me the encouragement (although not directly) to accept that I am, in fact, gay I feel relieved. Granted, I'm not ready to come out to everyone yet but I've at least accepted who I am.
