So it's been an hour, since I've been home. And I already want to go back. Even though I'm not really that OUT I still feel more support--more secure with myself at Brock then I ever did here. I've got GAY friends at Brock. I've got the GLBT. And hey...I might get my first Faghag (IRL: sorry Jazz) soon. Haha! Alright, back up. Here's the dilema--but first an intro: I come home and immideitaly my dogs do everything in their power to welcome me. Including covering my shirt in dog fur <3. But of course I don't mind. Then I search for my cat (who I've truly missed) and of course being the cat she is...full of attitude...she does everything in her power to make me pay for leaving her. Including sucking up to mom like mom was made out of catnip. >_> She really has this concept of "hell hath no furry like a woman scorned." I guess. ALRIGHT so after hanging in the kitchen with my family we get talking--then I leave the room--and when I come back what do I hear? Well talk of how my older brother watched Brokeback Mountian with Hope. And he gets talking about the sex scene...and how gross it is. "I didn't even want to know why they spit." and of course I'm standing there going...kay...as my family starts to laugh. And Mom is like, "Why do they spit? Why do they spit?" Well so then I'm like "good ole home." And I take my usual spot in the corner of the counters (talk about symbolism). Now with me cornered in mom starts talking about if I've been to any clubs. So I told her I want to a pub on my birthday and really I've only been to the campus bar. So then she looks at me and I swear to god at this moment I could read her mind, "No gar bar." She says, "There wasn't any other bars you've been to?" "Nope just the campus pub really." And she sorta gives me a wierd look. Then she starts talking about what friends I've made. And anytime I mentioned a "guy" her eyes did this 'thing' and immeditatly I felt guilt. Especially when I mentioned Ivan. "Oh he's that Cerbian." She says. But really she's thinking, "Oh he's the one butt sexing my son?" >_> Honestly she wonders why I can be tempermental to her sometimes. Maybe if I'd have been here a little longer I wouldn't have been as mad. But the fact that I have been here for an HOUR..and then some..it's just ridiculous. I hate this feeling that I dread ever showing any ounce of my homosexuality to my family. And it sucks. Because it makes me feel that I HAVE to alienate myself from my family. And I do love them. I love my brothers. I have a wonderful dad. And my mom...well it's hard to compliment her after our little "conversation" but sometimes she can be okay to. I actually FEAR the day that I find someone. I fear the day that I bring him home for the family. The day they actually see me with a boyfriend. I don't want them to ever know anything about my romantic life. I don't want them to know ANYTHING about my homosexual life....And this is why I'm alienating myself. And it sucks. And I know that whatever bullshit mom said about, (in regards to meeting my first boyfriend)"crying about the fact I have a boyfriend--and then feeling all better when she sees the love in our eyes." No, it's not gonna be like that. It hurts to. Because there always this really awesome moment in the family when one of my brothers brings home a girl. It's so exciting. You know, it's like showing the family your romantic accomplisment. And Mom gets to know the girl, and it's just so new and awesome. But for me...Gay Jokes? Stereotypes? Who bottoms who tops? Awkwardness? And perhaps me storming out of the house and going for a good long walk. And now I'm reminded of when my brother said "ew, Rimjob." during a dinner table conversation about how gays have sex? Am I really that much of a freak for loving another guy!? So much that a possiblity of sexual intercourse is "Ew" or "I don't even want to know why they spit?" I don't want to ever come home. I'm beginining to feel security in alienation. Perhaps this is why I'm having problems with flirting back with "Mr. Potential" that I mentioned in my update. Whatever me and my cat (Yea, at least she is showing the love) are going to sleep. P.S. I totally fed my cat a fly and she ate it >_> Hahahaha
(*hug*) I'm sorry things have turned out like that Phil My mum happened to be in the room, and read this over my shoulder She says that you should just pay more attention to your friends at uni, if your family are going to be like that when you come home. I sort of agree with her, but I think that you should bring a guy home regardless of what you think your family's reaction would be. I'm assuming you were already out to them before uni, and they accepted you then, right? You say that you love your brothers and your dad; well I'm sure they love you back, and that this issue of boyfriends won't make a difference, in the long run. As for your mum, well she does *care* about you, surely. Maybe she thought it was okay when you first said it, but didn't have any means of actually getting a boyfriend. Now that you're out of the house, at university, doing your own thing, the possibility of you bringing home a guy has become much more real to her. That could take some getting used to, on her part. But if she doesn't, you could try to talk to your dad or one of your brothers?
Well the thing is...is that they do love me. But they don't LOVE me being gay. We don't really talk about it at my house. And if I was going to talk about it in the past it would of been to my older brother. I guess not so much anymore. >_> I think I agree with your mom though. In the end perhaps if end up totally alienated from one family I can always find a new one somewhere else. Like with a close network of friends.
Do they spit in Brokeback Mountain? I've watched that movie so many times and I've never noticed that. Anyway Phil, do you think its possible that your imagination is overreacting about all this? Sure its possible that these things are going through your families minds but listen. When you bring Mr. Right home, it is possible that your family may think these things but for how long? They are going to see Mr. Right for who he is, the person that loves the Walrus! All those perverted thoughts about gay sex are going to disappear like the fly you fed your cat! You just need to let your love shine through, know what I mean? And if these people can't love and accept you and Mr. Right for who you are, you are invited to my house for Christmas anytime! (*hug*)
ahhaha thanks alot Becky. My EC mom always makes me smile. I've thought that perhaps it's all in my head. I was pretty upset about hearing my brother talk about gay love that way... But this whole uncomfortableness isn't anything new. And I'd like it to all be in my head but honestly mom isn't one to be quiet at how me being a homosexual makes her uncomfortable. ... Even today my brothers were making fun of each other because of how much they've "fallen" for each of their girls. All in playful fun. You know like brothers do. Well I guess not this brother. I don't know. Perhaps I need to seek my own maturity. Or find that maturity when I do find someone. Or some real support (beyond the internet..sorry EC)
Phil, are your brothers older or younger than you? You realize they are just blowing off at the mouth about something they know nothing about. This will wear off, just give it time. Just be yourself around them. I swear it won't be like this forever.
Hi Phil ! Good to hear that you're enjoying Brock. Don't worry about the future ( When you bring your b/f home.). It's wasted energy. I sense that you're growing stronger , and are achieving lots of independence at Uni'. That's What's important. the other stuff will sort out in time. Be well. Take care.
