1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Will I Lose My Dignity?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by knightintinfoilarmor, May 11, 2007.

  1. knightintinfoilarmor

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2007
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I found out I was a lesbian half-way through eighth grade, and, seeking help and support, I came out to a couple of adults that I trusted; that didn’t end well. Hung out to dry, I sought friends where I could find them and usually kept my mouth shut. After almost a year, I had told two people, both my age and therefore not much help advice-wise. Then I met Emily.
    Emily was one of those people who seems great until you’re stuck with them. I was drowning before I knew there was water, and I had nowhere to turn; I couldn’t tell anyone I was in this relationship, let alone ask how I could get out. We were together for two months because I thought if I left her she’d kill herself, and in that time I was used, abused, and nearly destroyed without showing any outward signs.
    In all of this there was only one person who had any idea what was happening; my best friend Caroline, who lives four hours away. The next time after Emily that we were together was a dream sequence. I was finally able to cry in the arms of someone who cared, the urge to cut went away, and I discovered the truth. Caroline’s brother was lecturing to some of his friends about us as if we were a separate species.
    “We are!” I laughed, then corrected myself, “Well, I am, anyway.” A playful allusion to my sexuality.
    Her response stopped the world, and I almost fell off: “Me too, I think.”
    We ran out of time to talk things all the way through, so we postponed talking until a few months later, on Easter weekend this year. Everything was pretty well established that Friday, and we were confident that everything was going to be fine. The next morning my grandmother (one of the ‘trusted adults’) exploded. She forced Caroline to leave that day, putting her in a situation where she had to come out to her parents, and refused to believe or really even listen to what we had to say. Worse, she claimed we were having a Sexual Relationship. When I was with Emily I was severely sexualized (though we never literally had sex), and that situation all but killed me. I would rather be accused of single-handedly carrying out the Holocaust than of doing that to anyone, especially a girl I love. But I couldn’t tell her that; I couldn’t tell anybody.
    There has been no real communication with my grandmother since I came out to her a year and a half ago. She has convinced herself that I’m wrong, that it’s just a phase and I’ll straighten out eventually. I’ve dealt with a lot of crap in my life and don’t have any male role models, she says, all I need is some counseling. I’ve been to counseling; first, it didn’t help me, and second, I’m not crazy or depressed or unable to deal with my own problems. Yes, I’m fifteen, but yes, I’ve also been through a lot, and it aged me. Just because I’m a teenager doesn’t mean I think I know everything, as she’s claimed I do several times. That’s why I came out to adults in the first place; I didn’t know what to do, and I knew it. Even so, I know myself, because quite often I’m my only friend. As to my father, no communication has existed between him and me since I moved in with him eight years ago (after my mother died). The only reason I put up with the latest bout of counseling was that I’d hoped we could remedy that, but we didn’t. Sometimes we just flat out don’t agree. When I don’t understand something I ask questions, but when I ask questions he gets angry and sometimes yells. I’ve made it a point to apologize every time I snap or something myself, but I don’t seem to say it in a way he understands because I have to explain myself a couple times to avoid starting another argument. We can have a full-scale debate on an issue, and I can see that we both have the same standpoint, but somehow the wording is wrong, and we don’t understand each other. He also asked me once how often Caroline and I had talked that week (not much due to chaos), then asked my grandmother to see the cell phone bill, claiming I’d said we talked that little every week, which isn’t true. Something just doesn’t get through when we talk, and miscommunication isn’t pretty in this household. So, naturally, we just don’t talk. I mind my own business, take care of myself, and let him do as he does. I didn’t come out to my dad; someone else told him, why I still don’t know. That’s when the counseling started again. They told me I was there to improve relations with my dad, and I went along with it. My grandmother recently told me that my suspicions were correct; I was there because I’m gay, and they wanted someone to fix it. In that year of sessions, I talked with my dad at the counselor’s office once, him to me never, and nothing changed.
    Now, after this incident with Caroline, things are worse than ever. I don’t even talk about her because I figure they don’t want to hear it. My grandmother has said she wants me to go back to counseling and refuses to believe a word I say. Being around her now is like being around Emily after we broke up; my hackles raise and I’m ready to roar like the manticore she appears to think I am. My dad is so foreign to me that I’m losing the ability to tell by his voice and attitude whether or not his blood sugar is low, which is something I’ve done for the past six or seven years. Life just shouldn’t go on like this.
    I’ve developed a plan for dealing with it. See, I’m going to boarding school in August, and then they won’t be around so much. While I’m there I can find a trust-worthy gay guy (It’s an art school, so I’m expecting they’ll be a few.), explain my situation to him, and ask him to be my ‘boyfriend’. As far as I know, the definition of dating is declaring yourself and going places together every once in a while; I’d be willing to do that to avoid flat out lying. This façade would ease tension between me and my family, since all they seem to ask is that I become straight. Once this comfort is established, I could work on communication skills. Caroline and I won’t be able to see each other for four years (after she graduates); by then I might have built a relationship strong enough to handle the discussion of my sexuality without all the alienation and hostilities.
    So, what do you think? Does it make sense? Could it work? Is it so close to lying that it would undo what I’d done, or could I get far enough that they would let me explain why I’d done it? Would the guy I turn to be willing to do something like that? And the thing that’s really bothering me: Is it selling out? Am I sacrificing myself to please others, or will it really help something in the long run? Can I do this with honor, or will I lose my dignity?
     
  2. TeeBe

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 2, 2007
    Messages:
    273
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    You are in a tough spot. I don't really think that it is about dignity or selling out. I think the real question is: Do you think that you will be able to do it? I am glad that this is an attempt to reconnect woth your family, but do you think that 'dating' a guy will help? I do not know your family, so I can only see things as they have been presented. Even if you do present this facade, AND manage to break down the barriers between you and other family members, once you finally DO come out to them (again), do you think that the efforts will last? Again, I don't know your family. It could very well be that your family dynamics let the new-found communication stick. That has to be your call.

    Unfortunately, it will ultimately be a case of balancing the pain of living a lie (including lying to your family that you are trying to get to trust you) and th pain of having abrasive family relationships.

    Good luck! I have never been in a situation like this, so I'm not sure how much help I can really be. If you want to vent, feel free to PM me.
     
  3. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    You can always hope that the old saying 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' really is true - and that by being away at school your relationship with your dad and grandmother will improve when you are home for visits. Maybe it won't matter all that much to them - or they won't think about it when you aren't around.

    There may be other reasons, but doesn't it say alot that your dad is letting you go away to school? He trusts you and loves you enough to give you this opportunity (I'm assuming that you want to go!) despite his concerns around your orientation. I'd say just be yourself while you're away. Why bother dating anyone unless its someone that you want to spend time with. If you don't feel comfortable bringing that person home to meet your family (because they are female) then don't. Doesn't sound like your new friend would be missing much other than an uncomfortably silent dinner table...
     
  4. aprilblue426

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2007
    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Nebraska...but soon to be anywhere...
    well, im in a very similar situation, actually. not all the problems are the same, but close enough. i have a friend who's gay (obviously he's a guy) and lately we've been doing a lot of stuff together to make my parents think im not...whatever i am anymore. personally, it makes me feel a lot worse. not only am i "lying" to my rents, but even though this friend DOES like hanging out w/ me i feel like im using him somehow. but, what do i know...that's just my experience.