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"But you're too pretty to be a lesbian!"

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by mapleluv, Dec 5, 2014.

  1. mapleluv

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    As a very "conventionally attractive" woman, this is, inevitably, the first thing practically all straight people say when they find out that I'm gay.

    This comment in particular really upsets me, considering that the women I find the most physically attractive sit firmly on the androgynous-to-butch side of the appearance scale. To me, they're beautiful.

    For those of you who often get this comment when coming out to new folks, how do you respond in a way that is compassionate but also lets people know that what they just said was really insulting?
     
  2. Quiet Raven

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    Well, with my current appearance I don't get comments like that. But if it did ever happen to me after transitioning...

    I would probably say something along the lines of, "Thank you for calling pretty. But I don't appreciate what you are implying." And just explain that physical appearance has nothing to do with orientation. And maybe you can add some of the stuff you explained here.
     
  3. stocking

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    I hadn't had a good come back for this but one I had use once was " I didn't know there was a dress code for being gay "
    I get told this a lot by men and then I get the question
    .
     
  4. Fallingdown7

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    It pisses me off when people say this too. Like I didn't realize lesbians were supposed to be 'ugly'.
     
  5. stocking

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    Yeah
     
  6. Quiet Raven

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    Yeah I dunno where people get stuff like that from. Someone I know was also told she "Doesn't look like a smoker" by many people. How does one not look like a smoker?
     
  7. stocking

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    I don't get people when it comes to this :confused:
    I was told that I'm to feminine to be considered a lesbian also because I wear the color pink
     
  8. thekillingmoon

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    I don't know how I would respond, but I would come to the conclusion the person who said it is an idiot. I feel like it's something bitter straight guys must have come up with to make themselves feel better because they can't hook up with lesbians. So pretty women can't be lesbians, right.
     
  9. Quiet Raven

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    There is probably truth to this. In fact, in some cases, they may not be implying that lesbians are ugly, they are just disappointed because you are pretty, and they can't date you. They may even just be joking.

    Still pretty insensitive though.
     
  10. stocking

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    Men have told me most of the lesbians they met or know are butch
     
  11. Compute

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    Same logic as saying someone is too tall to be funny. Two factors that have nothing to do with each other.

    I think I can shed to some light into why some* people say this, because there's also a gay-male equivalent that I've experienced: People who aren't familiar with LGBT members will rely on social stereotypes to associate what a group of people will be identifiable by. A lot of the time, sadly, lesbians are shown in society as very butch and often not followers of so-called popular fashion. Similarly gay men are shown in society as constantly flamboyant and feminine. While some LGBT members may fall into these characteristics, some don't. It's the same in heterosexual people too, because some straight men can be very effeminate and that reflects nothing on their sexuality. These stereotypes lead to assumptions and the people you're dealing with will have seen you, have your appearance not line up with their views on what they think 'lesbians look like' and so they assume you're heterosexual which is just not the case. Sadly this is a learning curve for people where they realize that their idealism on sexuality is not true. Perhaps an optimistic way of looking at things is to believe that, hopefully, you've given them some new information as to not judge people's orientation prior to having that information. :slight_smile:

    *As others have said, they may have just been sad to not be able to date you, so perhaps it is a VERY subtle compliment :lol:
     
  12. Hell2theno

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    Yeah I like the comment about the dress code. Basically tell them you find it offensive, otherwise they will never learn :slight_smile:
     
  13. Hell2theno

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    Yeah I like the comment about the dress code. Basically tell them you find it offensive, otherwise they will never learn :slight_smile:
     
  14. PurpleDude

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    is the flip side of that that some people are "too ugly" to be straight? obviously I'm not asking that seriously, but it sounds just as misguided.
     
  15. Damien

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    And so they are, because beauty is a perception; it really is 'in the eye of the beholder'. Just like, some gay / bi guys find 'effeminate, pretty' guys attractive, others prefer 'manly, handsome' guys. What is 'beautiful', depends upon who is doing the looking.
     
  16. ccdd

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    I've not had this said about me, but I've heard people say it about others. I usually say something like "What on earth is that supposed to mean?"

    It is both homophobic and sexist at the same time. It's part of the whole thing of judging women by their looks and assuming that everything they do is determined by men. No one (that I've ever heard) says of gay men that they're gay because they're ugly or because they can't get a woman, yet some people will say of lesbians that they're lesbians because they can't get a man.... as though wanting a man is the default and/or all women's relationships are determined by men wanting or not wanting them. Hence both homophobic and misogynist.

    Also: when I've heard people say "why do all lesbians dress like X" or "I saw a lesbian in the street earlier. Why do all lesbians dress like Y", I point out that they probably only "recognise" women as being lesbian if they adhere to their stereotypes, and that it is self-reinforcing. And that unless a woman actually TELLS them they're a lesbian, they don't know. Therefore, ANY woman in the street who is not obviously heterosexual/bisexual/in some way attracted to men (eg. with a boyfriend) COULD be a lesbian. They could walk past lesbians that they read as straight all the time.
     
  17. mapleluv

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    Thanks for all your ideas & support everybody. It does my heart good to know that I'm not just being oversensitive about this!

    I feel like femme invisibility is a huge problem, sometimes even within the LGBTQ community.

    And yeah, I do get this comment most often from men.

    The other night I got it followed by the even worse, "You just haven't been with a real man yet, let me take you home & I'll f**k you straight." Both disgusting & frightening at the same time.
     
  18. ChloeKiss

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    That last part fills me with anger. Yes I struggle with femme invisibility myself and certain males thinking they are gods gift to women pisses me off to no end. ''I'll fuck you straight?'' fucking RUDE AND DISRESPECTFUL. I wonder how they sleep at night honestly.

    The worst part for me is i'm a ''pretty'' feminine girl attracted to other feminine women. So they can't spot me and I can't spot them. And I hate getting the ''look'' from males.. it's so not flattering. Sorry you had to be a victim to one of those cheap lines some straight men throw at lesbians when they're ego gets bruised when they realise an attractive female just DOESN'T WANT THEM. Just laugh at them and pity them. (*hug*)
     
  19. Melanie

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    I dont find it insulting. People are sometimes ignorant. Thats life. So now theyre a bit better educated and I just helped to break a stereotype. Thats my view on it.

    Additionally, there are some gay women that are butch-ish that are absolutely STUNNING... far far more beautiful than many straight women, but theres no mistake theyre butch.

    Honestly though Ive never encountered that. People kinda look at me funny sometimes but they never say anything.