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does this make sense?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by musican, Oct 13, 2008.

  1. musican

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    i have always had an easier time talking to girls because i grew up with 2 sisters, one 2 yrs older, the other 2 yrs younger my mom, and my dad, who i dont get along with. I have always knwn there was something different about me, i knew i liked guys but didnt want to admit it. i never really had friends that were guys and everyone decided to pick on me and say that i was gay. i began to strongly dislike guys and develop trust issues. it wasnt easy for me to talk to guys, but somehow i made a guy friend. it didnt last because he said something that was an innocent question but i took it as an insult. i was so sick of people insulting me that i thought he was insulting me so i attacked him with insults and metaphorically speaking, if i hurt him any morehe wouldve been dead when i was done. so recently ive accepted that im attracted to guys but i dont understand why. ive never had a lasting friendship with a guy, lest face it if i talk to one guy in a day its a miracle. ive only ever been hurt by a guy so im not sure why i would be attracted to them. the other thing that confuses me is im not sure if im bi or gay. there is one girl that have the biggest crush on. i imagine my life with her, getting married and having kids, all that. the only thing is that i feel like a perv if i stop and think, wait how do those kids get there? im not sure if i imagine a life with her because i really like her or if im afraid to give up the idea that a guy grows up, gets married to a girl and has kids. i know myself well enough to know that i need to have kids, and even though i know that same sex couples can adopt, i know that it will always be weird to know and think in the back of my mind this isnt my kid, they have different parents who they might like to know someday. so im not exactly sure what im asking, but i guess its along the lines of: am i bi if i want to have only sexual relationships with guys, any only emotional relationships with girls? and how do i know if i can have a different relationship with someone than i expected(emotional with guy, sexual with girl)?
     
  2. Gumtree

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    Hehe yes it makes perfect sense ^^

    It sounds like you're in the early stages of self acceptance .

    When guys first realise that they are attracted to males it generally starts of as a physical thing, they don't have any emotional attraction at all but do to girls. I mean that makes sense right, cos they're not gay, all they know is that they're attracted to guys.

    Then comes the, oh I think I’m Bi, but I would only 'date' a girl, i just can't see myself in a relationship with a guy (Why should you?! Up until recently you thought you were the typical guy that will get married and have 3 kids, 2 dogs and a cat named fluffy)

    Eventually as they explore their sexuality more, things change, male relationships start to be become an option and you might even start thinking that perhaps hey, the more I think about it the more I like guys, and they're not that bad afterall! Perhaps I’m actually gay!

    I'm not saying this happens to everyone, there are loads of Bisexual guys out there! But SO many 'gay' guys have a 'bi phase' during their come out.

    As for the trust issue; I was exactly the same!

    I grew up originally in a really small village in the middle of whoop whoop, there were 3 other kids in my primary school within 3 years of my age, all of which were girls. When I moved into town and hit high-school I suddenly went from a 12 kid school to 150 kids in my year (OMG 80 guys my age! *drool*) but I had a lot of trouble forming any form of friendship with them, they treated me a lot different than girls did, expected different things from me and I had to do things I never did before in order to gain any respect from them (e.g talk about cars, girls, fighting etc).

    So for a long time it just never worked out, but then I met some guys that were different, somewhat similar to me (not gay... yet...) and we got on really well, I had more similarities with them then my girl friends and it was easier to communicate. It was hard at first because all my first attempts had just gotten me hurt, but i eventually opened up more and invoked the 'You have to be a friend to make a friend philosophy. It was a stepping stone to a whole new social existence.

    Hope it helps in anyway, good luck.
     
  3. musican

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    first off, thanks for replying.

    i just want to clarify that its not that i wouldnt date a guy, its just that there arent any out guys at my school and i dont talk to guys, or trust them very much so i dont feel emotional connections with them. i have one guy friend, but we arent that close and i dont see him that much. we met taking dance classes and became friends over the fact that we were the only guys in the class and there were only 2 or 3 other guys that danced. other than that, i dont talk to guys and they either ignore me or make fun of me.
    i know that some people go through a 'bi phase', but the thing is, how can i think that i like someone so much that i think about how our life would be together? seeing a picture of her makes me smile, thinking about her makes me smile, can i make that up to subconciously make myself 'feel better' about liking guys? i couldnt hide the fact that i like guys from my best friend, but i also couldnt hide my crush on this girl. the question is, can my friend know something about me that i want to believe is true, but really isnt true? sorry if thats confusing, its not making much sense to me either.
     
  4. Wander

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    Jesus Christ, make paragraphs...

    Anyway, it's perfectly normal. I find it easier to talk to the female members of my family, even though I'm very certainly attracted to men. I think part of the reason why I - and possibly you - don't have many male friends is because we're more interested in gay male friends. Straight guy friends may not have the same appeal, even in a simple platonic relationship.
     
  5. musican

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    Sorry about not making paragraphs, I realize it would be easier to read through if I broke it up somehow, but this is my first time talking about it and I don’t have my thoughts in order.

    I think that the reason that I don’t have man guy friends is because I live in a small town and go to a small school that is plagued by racism, sexism and rampant homophobia. I’m not out to anyone except 2 of my friends (both girls) and one of their moms, but I don’t feel comfortable talking to people that I know are homophobic or that make homophobic comments. Sadly, many people at my school are homophobic or make homophobic remarks. I have found that guys are more likely to make homophobic remarks and if they do, I don’t feel comfortable talking to them, so I’m more likely to talk to and be friends girls.

    I don’t really care that I don’t have guy friends in school, but it does bug me that I either really like this girl, or I want myself to like a girl so that I can be bi instead of gay. How do I know if I actually like her or if I’m lying to myself?
     
  6. musican

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    how do you tell someone that you know you like guys, but youre not sure if you like girls?
     
  7. Gumtree

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    I think you already have the answer in you. :grin:
     
  8. musican

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    what do you mean? i think that i like this girl. but i also know that ive lied to myself for my entire life telling myself that i dont like guys but i do.
     
  9. musican

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    Well, I talked to my guidance counselor and told her that I like guys, but I’m still confused if I like girls too. So now I have someone else to talk to about it. The only other people I would tell are my older sister and my mom, in that order. Do you think that it makes sense to talk to them and say that I’m bi or gay, but I’m not sure yet, or should I just wait?
     
  10. Gumtree

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    Just gonna repeat what I said before!

    You already have the answer in you.

    --------- Do you think that it makes sense to talk to them and say that I’m bi or gay, but I’m not sure yet---- is the same as saying "I am still confused and unsure of myself, but I am either gay or bi, perhaps somewhere inbetween; I will tell you as soon as I manage to figure out."
     
  11. Myke

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    Wow you are just like me!

    Back when I was 15 I thought I was Bi too, the same physical attraction to men and emotional attraction to women but then I started to be emotional attracted to men too and can actually picture myself dating a guy. So I was too contemplating if I were gay or bi. But you see I was never attracted to women physically, I was only attracted to their personalities and society forced the idea of Man and Women on me as a kid. I never once said a girl was "hot". So then I magically became gay haha.

    One the note about having guy friends. I too don't have any real close guy friends. I hate the whole "macho" thing some guys do and I have a real hard time being myself with straight guys. Mainly because I'm afraid if I get too close to them, they might figure out that I'm gay and our whole friendship will be down the drain. Even though I am probably the most straight acting gay guy ever. Paranoia I know. The only semi-close guy friend I have is my good friend's (who is a girl) boyfriend and we hang out a lot as a group. Though I did have some good guy friends when I was in elementary school long time ago when things were much less complicated.

    I kind of rambled, I hope it makes sense.

    As for labeling yourself, Don't. Just for with the flow, if you currently like a girl then go for it. Only you can figure out your sexuality and your orientation. No one is 100% straight or gay.
     
    #11 Myke, Oct 19, 2008
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 19, 2008
  12. musican

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    thanks everyone. and yes myke, that made sense even though you rambled bit haha.
    i really think that im gay and im just attracted to her personality. shes an amazing person and i wish more people were like her.
    now that im pretty darn sure im gay, how do i get it out of my head that i like her? i smile when i think about how great she is and i think about how she would be a great mom, but i never think about kissing her or anything else like that. i wish i was better friends with her, but we dont see each other much so we dont really talk.
    myke, how long did it take you to realize that you werent bi and to stop trying to think about girls? sorry if that doesnt make sense, or is just weird.
     
  13. Myke

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    I've always known I liked boys, since as long as I can remember. It wasn't really much of an issue til I was 15 and started to get feelings for guys. If you count that then 15 years? haha but the whole "do i like girls or not?" thing, probably a couple months
     
  14. musican

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    yea, ive known i liked guys almost since forever, but i havent accepted it or allowed myself to be ok with it until 2 or 3 months ago. so i guess if im like you this 'do i like girls thing will pass soon' haha. thanks
     
  15. Myke

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    No problem. Don't think about it too much though, I don't know about you but during that period of time, I was so caught up in it that it really affected my school work.
     
  16. musican

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    yea, that has already happened to me. last year i went into a bad depression because i was thinking too much about not being gay. i concentrated so much on ignoring my deepest darkest thoughts that i had no idea who i was and began to wonder why i was here and if it would make any difference if i was gone. i lost sleep trying to hide me from myself and everyone else. my parents tried helping me by sending me to the doctors for meds but they just made me worse. it scared me how suicidal i was but i didnt want to tell anyone because i was scared they would try to put me in a psych ward. i stopped taking the meds when i realized that it was hurting my best friend seeing me so depressed. ive gotten a lot better since then, but now i have anxiety about people finding our im gay because i live in a very unaccepting town.
     
  17. Mickey

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    Ummmm..Myke? I am,without a doubt,100% gay! (lesbian!) Just wanted to let you know that! LOL!
     
  18. musican

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    ?? what was that for?
     
  19. Except for the personal details, if you add some punctuation and spacing I could've written this. As for why you're attracted to guys, here's a fitting theory (a theory, not proven fact). Most straight guys have a majority of male friends, they always hang out with guys, etc, whereas you seem to have female friends for the most part (I'm the same way). We usually understand girls and so on. So guys become the "mystery" but for straight guys, girls are the "mystery." We want male companionship and to understand other guys. So, when it doesn't happen through friendship, we subconsciously seek other ways to get it. Hence, homosexuality. That isn't always the case though.

    You give such good advice! Thanks for that.

    Once again, you remind me of myself a lot.

    I believe she was referring to when Myke said no one's 100% gay or straight.
     
  20. musican

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    i know what you mean when you say that guys become the mystery when you arent friends with them. but how do you explain me feeling differently towards guys all my life; when i was younger i had guy friends. another thing is, this doesnt explain why i became better friends with girls than guys and just stopped having guy friends nearly completely. im pretty freaking sure that ive always been gay, i made friends with girls because i understood them better and they understood me better. this is not to say im friends with all girls or that i cant be friends with any guys, but that i cant be friends with the guys that i know because they dont accept me as i am. if there are gay guys at my school, they wouldnt be friends with me because they either dont accept themselves, or they dont want people to know. at my school im known as 'that gay kid'. i dont need to come out officially for them to know that im different than they are.