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Will it ever "feel right" to come out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Thereishope, Dec 5, 2014.

  1. Thereishope

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    Hi!

    I feel like being gay has paralyzed my personal life. I focused on other aspects of my life —probably to avoid dealing with this— like school, friends, my career, but I feel incomplete. I'm very private to my family and friends when it comes to this, and have only come out to my therapist.

    I'm almost 30, and haven't had any relationships gay or straight, and I'm worried that I'm wasting my life waiting for the right moment to come out, when in reality I don't know if it will ever feel like the right moment or if it will always feel as terrifying as it seems to be right now. I know people that have lived their entire lives in the closet, and I really don't want that to be me.

    Both staying in the closet and coming out scare me a lot! Any advice or comments will be appreciated!! :slight_smile:
     
  2. Mirko

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    Hi there, and welcome to Empty Closets! :slight_smile:

    Reading through your post, I could certainly identify with what you are experiencing at the moment. Before I came out, I kept my sexual orientation to myself, and focused on everything else except opening up about it.

    Having come out to your therapist is already a major step, and an important one. It could very well give you the chance to become confident in starting to come out. Joining Empty Closets and starting to talk/write about your experience thus far, is another important step.

    The first person I came out to was my counselor and after that I started working on becoming comfortable with the idea of coming out, and eventually coming out.

    You are not wasting your life by waiting to come out, or finding the right moment. Sometimes, it's more about being okay with others knowing and being out. When you ask yourself the questions:

    You have already a great motivation to start opening the closet door: not wanting to stay in the closet. In some respects, it could be the beginning of your coming out, and you becoming ready for others to know.

    Everybody comes out in their own time, and there is no deadline that you need to reach. All that matters is that you are comfortable and ready. :slight_smile:
     
  3. titanV

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    Hey! It's great that you've already come out to someone -- that IS major progress! That also means you've already built a momentum, and now you just need to capitalize on it.

    I do agree with Mirko that everybody comes out in their own time, but from personal experience, I think the longer you wait (especially once you hit your thirties), the more frustrated you will become with this whole situation, and that in turn leads to regrets. Of course, that doesn't mean you need to come out if you don't feel comfortable with it, but since you've taken the first step and told your therapist, you're on the right path.

    I'm glad you came here for help. The encouragement that this community gives is invaluable. At least it was for me; maybe that's all what you need right now. :goodluck:
     
  4. aboutface

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    For me it helps to move me closer towards coming out when I consciously stop focusing on the fear, and start focusing on what positives would come from coming out, and how much I want those.

    I want to live a more authentic and honest life, without the deflection and denial and half-truths. I want to more fully be myself without feeling like I need to hide this thing from everyone all the time. I want the door to possible meaningful romantic relationships to not be locked and dead-bolted shut for the rest of my life.

    When I focus on these things, my resolve tends to grow. Those things are really worth something, and it's worth tackling some fear and uncertainty in order to try and get them. I think if you stay just focused on the fear, it can really be paralyzing. Believe me I can relate. I don't expect that fear to go away on its own, so you'll be waiting a long time if that's what you're waiting for.

    What can happen is that your resolve to have those things you deserve and to be the person you are can grow strong enough slowly over time that the fear is no longer a big enough deterrent. The fear is still an obstacle, but the prospect of not ever reaching the destination beyond that fear becomes completely unacceptable.

    I should note that I'm not actually out yet (except to a couple people), but where the fear was once able to stop me cold, I can now feel my resolve building. I hope this can help in some way.
     
  5. Thereishope

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    Thank you so much for all the replies, it means so much to me to have this space to talk about it and to have your support. It may sound stupid, but just reading that some of you could relate to what I'm going through made me feel better!

    I'm going to work on a coming out letter to a friend that I trust and who is also gay (I tried telling him in person, but I just get really nervous), so I hope that if I'm able to do that and come out to him first, I'll have more people to talk to about this and be able to finally start opening up to my close friends and family.