Don' t know where to begin..

Hi all, so I' ve been lurking around this forum here and there for a few months..only attempting to post today. I'm really relieved and happy you guys exist--it seems like a lot of support comes out from here. Hoping to receive some myself, so here I go..

In short I'm a 18 year old still virgin college student. I grew up in a very conservative community/region, though not quite exactly a Southern flavor of it. My parents hold more or less the same views as the norm here, though maybe a bit more global whereas here its more small-town thinking. While you wouldn' t be burned at the stake for being gay (as long as your not a liberal) your certainly going to being looked at funny or hear "well god made gay people to priests!" or "its not that gay people are wrong, just if they act upon it." Hell, you get looked at funny if you exactly like everyone else. Culture is certainly all but gone here, so has nature. The point of all of this is to say basically I have deviated from my hometown' s identity in almost every single way. I kept my views and sentiments to myself my entire childhood/teenhood. I've learned eventually how to become a master of creating double personalities so that I can actually have friends and somehow live as normal kid, though it was more or less a battery that would have X amount of juice a day. Once my charge was over, I would lock up and shrivel up into a dark place until I was able to identity/express myself in my alone time. This more or less got my through high school on a high note, even get to go to Formal and Sades and such. The only problem was that I never had a real relationship, never a real thing with a girl. I've always had attraction to guys, but I somehow lied to myself and brushed it off.

You might be wondering, okay don' t you know that it was just to remain normal? Well yes, but I think I actually believed it. Somehow I still do except in moments I wake up and smell reality (like now). I want to hold on to this lie at the very least. I don' t know why. I know from experience that I am one the most accepting of people and their way of life regardless of their gender color identity etc etc. And yet and I cant finally accept the fact that I AM gay. I'll accept it for a night and by the next day believe the lie again. Yes, I have had times where there were girls that turned me / turn me on, but I' ve used those moments to create a rule from just exceptions. I am always turning again to catch another glimpse of guys. Everything about an attractive guy with a nice ass and fine face and a masculine voice turns me on. I ve gotten a boner for basically numerous men, basically only once or twice for a women. Why is this so difficult?

The only explanation I can think of is that I' ve basically been a dissapointment during my childhood to my parents in every way, especially my mom (and my dad who can' t relate to me too much). My mom desperately wanted me to be the "cool" kid, hang out with the "cool" kids, play football and do "cool" things. It was sophomore year I finally rebeled against their control of my life and earned back my freedom to choose how I wanted to be. I've became a lot happier since, despite the fact I still had to conform somewhat. Nonetheless I was able to open the minds up a bit of the new friends I' ve made slow and steadily, to the point I was even able to merge my two personalities together around them as long as I kept low-key on certain things. I was able to pursue activites I more or less liked, and by my senior year I had quite the respect of my class for things I' ve accomplished. Even my parents, mother especially, began to appreciate me for who I was finally, and even expressed once how she regrets trying to prevent me from basically being my own person. I did not turn out to be the awkward outcast as she so feared I would be, I found my way to becoming accepted through subtleness and moderation. The fact that I still am relationshipless however, still is a concern for them. My mom has probably has a panic burst or crusade about me being gay about once a year. I denied it every time and she tries her very best to believe me. After all, she really wants me to be straight just as muh as I want to be straight. There' s literally nothing else that would connect me to my local culture' s and family' s roots other then being straight. The fact that I am not a Christian at all (lied that I still believe in God though still) has been already seemingly the nail in the coffin. How am I supposed to tell them I'm gay now? And what about all their friends and social circles that they so obsess about what they think ? How am I going to have a relationship with my dad that actually has life to it if I now not have a single thing in common with him?

I am now in college quite distance away, and with that a community with an entirely different outlook of life. Its West coast college town that basically has the motto "life is to live now live it!" (or "you do you boo boo"). Everyone is young and finding out what is going to make them happy. I need to find out for myself as well. I am finally truly free to explore and be myself here. I ve been here for a few months now, and yet I still have no girlfriend and no hookup. I cock block myself with girls, making excuses and so much stress for someone who really doesnt really turn me on. At best they become yet another friend because you know thats all I deep down want from a girl anyways. I' ve been told numerous times since I' ve been here how im attractive by both girls and gay gays (or "oh my friend down the hall/from this place has a thing for you/ thinks your hot/ cutie,you should check that out) so its not like I really have this mountain to climb. Its the simple fact that I'm not interested in girls, and yet I turn down guys because I don' t want to admit I'm gay. How do I get out of this cycle? I am so afraid of the consequences of coming out. If I open up to a relationship with a man, I am forever changed in everyone' s eyes, not just back home, but to the guy friends I' ve FINALLY made here in college (I had some in middle and high school but they never lasted too long or devolved into basically nothing). To add to it I' ve had a conversation with some people the other day who were basically saying they don' t know how people who never did it with a guy or girl can know if they are gay or not if they haven' t had sex with both. Is it still too early for me to come out? Do I need to have sex with both to confirm for sure I know what I want? Sorry for the length, and thanks to anyone who took the time to read through all of this! I just don' t know where to go from here. I know I can' t live in denial forever I know I have to change. Its ironic even moreso because I ' ve had enough courage to do SO many things so far including studying abroad by myself for a year in foreign country and yet I cant even do this.

 

Thanks for the response and welcome USxUK, and I think you are quite right. My parents have shown the ability to accept the path I have ended up taking these recent years. I know that they won't be mad at me or anything of the sort, just moreso I feel terrible that I haven't really identified at all with where I came from, which they have made points about a few times. But, its the inevitable truth after all if I want to be happy and find love. As you said, its a great time in my life I need to make the most of it.

Somehow though, even though its been years, I still feel like I'm not quite ready to make the leap. I feel like I still need to process this. I guess I am at least "out" to myself now once and for all? I think I will at least reach out to a LGBT community or the on campus group as a first step. One on one and group talk couldn't hurt. And down the line I will try out a date when I feel ready.

Thank you again. I know this will have to work because it sort of has to lol. I don't know why I feel like I have so much to lose when there is only to gain.

 

So I feel like I made some good progress today. In the midst of all finals I "tested the waters" so to speak with coming out. I texted probably the safest bet, my good HS friend that now lives on the other side of the country (and I know I trust her and we have a supportive relationship). She was extremely cool with it. Her response literally was "well that's awesome. Thank you for telling me. I'm proud of you for coming to terms with it." Then we briefly talked about it, made a joke, then went back to everyday topics. It's really amazing because she's a practicing catholic which really makes me appreciate her love and openness. More people need to be like that.

I plan on telling some of my friends when I go home from break in person, then probably at school, and parents when I feel ready too. I feel really relieved and comfortable now after telling one person. Although I'm sure officially being out to everyone where there are actually social consequences will be a bit more challenging, I'm nonetheless proud I took the first baby step. I've even stopped visiting this site under the in-private browsing mode. Pretty some hopefully I'll perhaps try a date next quarter if my pace allows it !