I’m new to this site and for those who can take the time to listen; I'd like to speak my story and my difficulties surrounding it. I'm 24 years old and recently I had finally come to accept that I am a gay male. I have been struggling with this since I was about 12 years old: dealing with overwhelming urges, confusing thoughts, or just knowing that I was different from others but unable to determine why. Since I was young, I’ve been bullied for being “weird” or “different”, and have been called all kinds of names, most of them homophobic. Those names scared me the most, because my peers had taught me that being gay was wrong, and that it was a choice. My parents were no better. Most of their prejudice focuses on black people, but they squeeze in a homophobic comment every so often. When I got older, around 15, I had my first gay experience. I was confused, the feelings were real and right there in front of me. I wanted it to happen, but then I didn’t. As soon as it started, I panicked and ducked deeper into the closet. I told my friend that I thought he wasn’t serious about what he suggested doing and that there was something wrong with him… even though I knew that I liked what was happening. I thought there was something wrong with me… and that stayed with me until this year. The confusion left me thinking that he violated me, even though I can now say that he didn’t really do anything wrong because I had let him. I wish I had more courage back then, and a better understanding of what being gay is. Sexual orientation should be something taught in school, so that kids don’t feel they have the expectation to be straight. Coming out wasn’t something easy for me to do, even though I’ve only told my closest friends. I was in a relationship with a woman and we had just hit our 5 year anniversary. We broke up a couple weeks before I told her I was gay, because she didn’t feel the same about me anymore. She felt that I didn’t give her what she needed and she felt that we were both very distant from each other. My libido was non-existent, and even as she was losing weight and becoming more and more beautiful by the day, I found no interest. I always attributed it to stress or low testosterone or something and that I would see a doctor to see just what the problem was. This was what really sparked my discovery. Both her and my previous relationship had told me I was gay, or at least bisexual, due to what I was interested in behind closed doors. In the end, they were right. I have yet to tell my family. I think I’ve only told about 10 people, my closest friends. I’ve spent so long denying the feelings I’ve had that it’s hard for me to look at anyone and see them as attractive. The past few months have shown improvements, though. I’ve been trying to look at guys differently without shame or embarrassment, or knowing that I’m tied to someone and feeling the need to respect the person I’m with and their feelings. It helps. I can feel my sexual interest growing again, so I don’t feel like there is something wrong with me. I’m scared too. I’m afraid of the difficulties that come with being gay from society. I’m afraid of not finding someone who is right for me, who shares similar interests and values in life, especially since people see me and can’t tell that I’m gay even in the slightest. I don’t act or dress flamboyant at all, so I feel that since I’m not visibly available, I may not meet many gay guys or draw their attention. I also don’t really know many gay people, no more than what I can count on one hand. I’m afraid of co-workers finding out about my orientation and judging me for it, and I already hear their comments about homosexuals in the workplace and they are really hurtful. I work at a huge liberal university, so there is a gay community and a lot of events that go on. I feel that it’s the only thing I have going for me. I hope I can think of some subtle way to show I’m gay without drawing too much attention from the masses. And even though many people just say I'm silly for it, I also feel like I'm a little late in life for coming to terms with being gay. I feel that it's lost time, but in contradiction to that, I feel like I've only really missed out on high school drama relationships and college hookups, and now I'm ready for big-boy relationships, which my next relationship will be my first gay one. To be honest… I really wish I wasn’t gay. It would make things so much easier, but on the other hand, I’m happy. I’m happy that I’ve found out why I’ve struggled in relationships for so long. I’m happy that I might find someone who can make me happy without me having to try and force myself to be content. I hope things turn around, and I hope I gain the courage to go out and try to meet people. My friends are willing to go with me to said events, which is comforting knowing I’m not alone. But at the same time, I’m worried all the same about everything. I’m taking things day by day. Sometimes I’m moody and have bad days and I drink (which I NEVER do…), and sometimes I’m happy and content with myself. There are so many thoughts going through my head and they’re really hard to deal with. And I know the old saying, “It gets better”. I sure wish it would happen sooner than later. Ha! If you guys have any advice on anything that I've talked about, I'll gladly take it. This is the first time I've ever reached out for help like this.
Actually, it sounds like you have your thoughts really well put together and are approaching your new life as you should be, with good will and ambition. Take things step by step. You have your entire life ahead of you. I agree completely that you by-passed much of the drama stage and can focus on a big boy relationship. No need to rush into one, take your time. You still have a lot to figure out about yourself, but you really sound like your on the right path!
Same problem with me, main diffrence is I do not regret being gay, as you later state in your post. If I could -I would choose to be gay again(thankfully magic ain't allowed in our 4-dimensional world, right? ). I think being gay, being attracted to boys, my first crush, my first big love ... all those things have shaped me in a way and do I like the way I am? Yes, totally. It's dangerous playing with choice. Choose diffrently than what life actually offers and you might find yourself in a state you wouldn't want to be, again. And anyways, being gay is just one of the million things shaping you as a person. Slap yourself, get rid of all negative thoughts and go search for that awesome guy you deserve =)
This really helps. There are things that I would like to do for myself now that I'm not in a relationship, such as starting a work-out regime. I want to become a person I love so that I can find a person who loves me for all I am, so that I can give the the full package at my best. ---------- Post added 7th Dec 2014 at 08:51 PM ---------- You are beyond correct. Listening to others and their experiences really helps. I've only been out if a relationship for two months, so I'm still in a "regretful" spot where I still have a lot of pessimistic thoughts about if I actually made the right decision leaving a heterosexual relationship for a lifestyle that will be more fulfilling, but is something new and completely unfamiliar to me. I think most of my problem is that I'm just anxious about my future and the possibility of future relationships. I'm a very sensitive person, and I really don't date without the intention of staying with that person for the rest of my life, and now I have to start over, and this time it's completely new. Just lots if worry, I'm sure, I hope
As another poster said, it sounds like you have your thoughts pretty well in order. One blessing is you have accepted your sexuality before getting in a situation where you were married or it was otherwise hard to get out of without hurting someone. As far as not wanting to be gay, far better that you be yourself and be happy than make yourself act straight, but end up being miserable. [The again- thats theoretical for me- I only recently accepted I was gay.. and have yet to come out (other than to my therapist) much less to look for a relationship or become part of the local gay community. ] Give it time- you've already taken the important step of accepting yourself and deciding to do what makes you fulfilled.
I was close to marriage. We had it planned out in less than a year. I was to propose a month after we broke up on her birthday. So happy that didn't happen. You are right, I'm sure. I've never known anyone be content with living their life as a lie. That always ends in regret.
I totally understand being called "weird" or different. I had the same experience. I also share your fears of never finding the right person for me and that people will judge me. I know the road ahead isn't going to be easy, but I'll just go with it and face the challenge as it comes to me. No sense in worrying about it, and it's worse to pretend you're someone your not just because it seems easier. I know very few gay people as well. I felt like I had realized late at 17. I don't think it's bad to not realize earlier, and you shouldn't feel negative about it because it wasn't your fault. If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you so don't hesitate to post on my wall. Nobody knows I'm gay either unless I tell them. A subtle way to let other gays know is to wear a rainbow bracelet. I just made one, and the people who are will recognize it for what it is and other people usually don't. That's my suggestion, but you could get some other pride apparel.
I think many of us can relate to your story in some ways. It also took me a while to realize I was gay. I came out to myself when I was 20, and then it took me 3 years to come out to my close friends. I lived all those years without being able to reconcile my desire to be straight and my feelings (I have never had a lot of interest in girls). I completely agree with you on teaching about sexual orientations at schools. I have had known back then that being gay wasn't a choice, it would have saved me a lot of pain, confusion, and self-hatred. As you said in your own post, it does get better with time. It feels kinda strange at first to give yourself freedom to check out guys and stuff, but it all goes away. It also seems like you already have a group of friends who support you, which is great! We all have good and bad days, but as times goes by the good days are more frequent. I realized that alcohol wasn't making it for me on those gloomy days, so I started lifting weights whenever I was feeling down. It really helped me, plus there is always some eye candy at the gym . Maybe finding something to distract you from your thoughts could help. Any way, it seems like you are in the right path. Everyone goes at their own pace, so don't worry too much about missing out. Good luck!
