It's hard to believe that my 24th birthday is fast approaching and I am still living in the closet. I haven't told anyone and the more time that goes by, the more impossible coming out feels. I watched some coming out videos online and I could feel the anxiety flooding my body as if it was me coming out. I could feel my chest tighten and it was really challenging to catch my breath. I've been living this lie for so long now that I am literally paralyzed with fear and knowing that if i come out i probably wont be able to continue the career path that i want to take. I also fear that my family will disown me and I have already alienated all of my friends but one. My mentor is really homophobic and made fun of gay people constantly over the past several years, my parents fiance is extremely homophobic and i don't want to lose my only friend. I also fear that society isn't ready to have a gay male in this area of the my industry. Both of my parents also went through cancer treatment within the last couple of years and I didn't want to tell them during all of that. Now i feel like coming out is more of a burden on my family because of all that they've been through. I put my life on hold to help them while i was neglecting my own basic needs. I still live at home so I could help my parents through treatment instead of working but now I am running out of money, I feel like i have no purpose and I have no source of income. I don't even know what to do, so some days I do nothing and I just numb out to the world while time disappears. I so badly want to continue with my dream but i just don't know how to take the next steps moving forward. I have gone through so much and I am really overwhelmed. I feel like a bathtub that was once willed with water that has been fully drained. I feel like i have failed at life and that coming out would disappoint my entire support system. I simply don't even feel alive anymore.
I feel for you CityBoy. Are you able to meet up with some other gay people in your area. I'm not suggesting going to bars or such, but maybe find some groups for people with similar interests to you? Once you have a few gay friends to help you, you won't worry so much about your current 'friends'. Start with small steps, and take your time. But do try to meet up with other gay people in your area. You also need to have a life of your own you know! (*hug*)
Hi CityBoy I know that numbing out feeling, I did that from 29 until I was 51. (got married and pretended everything was ok) :bang: When I was between 20 and 29 I would occasionally sneak away from my friends and go to a gay bar or club :eusa_danc (being gay was illegal at that time). At that time I felt like a complete failure. :tears: When I came out to myself again in my fifties I found meeting other gay people in social settings really wonderful. I met people through a gay running club and a support group for gay married men. I was able to stay in the closet and be in contact with a lot of gay friends until I was comfortable coming out a few people. All I can say is that it is possible to live a double life until you are ready to come out. I did find coming out a wonderful experience. But coming out should only be done when you are totally ready. I wasted a lot of my life being numb, so live your life as fully as you can. (*hug*)
I was around your age and used a really friendly gay forum/chat room as an outlet. The guys on there eventually had a get together local and I just went. I got to the stage where I looked at what hiding in the closet was doing to me and came to the realisation that I wasn't getting any younger so 'fuck it' and made the journey out of the closet with no regrets
Thank you guys so much!! The support means so much to me and the suggestions are really appreciated. Sending lots of positive energy from Canada. It's nice feeling like I'm not alone.
