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Some Advice Please

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by one and only, Dec 9, 2014.

  1. one and only

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    I have told three friends that I like women. I except who I am, and I am okay with it too. The only thing I fear is what my family might think. I am getting over that a little and now I'm at a point where I want to tell one of my cousins. I do not know where she stands with the LGBTQ community so I feel a little hesitant. I can see now why I have been so obsessed with the reaction of my family and its because for so long I have been all about them, and I sort have put myself second to a lot of things. I am in the process of fixing that right now. When I finally recognized that change needed to be made I did not know where to start. Then when I was hit with the reality that I can no longer deny myself of my true feelings that sent me into panic mode. For so long I've done this dance where I acknowledged and explored my attraction to women and then I superseded it. I can't do that anymore. I have so much positive things falling into place in my life now and I don't want to be held back by the what ifs, and what people may have to say, by people I mean my family. I want to put myself out there and meet new people who have the same interest as me and unfortunately the area I live in has nothing to offer me. I find myself holding back asking a few people I know who are Lesbians for advice for the fear of my family finding out. I have to get over this, and I think I am starting to because this who situation is becoming more of an annoyance instead of just being fearful. My question is what should I do to see if telling my cousin is the right thing for me? She would be my first family member who would know. Another thing that worries me is if she mentions anything to her mother that would suck because she is like the gossip queen of the town. I want to have control of everything but I know that I have to let that idea go and just live my life.
     
  2. jay777

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    Do you have a feeling your cousin is trustworthy ? Like not telling if you don't like it ?

    You might just in general talk about lgbt related subjects... or series like the l-word... gauging her reaction, taking it from there...


    (*hug*)
     
  3. one and only

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    I do trust my cousin; she is very supportive of me in many aspects of my life, that is why I fell I can talk to her. I think I do have to bring up LGBT related subjects; we have never talked about this subject so I’m not sure how to go about it casually. I could be very direct and I want to avoid that.

    The other day I was so ready to do it, I was even going to come out to my sister. My sister and I were joking around talking online and she had brought up men and their genitalia and said a comment like “everyone loves it” and I was going to respond to her that I did not, lol but I didn't send it. I had all the courage and I wanted to do it too. The next day I went out with my mother, and my sister. My mother had brought up that one of my other cousins is seeing another woman. My mother and my sister had so much negative stuff to say. I cannot believe how people could have such negative attitudes, and could be so judgmental. I guess my dad had made the decision not to allow my cousin in his house because he is disgusted. According to my mom, my cousin is confused, and she believes my cousin has to be drunk in order for her to be intimate with her lady friend. Keep in mind she had such a negative demeanor as she said all of this. My sister came up with the most stupid comment I've heard in a long time. She said “people who are bisexual are attention whores, and would take attention from anyone who would give it to them.” I was so mad hearing everything that was being said. I told them, what does it matter who she is seeing, as long as she is happy it should not matter. I told my mom I was going to go out with my cousin and meet her lady friend, and she rolled her eyes and then later told me that she did not want my cousin to rub off on me. I told my mother, what do you mean, and she said jokingly that she did not want me to like women too. I could not even look her in the face. She asked me jokingly “you wouldn’t do that.” I still did not look at her, and I never told her I wouldn’t, I kept quiet because I did not want to lie.

    All the courage I had was gone after that conversation. I am still annoyed by it. It is nice to actually see how my family reacts because that is something I’ve wondered for a long time.
    The whole situation makes me mad. I can now see how they may react to me, and I feel everything I’ve been worried about is actually true. What makes me want to tell them is, I feel like I am going to live two life’s and I don’t want to do that. I want to go out and meet new people and I know my family is noise they are always up in my business. If they ask me what I’m up to, I want to be able to tell them because I don’t lie and I suck at it even if I try to.
     
  4. danielo21

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    Your family seems to be really ignorant, but is difficult to predict their reactions. Many people are casually homophobic but get around their facts when someone important in their lives is LGTB.I can tell that you are a confident person who doesn't like other's opinions interfering with your hapiness. The decision is up to you, but love is probably one of the most important things, even more important than the wrong beliefs of your family.

    On a side note, I see more problems with your dad. Your mom and sis maybe homophobic but I'm quite sure they will be able to come around.
    I would try talking to your father about LGTB related topics to know the extent of his homophobia. Regarding, coming out, well if you want to be happy and free you know you will have to do it sooner or later
     
  5. Batmanishere

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    Honestly I would just say that some of your family is a little ignorant to some of the facts about the LGBTQ community, but if your family does not seem to be homophobic, then I think telling a close member like a cousin is a great idea. It seems like after you tell one member of your family, it slowly gets easier to tell the rest. As long as your family doesn't seem hateful to the idea of you being bi, they will begin to accept you as time goes on, that is what family is for-loving the members no matter what. Anyways, it will be okay. Even if your cousin is opposed to the idea, if you trust her and ask her not to tell I believe she will respect that and accept you for who you are. Goodluck!

    Love, Batman
     
  6. one and only

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    I can be confident, and I only care what my family thinks of me. I believe that is why I've been having such a hard time figuring out what I want to do. I have not reached out to anyone I know who has the same interest as me. I know some people, but I am still hesitating to make a move. Before I would feel fear, and a lot of anxiety, when I thought about coming out to my family. Now I just get frustrated. I have a lot of other things going on in my life and I can’t seem to find a time where I feel it would be the best time to come out. I know it’s not something you schedule in the calendar. lol I guess I’ve taken into consideration how my lifestyle may affect my family’s feelings, and I don’t want to ruin their holiday or their day. Another thing is, I am actually finding myself wanting to tell my mother because of the way she did react to my cousin, I'm not sure if that is the right reason though. I can see how I should disregard their options on what makes me happy, but at the sometime I am so involved with my family so loosing that is a little scary. I am not sure what I would do from that point. As far as my dad goes, I figured I would let my mother tell him for me. I am a daddy’s girl so I know it’s going to suck losing his respect. My dad does a lot to help me out, and I’m going to miss that too. Thinking about that actually does make me a little anxious.

    Maybe I will just focus on reaching out to the people I know that are not my family, and see how that goes. If gossip and rumors start to spread about me, I’m ok with that. I’ve sort of expect that because of how small my community is. I know I have to do something because I’m obsessing over this.