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What changed after you came out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jerry36, Dec 10, 2014.

  1. Jerry36

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    So..what did change? I mean internally: emotions, behaviour etc. and externally: relationships with family, friends, work...

    And in retrospect, would you came out earlier, knowing all that?

    Grts jerry
     
  2. shinji

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    I became more cynical, depressed and slightly suicidal. All this happened, in part due to boyfriend troubles, but mostly because of disappointment. I had these high hopes, that once i came out, things will change, that i will get this sense of release.

    I do regret not coming out sooner, but tend to not dwell on it, since it's not something that i can now change. Thinking about it though, i honestly can say that my life would have turned out a lot better, had i come out sooner. Keeping my emotions bottled up, did not serve any purpose, apart from hurting me.

    As for relationships... The relationship between me and my parents has strengthened as now i feel that i can be honest with them about everything. As for friends, i don't have many, but the ones i do have tend to appreciate the fact that i was honest and trusting enough to divulge my "secret" to them.

    As for work... I'm already not too respected amongst my colleagues, for always voicing my opinion, which usually is contradicting everyone else's. Knowing that most of them are huge homophobes and some are even violent, i have my reservations about coming out. I am not actively hiding it, but i haven't told them either.
     
  3. titanV

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    On one hand, absolutely nothing -- I'm pretty much feel as miserable as I did 3 weeks ago when I was still in the closet. I guess being closeted for so many years takes its toll. On the other hand, everything has changed -- coming out to some of my immediate family members and a friend at work has lifted this huge weight off my shoulders; I can actually be myself. I don't have to be on constant guard anymore when talking to them, being afraid I say something that would give them a hint that I'm gay. It's so liberating!

    As far as relationships are concerned, that really depends how religious/conservative those you came out to are. In my case, it's been mostly positive/supportive but I'm only out to 4 people so far. I found that my mom has had the most struggles accepting it, but in no way our relationship has worsened.

    Would I came out earlier? Hell yeah, but it doesn't really matter anyway -- I try to take that regret and turn it into a catalyst to actually be out to more people.
     
  4. PositivelyMe

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    Well, now I totally am like "wow, that woman is absolutely beautiful" when I see someone who catches my eye on the street-not in an obnoxious way, but in a similar way to the way teen girls check out guys.

    I'm more comfortable being attracted to who I'm attracted to. I used to be so afraid it made me a freak, but it's fine. My sexuality is one modicum of who I am. No big deal.
     
  5. lostwoods

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    I have been blessed with a family that.has no issues at all with me being a lesbian. In fact when i told my grandmother she looked over at me and said "i thought so" we both laughed and continued playing animal crossing on the gamecube.together lol

    I told my.biological mother " she didnt raise me but has.always been around" and all she said was " guess that means i wont get any grandbabies" she was partially joking cause god.knows she wants grandchildren she tells me all the time. She then told me she loves me no matter what.

    So i guess all thats changed is now whenever i can actually get a date or have a relationship . Thats one less thing to worry about because its already accepted.
     
  6. OGS

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    OMG--everything! Seriously, there were lots of little changes. I didn't realize all the little things I was doing to keep people from figuring it out until I stopped. I walked differently, talked differently, moved differently--everything! The funny thing is now that I'm out most people still say I don't really seem gay, so who knows what I was doing all that for. But mainly the change was in my attitude and disposition--I finally was able to really open up and trust people. There's nothing that compares to knowing that you have put all of you really out there and people like it! When people liked or loved me I didn't have that nagging thing in the back of mind that always had to add the caveat, well, yeah but if they only knew... I became happier, more sociable and finally really felt in control of my life. I remember even my parents commenting (and lest you think my parents were big PFLAGers or something--they are Mormon Republican suburbanites who live in Utah, and this was over 20 years ago) that they hadn't realized how sort of distant and closed off I had been until after it all changed. Both my parents have commented at different times something along the lines of--wow, it's like you're finally really here with us.

    As far as the question of whether you would have done it earlier knowing what you know now--DEFINITELY!! I came out right after college and the fact that I wasn't out at least for college (back then really NOBODY came out earlier than college) is still probably the biggest regret of my life.
     
  7. happydavid

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    Nothing really. Women seem more interested in becoming my friend
     
  8. Jerry36

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    I think im more or less in the same situation as you. I had to tell my parents a few weeks ago because they had to know, i told a few friends but it did not made me feel relieved. I still feel anxious and down. Maybe its because im not fully accept who i am, or i am not out enough..i mean i feel stressed about telling my sister and brother and more close friends. Apparently telling a few important people didnt do the trick. Is that what you experiencing also?

    Grts jerry
     
  9. ccdd

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    I feel less anxious and more confident. I no longer have to fear the 'secret' because the secret is out. The nightmare has passed.

    This has been replaced by a lesser anxiety about the realities of being gay - discrimination, how to have children, how to meet a partner, etc. But this anxiety is NOTHING compared to the fear, denial and paralysis that I had before.

    There has also been a slight change in the way that some people view me or act around me - eg. assuming I fancy them. I'm willing to accept these friendships as being an acceptable sacrifice in exchange for the peace of mind that comes with coming out (ie. these changes hurt, but things are still better this way).

    I can just be myself: that sums it up best.
     
  10. Jerry36

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    I know what you mean i guess....im in my coming out period...its extremely terrifying for me. I m stressed out for more than two weeks now, putting everything on hold. First when i told my parents i hoped that anxiety would lift...it did but its back because i feel in my heart that more close people need to know.. Above that i am worried about the future, the same things you mentioned....

    From a confident guy i became a small and scared nervous wreck...when did you lose that anxiety? After how many people, and what were the relations with you?
     
  11. titanV

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    Somewhat. I found coming out as truly liberating though. Every time I tell someone I feel very happy, even if that feeling only lasts for a short period of time. I think it's short-lived because there’s still a lot of shame/guilt involved, and even feelings that I'm a disappointment to the people I care about -- this also falls into the whole accepting and being comfortable with yourself category that you mentioned.

    As for your situation, maybe the reasons for your coming out originated from frustration of not being out (I can relate). Maybe you were just not ready. Having a good support group also helps. Do you think you can freely talk about it to the friends you came out to? Hopefully they’ve been supportive.

    One last thing, I think we tend to over-analyze this whole coming out thing and blow it out of proportion, and that is what causes a lot of anxiety. Someone advise me on this forum that people are not in fact that much concerned with our sexuality than we think they are -- I think he's right. I think the sooner we realize that, the less stressful telling the next person will be.:slight_smile:
     
  12. tyuiop97

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    When I came out to my first friend, I became really depressed for whatever reason. Maybe I was just scared of the fact that I would eventually do the same thing for everyone else I knew. However, after I came out to all of my friends and my two sisters on October 11th, I just became a whole lot more confident and happy with myself. I'm starting a GSA at my high school and I'm a part of a leadership youth group whose mission is to make my city as well as the schools safer for LGBT+ kids. I can finally pursue what I really want to do which is to help those who are still struggling :slight_smile:

    As for relationships with other people, my sisters have been super accepting, although it doesn't come up in conversation. We don't see each other that much since they're in a different city. My friends have been great as well. The first person I came out to has given me a little trouble but I think its just a matter of him getting used to it. We're still friends. I think a lot of people have respected me more for being confident and happy with who I am. As others have said, people generally just don't care all that much. That's really not a bad thing.

    If you or anyone else is reading this to decide whether to come out or not, just know that no two coming out experiences are exactly the same. If you know coming out will be bad for you, and put you in harm's way, there is no shame in waiting for the right moment. At the same time, don't be too paranoid and freak yourself out. That's part of the thrill of coming out :grin:
     
  13. OnTheHighway

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    I after I came out, and accepted myself, I felt a surge in my overall self esteem, confidence and overall happiness. Boy, I wish I would have done so sooner :slight_smile:
     
  14. ccdd

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    Well, a low level of anxiety is still there, although it's getting better. It's now about 7 years since I came out to myself, and 5 years since I came out to my parents. I haven't, however, actually been in a gay relationship in that time, which I think will pose problems.

    I found that there was some stress on some level that disappeared the moment I acknowledged it (although I also freaked out). Once I had come out to my parents and best friend and siblings it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I had this really horrible feeling of stress after I had come out to myself and before I came out to them. This wasn't lessened by coming out to more distant friends or acquaintances or new friends. The hard ones were friends who had known me for years and my family. For this reason people who didn't know me as well often knew before those closest to me - they were like 'practice' coming-outs, as it were.

    The more I come out the easier it is. And it certainly improved once I had told all the 'important' people in my life. That really was a turning point. It doesn't really matter what people not important to me think.

    The anxiety about the future that replaced the previous anxiety/stress - well, this has taken a long time to lessen. Years, really. So I don't know how happy a story that is! But it does "get better" as they say. But this anxiety about the future is definitely less than the stress I had before coming out.
     
  15. Kasey

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    Welllll... visually a lot.
     
  16. YuriBunny

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    I could comfortably talk to my friends and family about girls I liked. I felt more honest not hiding my feelings.

    If I had known earlier... well, I think I actually did know beforehand. It was the reason I came out.
     
  17. ccdd

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    Yes - that's definitely another major thing! Being able to talk comfortably to people about girls I like. Rather than being this massive secret that I hide even from myself, it's something that's just incorporated into everyday life - and thus neutralised as a threat.

    And man, talking about women I like is SO MUCH EASIER than trying to come up with contributions about men, which is what used to happen! I used to wonder why women talked about men so much; now that I can talk about women, I can see why!
     
  18. YuriBunny

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    Definitely agree with that! When I was ten or eleven years old I found it confusing why girls would obsess over boys so much... but now that I've realized my attraction to girls, I love to talk about them all the time! ^^
     
  19. Bolt35

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    after i came out, i felt a bit relieved for a bit and it put my mind a bit more ease. after a while, i was pretty angry and suicidal at the same time (don't know how that works out but it's just how i felt at the time) i felt comfortable that i didn't really have to hide and it really put some perspective on what i was surrounding myself and understanding my privileges more, not that i'm entitled to any, just understanding what rights i have and others don't.

    i noticed a lot of changes and attitudes towards me when i told people that i was a gay man. i catch on pretty quick. my parents kind of became distant after a while, my sis started to get adjusted a bit, my cousin reached out, and a couple of "friends" changed their tune a bit. by the end of the day, it's my life after all. i'm more comfortable then ever and not having to dodge a question for a change. i think it might've changed a thing or two if i came out a bit sooner but i don't regret it as much. i developed my own "character" or personality, however you want to word it, and know who i am as a person. it's sort of a double edged sword
     
  20. Fallingdown7

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    It changed for the better, got rid of a lot of anxiety and sadness since I didn't have to hide it anymore.