Please help me Depression\Anxiety

Hello everyone, sorry for the long text, but i think to understand my situation its necessary.

Since I was 16 everyone found out I was gay in high school and pretty much made my life hell, i swopped class to another, which for a year was ok but the following year i was bullied to the extreme, in fact i still suffer from it (bad memories)...I have anxiety (which i have learnt to deal with) and now depression (which i havent). I had a friend who stopped being my friend when we got into an argument and she then started making homophobic jokes about me also, A lot of people said means things about me and some treated me badly but i was ok with myself if this makes sense, i didnt like feeling the way i felt (the bullying) but within myself i was ok being gay. In early october this year i went to my mothers bedroom (I was under stress because of a court situation) and i told her i was gay, i felt super sick physically afterwards that i went back into her room and told her im confused i dont feel sexually attracted to anyone. Anyways she dealt with it ok i think in general, but i just didnt feel comfortable and i felt super sick mentally and awkward for about 4-5 days then i was ok, I was me again. But recently (around i think sunday the 7th) I was watching top model and i saw the gay male model Will on the show (Who i loved seeing) then i started feeling super weird, questioning "is he gonna win" "gay male gonna win" which right now seems insane to even question...sadly he didnt win, but i wasnt feeling very happy, i was anxious and keep noticing his "stereotypical" behavior, which made me a bit uncomfortable, a few days ago i was thinking...why didnt certain people in my high school like me...I remember one girl in particular who was horrid to me, she said once when questioned by others, why dont you like him "oh i dont go with his face" actually it could only be because i was gay. Which hurt, as much as i didnt care for her not liking me but being because of the reason being that i am gay, it really got to me...

So anyways, I started thinking of the future a little, and in my mind (after watching top model) I kept saying to myself in my head "but your gay" ... "but your gay", and although id say to myself in my head, "so what, theres nothing wrong with it" i felt weird... Something i never used to feel before. Last thursday i was with some of my friends and we passed by two guys holding hands in school and one of them said "woah now i have seen everything in this school" and another was like "lol i respect and accept it but..." and then i just laughed along but didnt say anything mean. I keep seeing myself in a gay lifestyle after that episode, and whenever a gay character appeared on television or even a word similar to gay like "good or gauteau or cave" anything! id automatically think of the word "gay"

THIS IS WHERE MY DEPRESSION GOT WORSE... This year i am in a new class(alongside 3 friends of mine) because we failed 1 subject so we are re-taking (my friends are heterosexual females in case you want to know), and ive been trying to be nice to many people there, although i talk to the 2 girls i already knew the most, but i say hello to everyone, well theres this guy in my class, whenever id be like hello and shake his hand he seemed uncomfortable, not in a bad way, in like a "cold" way? i really dont know how to explain it, not cold. he was educated but, he spoke in a deep voice back to me, anyways one morning I went to school and it was too early so i sat on a bench, and a girl from my new class sat next to me, then we started speaking and more people from our class came over, most of them said good morning to me (shook my hand) ... he didnt.... And whenever we enter the building where we have lessons i look at him (he is handsome) but i end up looking at everyone else, normal look, i think he just notices more, this happens a lot, i enter and look around, end up looking at him (because he is looking at me) but then look away normally.

Ive noticed all of this (because i have anxiety) i pick up on everything even stupid things that arent important and i keep telling myself i am making stories up in my head there isnt a specific reason why he looks at me , but lately ive noticed he does this weird smirk and watches me whenever i enter the class room (you know like a smirk as if to say, lol i know your gay) ok, it doesnt mean that but it means (lol ur weird) im trying to explain the gesture as much as i can but cant, anyways this makes me uncomfortable. Yesterday I noticed before entering class the same thing happened, in fact i got up the buildings stairs before the others in my class and heard them looking around at the bottom saying "wheres the classroom" then looked and he was laughing at me when they found it. The same girl that spoke to me from my new class, she is close friends with him, as are others in class because they have known each other for 3 years, and she came and spoke to me normally, saying "hey friend how u doing" and another guy from my class to, but the guy that seems uncomfortable just watched from a distance giving me a weird facial expression as if i am an embarrasment... then when we went inside the classroom, i overheard him saying to the guy next to him "isnt he..." but i didnt hear the rest properly the answer i heard the other one say to him was "he is always like that" ... maybe he meant why i have a serious face? sometimes yes i have a serious face (not an angry one) but a like serious\Nervous face. Since then i have been feeling really depressed i went for a walk today and to my grandmas house, i cried and always want to either sleep or cry. When i am on the internet im more calm i guess, i dont feel like eating although i force myself to and in my mind i keep re-view these situations in fear of tomorrow going to school in case it happens again

Last year i could have handled this better, because this compared to the actual bullying i got is nothing but i dont like looking at myself in the mirror now, and sometimes i think of the word "but your a gay man" "fag" and i tell myself "i dont like being labelled gay man" and fag is a rude word... its like i am seeing homosexuality from a homophobics point of view... something i never used to before, i dont like feeling weird, different or left out... before i didnt mind people knowing i was gay. But this year i just wanted more male friends, friends in general and to get along with everyone in this class, as the last 3 years for me were hell, with a few exceptions of course of some days and weeks but mainly pretty bad and id look at others in my class as in "yeah im gay so what" or "yeah u dont like me well i dont care" but this time i didnt want that, because i want to be in a class that i am a part of, it was tough being alone... now i am questioning so many things... i dont like myself. My self esteem is awkward i keep feeling weird, i dont laugh unless im around people and its usually a fake laugh, i think he clearly knows i am gay because of rumours from others in my school or who knew the bullies from last year and i am scared he will tell others and they will feel uncomfortable around me, you know like when you enter a room and someone gives u that look of an uncomfortable smirk...well thats how he is.

I could be making this into a worse scenario than it is, but i need some advice, i cant concentrate for my test tomorrow because of this, i just want to be treated and seen as everyone else.

---------- Post added 11th Dec 2014 at 12:02 PM ----------

I am 19 now btw