Needing some self acceptance help

Ever since i knew i was gay i didnt feel bad with the feelings of it, although i was bullied a lot and i did sometimes cry and wish i had been born a girl, but all my life ive been different, i played with girls in primary schools, i was a loner in middle school because i was scared of how i would be treated, in my first year of high school i fell in love with a guy who i thought was gay, i dont know i guess when we want something so much and start to feel comfortable with ourselfes we think hey others feel the same way, i dunno something like that, although i have always heard a lot of jokes regarding gay people. I was outed in a bad way, had a lot of people posting and saying nasty things about me and from 2011 - 2014 it only got worse, with some very slight gaps were i managed to take it better, depended on wheather people would bully me or not. I had some friends who still are my friends but they have no idea i am gay and are all girls. Ive even considered suicide in the past because of the bullying . I feel so ashamed my mother knows people called me gay, but now here is a situation i really need help with... self acceptance, ive always been able to accept myself, ok i am not openly open about my orientation but id walk anyways in high school and try to just get through it... although various parents were called in because of bullying and that made things worse

Im in a new class this year, because i failed last year a subject, so i am retaking it, and so far ive been trying to get along with most of them, me and 2 friends of mine are together in the same class and since the others all have known each other for 3 years they are all a tight group, but there is this one guy who i think heard rumours of me being gay anyways he seems uncomfortable around me, and this really gets to me, i am me. i dont want to been seen as the gay kid or the weird kid if this makes sense, i hate these labels... i cant even look at myself in the mirror properly, or i will force myself too, i suffer from anxiety and also now depressive thoughts. I need some advice please. Because some of them in my class are super nice to me and he isnt rude, but he sometimes looks at me with a smirk as if to say "your different" and i duel on this all day, I want to just get along with everyone and be comfortable with myself. I dont feel comfortable, like ill tell myself there isnt anything wrong with me, but then i think about them in my class, there were people in my past classes that didnt like me just because i am gay... Here is how gay i act

1-To know i am gay without hearing rumors is almost impossible i think, my voice seems shy usually in class (not when talking to students) but its not exactly feminine because theres at least 2 boys in my class that have much more feminine voices... but i dont know how to explain it... they are more ..cold?

2 - I only speak to other girls... this isnt a choice, its because my friends are all girls, i miss having male friends, in fact sometimes i even question if i ever had any. I do this because i feel more comfortable around my friends, but in general i dont feel more comfortable around girls. I Feel comfortable around whoever is comfortable around me.

Please help me guys, i want to get along with these people i dont wanna be the weird kid again i am questioning a lot of things in myself. I want to be able to talk to them, i dont want my life to be "he is weird" i sometimes get depressive, REALLY depressive thoughts, like yesterday scared they were all talking about me, i went for long walks and cried a lot questioning if i should life. I have friends but not many and i want more, i want to be "normal" ... cant my orientation just stay with me. it shouldnt define me

btw i am 19