I finally did it. I told my mom I'm questioning my sexuality, I don't know if I'm bisexual or a total lesbian, but I'm definitely more attracted to women. She put her blanket on her head several times, and would not look at me, and she cried as well.I really regret telling her, even though I thought I would get some support at least from her, as I feel totally alone and helpless... Her reactions: Why did you have to tell me? Don't you know that I have too many problems? Why didn't you tell some of your friends instead? -Because this has been bothering me for years, and I feel like I can't live my life if I don't tell you. (at 22, I think it's not really too early to tell....) She also told me that if I had a girlfriend or something, she'd understand that I tell her, but the fact that I'm single and never had neither a girlfriend nor a boyfriend makes my coming out to her unnecessary. What other terrible tragedy, horrible thing is going to happen to me, why do I deserve this? -(she was saying this about herself, which was shocking, as you would expect that at least she's sorry for me, but no...) I'm the one to blame, I should have raised you in a way that you find "the right way". -I asked her if she thinks this is not the right way as I explained it to her patiently that I think that this is not a wrong thing, and I'm okay with myself. But shockingly, she does not care about that. No one wants this for their child. People should not go to Pride, why do they promote this? The other side could promote themselves, too. Lesbian women make me sick, I'm disgusted by what they're doing. Right now I feel so ashamed of myself. We still live together, and all my life her opinion has been the most important thing for me. I rejected myself for such a long time, I never thought telling anybody was an option until about 1-2 years ago, when I realized there's no reason to feel so anxious and dishonest about my identity. For the past few months, however, I really felt like I needed to talk to someone, and I trust her so much, that there's nothing that could have hurt me more than these words. I told her that I would love to talk more about this, as I don't really have anyone to tell, and I would want to change her understanding of LGBT people, but she's told me repeatedly that she does not want to hear about it. I regret I told her, I feel guilty. I thought I've made the right decision, but here I am, feeling more alone and hopeless than ever. I feel like she offended me in so many ways that I can't even put it into words. She's not even religious, just absolutely homophobic, I guess.
(*hug*)If I were there sitting with you right now, I would give you a big hug! You were very brave for talking to her. Let her take some time digesting the information. She sounds like she is internalizing the news and being a bit selfish rather than considering your feelings. You were strong to come out to her, now be strong and give her some space.
Thanks, that's really kind of you. I just started to feel so selfish, maybe she's right, and I could've held it in longer. I'm afraid that I will get more depressed now that she knows, because I suddenly started to see how disgusting I am from her point of view, and I'm sorry that she's so disappointed, because I wanted to make her happy, and now she knows that her only daughter is just a freak. Will I get better? Because before this, I had felt comfortable enough...
Don't think like that, be confident in yourself and live your life the way you want to and not for her. Message me if you ever want a friendly talk!
I know it's very hard for you to deal with this reaction from your Mom, but try to take a deep breath and understand that she needs time to process what you have told her. It's a lot to take in and accept in one go and it might take her some time to work through her feelings about it. She said some hurtful things in the heat of the moment and I'm really sorry for that, but her opinion may change after she has had time to get over the initial shock. Take a look at this information as it may help you to understand where your Mom is emotionally: Empty Closets - Parent and Family Stages of Grief It may help your Mom to know about the support available from organisations like PFLAG too. Search for them online and leave the contact details for your Mom so she can check it out for herself, when she is ready. Just try to remember how long it took for you to come to terms with who you are. I'm guessing it's been quite a journey for you. Well, it's also quite a journey for parents and family members.. it often takes them time too and we need to be prepared for that, even if it is hard for us. Try to be brave and remain positive. I know that's easier said than done, but if your Mom sees that you are upset, angry or depressed it may lead her to believe that you are unhappy about being gay or bisexual and it will make it more difficult for her to accept things. If you demonstrate a more confident outlook it may help her come through this a lot quicker. If you are struggling though, come back here and share it with us for as long as you need. We are here for you. (*hug*)
Just be true to yourself. Don't let anyone make you feel like you're wrong for being who you are. I'm sorry that your mom can't understand that :/ Stay strong girl *hugs*
Thanks guys I agree, I need to pull myself together and show her that I'm absolutely comfortable with who I am. What's stopped me from joining any organisation or contacting any LGBT person near me for such a long time was a fear of what she would say if she knew this about me. She's always imagined me as a good little girl, almost sort of asexual in the sense that she would NEVER want to discuss any kind of love interest of mine, and would never want to hear about it (even though she had no clue I'm queer). I've been playing this role faithfully, I reckon that my goal has been to please her, but now I feel ready to separate myself. Ultimately, I know that what she wants to see is that I'm relaxed and happy with my life, although I'm almost completely sure that she will never bring up the topic again, and won't ever be interested in my future relationships. But that's something I can't change, and will try and accept.
I attribute it to the fact that she needs to mourn and let go of the idea of an illusion she has constructed of me, I hope she'll understand why I had to tell her. :/
Hi patternsofpetal, do not feel disheartened about the outcome of coming out. You have done your part on coming out. try other ways to make your mother proud of you. are you studying currently? do well in your studies and make her proud. i really hope she will accept you for who you are
I've basically been an overachiever my whole life in my studies. I think my queerness has contributed to that: you're in a marginalized position, experiencing life from a different angle than usual. You see the hypocrisy and the normalizing force of society, you want to prove that you fit in... Good girl, smart girl: now that's an image I've probably destroyed now. As I've mentioned before, for a long time I've felt we have a close connection, but now I'm kind of questioning that, too, which is sad, but I guess I'm old enough to make my own decisions, and I'm coping with that right now. I do have my passions and goals, and I've never done anything that could make her unhappy, I think. My honesty is again, something she could appreciate in me instead of leaving me alone with my troubled feelings. But I'll get over it, and will probably look for some support soon in my local LGBT community, too. Thanks again for your encouragement!
