I’m currently thinking about coming out. In fact I’ve been thinking about it for quite some time. The main motivation would be to get my parents off my back. For years now they’ve constantly been nagging me about finding a girl to marry and have children with. Things got a lot worse after my sister had her first child 18 months ago. My main problem is that I’m still not sure myself what I am : bisexual, asexual, an extremely repressed homosexual – who knows ? But after so many years thinking about this, I don’t know if I’ll ever find a definitive answer. So I guess my question is : would coming out as “confused” be a good idea. Obviously my parents know something not quite normal, as at 26 I’ve never had a steady girl friend. Whenever I’m back home and the subject comes up they remind me that people that don’t get married and procreate are “a worthless burden on society”, which btw is also the main reasons “homosexuality is so wrong”. Deep down I guess they know that I’m going to turn out “normal” and may be trying to deny that fact. They fix me up on blind dates with daughter’s of their acquaintances at random cocktail parties – really blind : they don’t tell I’ll be having date before we get to the party – which of course never works out. If society wasn’t so incredibly normative about what you should do and when, I wouldn’t feel any need to come out at all. If I turn out to be asexual and meet a girl then it’s really no-one else's business, and if I meet a guy, then I can come out when that happens. I guess the question is : will telling them now that I’m “not-straight” get me anywhere ? Will it make them face the fact that I may not find a wife, or will coming out as “not completely straight” just make them go into hypermode pressuring me to “settle down and marry” ? And ideas ?
Yes tell them two reasons: A) It is a lot of wait off your shoulders B) Less upsetting when you dont get on with girls.
I actually don't think you should say anything until you have a better idea what you are.If you come out as a homosexual and then two years down the reoad realized that you are asexual,that will confuse and upset your parents more than it would have had you kept silent.Besides 26 is not that old to not be married and have kids. I think it would be more upsetting to tell them now because you don't know what you even want.
Obviously I couldn't do that. I'd have to come out as confused, telling them that I'm not sure, etc. etc. Result : Best case : They give me more space. Worst case : They increase the pressure to find a girl friend. The problem at the moment is that I am really fed up with the current situation. I'm probably somewhere between bisexual and asexual, so either I'm an asexual seeking romance with either gender or a bisexual with a very low sex drive. Sex as such doesn't really frighten or disgust me, I just don't see myself doing it on a continuous basis in a relationship without feeling that "attraction" that everyone is talking about. If they weren't constantly pushing me, I wouldn't even be thinking of coming out. But the constant stream of remarks, innuendos and pressure are really starting to get to me. I feel as though I’m between a rock and hard place : keep quiet and continue to bear the pressure or come out and likely suffer even more…. :icon_sad:
No one can tell you what to do.All we can do is offer advice.Comming out slowly has seemed to be the best approach for myself as well as several other people who I have spoken to.You could try writing them a letter and letting them know that you are confused,but you had to be honest with them to keep the line of communication going.Tell them how their remarks make you feel and why they make you feel the way they do.
The fact that you're questioning and hoping to figure yourself out is a great thing. The fact that you still don't know at 26 isn't a big deal - so don't let anyone else make you feel that it is. Life isn't a race. I didn't figure it out til I was 35 - and in the mean time I had 'conformed' and got married with a couple of kids. Talk about messy and painful for everyone involved! I guess I have trouble relating - because my parents NEVER said anything like that to me. If I were you, I'd just make it very clear to them that you are your own person, and your life will evolve as it is meant to - and not necessarily at a pace that suits them. Ask them politely and respectfully to mind their own business. AND I would certainly be telling them that their comments about being a worthless burden on society are inaccurate and very hurtful, and if they can't be more polite then you'll spend time with people who can be. And follow through with that. Get up and leave the next time they make that kind of comment - and maybe they'll think twice the next time. So while life isn't a race, it's also too short to be surrounded by negative, narrow minded people - even if they are your parents. Do what you can to move on, build your own relationships, and look to figure yourself out. Not sure what the ideal path is, but if you want to run things by me, feel free!
Coming out may be the hardest thing you ever do.Second only to accepting yourself for who you are.I know there are some wonderful,intelligent people here that will help you all they can,if you let them.It also may be beneficial to get some reading material ( maybe from PFLAG) to help you in the process of self-discovery. There are many other sites available (google gay life) that may help,also.I wish you the best of luck and remember...we are all here for you. Mickey
Hello there! I am not sure if coming out to your parents when you are still questioning your sexual identity is a good idea. Although my experience is different, reading through your post I think it would be good if you figure your sexual identity out first. Being secure about your own sexual identity will allow you to speak with your parents about something that is a lot more concrete than it is right now. Whatever feelings or leanings you have after your self discovery (for the lack of a better term), you will have something that you can point to, and can say this is who I am and I know who I am. I think before coming out to your parents, you want to make sure that you know it, which is actually the most important thing here. Yes, it can take a while in figuring it out but it sounds like that you have started to get there. Knowing what your sexual identity is, might also allow you to prepare yourself a lot better for possible reactions from your parents. Also, coming out to friends first and building the all important support network around you will (again) allow you to become a lot more securer about yourself and comfortable. Having that support network around you is an important 'step' (I think) before you come out to your parents. Knowing that you have support around you can help you in coming out to your parents. There are things you can do to help you in figuring your sexual identity out. Talk about your feelings and the changes in your feelings. Related to that, try to meet people of the GLBT community and talk to/with them about your and their experiences. From my experience and what I have learned, listening to others' experiences, allowed me to put my experience in a much better context which helped me to connect ends that never really seemed to fit together. This in turn allowed me to become a lot more securer and comfortable about myself and about my feelings. Another option that might be worthwhile to look into is maybe try making a few appointments with a counselor or therapists. I think in an earlier post you mentioned that so far you didn't have a lot of luck finding someone who could give you some insights or understand you. Maybe try someone else. There are counselors/therapists you specialize in homosexuality and GLBT issues. It might be worthwhile if you try finding a counselor who specializes in that. You have also raised a few points about how your parents might react, namely trying to pressure you into something which you might not be. Although no one can give you an answer to that aspect as we do not know your parents, but if this would be the case, it certainly would not be fair on you nor on your girlfriend. In some ways that would set you up for perhaps even more emotional stress and confusion down the road. Given that you are questioning your sexual identity, I think it would be good if you avoid any situations that could lead you to become even more confused and worried. If it is any help, I'm 31 and have started to talk about my feelings openly only about six months ago. There are times when my parents ask whether or not a girl is on the horizon as there are some "family pressures" as all of my cousins are either married or in a committed relationship and I think my parents (in particular my mom) feel left out. My response thus far has always been the "too busy" response. For myself, I always felt that I needed to figure it out first and feel comfortable with myself before even entertaining how to come out to my parents (and btw, I am still not out to them). If you are getting fed up with the remarks from your parents or other family members, you could just say I just haven't found the right person yet or I am too busy at work right now, and just leave it at that. Talk to them and just let them know that you want to live your life your way. Although your parents might suspect something, I do think it is important that you feel ready and comfortable with yourself before you tell them. Telling them just so that they don't ask you about a girlfriend or set you up with someone, might not solve anything (as you have hinted at it as well) Hang out on EC for a while. Post as much as you need to post. Ask questions, ask for opinions from others on here. Talk to others about their experiences. Maybe this will help you a bit as well. Sure it will take some time but I think it will help you in figuring things out, which is your ultimate goal. Take the time you need. I hope this helps a bit.
You may not be sure about your sexuality but one thing is for sure........your parents are driving you freakin' nuts! You need to tell them to lay off and quit pressuring you to do something that you clearly are not ready for. Tell them today.
