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Problems with indecision.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Gumtree, Oct 16, 2008.

  1. Gumtree

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    Hey all!

    As much as it irks me to have to ask for advice, I feel I need an outsider's opinion.

    Some of you might remember a few months ago I made a post related to coming out to my father; in the post I explained a lot about my life and where I was at with myself.

    To put it briefly I was considerably unhappy. Although I was out to everyone I having a rather hard time at school, home and personally.

    Well for a while things improved, the hype of it died down and people somewhat got over it, thus I stopped losing friends because they stopped receiving abuse that was ultimately directed at me.

    But the past 1-2 months things have gone downhill drastically. Lately I have begun to see the true nature of a lot of males that use to be close to me, or at least neutral. I have quite a few really good friends that stand up for me A LOT despite the amount of abuse they receive because of me... well use to, lately they have been backing down a lot and avoiding me all together, bullying has been a big problem for me and although I have always considered myself a strong and assertive person; lately it has really been bringing me down. Lately things have gotten to the extent of physical harassment and unlike before, I have had to face things off by myself, not with friends at my side.

    Before you jump to conclusions I would like to point out that yes, I have followed an appropriate course of action, my class room teachers have been made aware of my situation, as well as the welfare managers, school counsellor and principal. I see all of them frequently on the matter but no action is ever taken. In a sense I understand why, the staff would be fighting a losing battle on my behalf if they took action; although I still don't believe this justifies them.

    I have also been on the receiving end of homophobia by my teachers at school, whilst it may seem I am being overdramatic I feel I am being realistic when I say that there is nothing left they could say to me, I have heard every gay slag and insult there is in the book from them (my teachers), I have suffered unjustified isolation and prejudice in the forms of work allocation and discipline etc etc.

    And yes, I have followed appropriate action through the legal system in an attempt the thwart this aswel, but it feels that I am fighting a losing battle in that aswel.

    I try hard to stay strong, distract myself and dedicate myself to my grades (I still excel academically at school) but I find my resolve slipping gradually, I feel that I will not have the will power to continue this much longer.

    One of the hardest parts is my roll in school leadership, I was in the past what some would consider rather popular and managed to get voted into the comity. A lot of my responsibility includes public speaking within my school, lately every time I am required to speak (I try to get out of it as much as I can now) I find my whole year laughing at me and snickering. But still I am made to speak and cannot withdraw from the position.
    Home life is no better as of late.

    I find myself in a sense; living at home alone. My parents have separated and my siblings have all left home. I live with my father whom works from dusk til dawn 6 days a week. Sunday he sleeps or is on the computer. He provides me with what he deems a necessity of what I ask from him and that is it. Since coming out to him he hasn't been able to look me in the eye, he refuses to talk about the subject altogether (and it's been almost a year since I came out to him). He will not communicate with me about 'anything' unless he is openly expressing his opinion on how much of a disappointment I am to him.

    My mother is no support whatsoever; in fact I do not even know where she is. Despite her stable upbringing, numerous degree's and high powered career successes she has lost the plot. She has left home, cross to the wrong side of the law and is under the influence of something illegal constantly, disappearing for months at a time without a word to anyone.

    My final problem is loneliness, yes I have had lots of great friends, some people would have considered me rather popular in the past, I have even had successful long term relationships, but it seems to all be at an end. I feel that I am constantly an outsider, most of my friends have left my side due to the difficulty connected with being associated with me, I am the only homosexual (male or female) in my highschool of 800 (only highschool in this district). There use to be quite a few, many of them good friends of mine, but all of them have packed up and moved away due to the way they were treated in this area.

    There are no GSA, PFLAG, GBLT meeting or anything in this town or any town nearby I'm afraid, infact there aren't any GBL friendly events/avenues advertised at all :frowning2: it seems I am somewhat secluded.

    I find myself friendless, parentless and loveless at home, school and within myself. I do not suffer from depression regularly, sometimes I feel very down and can't help but cry, but normally I just feel numb and/or defeated.

    But right now, the problem is indecision. Some of you might remember from my previous post that I was in contact with my eldest brother whom lives in one of the Australian capitals. His offer of support, a home and something closer to a parent still stands; and is so very tempting, but I find myself unable to make the move.

    My father will not let me leave, despite the fact we fight every time I try to get him to talk somehow I know he still loves me, and although I do not appreciate his ever present cold shoulder and hot temper, I still love him.

    I have 2 more years left before I finish school here and every week seems to get worse then the last.

    Despite all these factors and my very sinister perception of my future here, I still cannot make the decision to move. Deciding to leave and understanding the costs involved is hard, but deciding to stay and live this life is just as hard. It seems a lose lose situation.

    I guess I suffer from severe optimism, I can't seem to help but ignore the fact that life in almost every aspect is getting worse and harder by the day, and think that there is hope the views and opinions of my peers, teachers, my friends parents and even my own parents would change.

    I also fear what moving would do to my father, I work so hard to try and break the barrier between us but he just dopes himself up more and the distance between us grows. I still know that leaving home now would hurt him a lot and me too. When I was young and I saw movies where mature adult men didn't talk to their father's, did not respect them and did not have them in their lives, I always thought to myself that I would never be in that situation, I would always have the relationship with my father that I do now, but now I find myself having to make a decision that could well go against that.

    I sincerely don't know what to do.

    Perhaps I'm being mellow dramatic, I don't know. I need someone else’s opinion, someone that isn't biased by my optimism, hope and in other senses negativity and sinicism.

    I apologise for the length of this post, when I decided to write this I planned on it being just a few short parragraphs, boy was I wrong! :slight_smile:

    Thank you to everyone who reads this.

    Sorry if it’s hard to follow, and for the grammar/spelling mistakes.

    Regards
    Gumtree.
     
    #1 Gumtree, Oct 16, 2008
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2008
  2. george678

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    No problems a while to read but i think you could stay where you are because you do not see your father much.
    Ask him if he has a problem with you?
     
  3. Vector

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    It really sounds like things aren't working for you in your current situation (an understatement if ever there was one). I know you don't want to hurt your father, but you do need to consider your own wellbeing.

    Taking into account your father's social life and the networking that he engages in, does he have friends or other family close by that he talks to and socialises with on a daily basis? If he has a reasonable social network then I would be inclined to consider him less in this decision you're trying to make. If, however, all he does is work and come home to you, then leaving him could have somewhat disasterous consequences to his mental health.

    It may be a difficult thing to achieve, but you really need to talk to your father about your situation. You need to explain the things you've outlined here - the difficulties at school, the isolation, and the abuse from multiple sources. You need to make it clear that it IS affecting your health, and you need to do something about it. The most important thing you need to convey is that by staying in the situation you're in, you're being driven into depression and isolation, and you can't live your life that way.

    It's a wonderful thing that you're considering your father so much in this decision, but in the end, you need to live your life for you... There's no point in being dragged down.

    From what you've said, I would highly reccomend trying to make that move, but take into account that I don't know you and I'm not living your life, so I can only go by what you've mentioned.

    I hope it works out for you! (*hug*)

    ---

    PS: There wouldn't be a chance of convincing your father to move with you...? You get a better environment, you're still together with your father, ...
     
  4. george678

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    I know how hard it is. If you need :help: Come and say.(*hug*)
     
  5. Fiorino

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    To me, it sounds like your situation isn't working, or isn't
    going to much longer, so I agree with Vector, you need
    to try to change it. Try talking to your Dad, but if it
    doesn't work, then do what's best for you.

    And we're always here for you if you need to talk,
    I'm just a PM away (*hug*)
     
  6. Gumtree

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    I have tried on many many occasions to to get him to tell me what the problem is, what is going on with him, to get help or whatnot but he refuses to listen. I can't talk to him about 'anything'.

    This is more along the lines of what I was thinking - he has friends at his work but he never see's them out of the wookplace. My uncle comes to visits occasionally in an attempt to convince my dad to do something, get help or whatever but they end up fighting and he leaves.


    Thank you to everyone who replied, much appreciated ^^
     
  7. george678

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    No problems.
     
  8. Mikeyy

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    Well, it's great that you're putting this stuff out there, it's not good to bottle it up.

    With your peers' current views on sexuality as they are, my suggestion is that you follow your gay friends and move somewhere else if it's feasible... maybe Sydney. No problems with gay people there :slight_smile:

    Of course, that's probably not an option.

    If you feel you're being treated unfairly by the staff at your school, report them to a higher authority.

    I also suggest you sit down and have a serious talk with your mum and dad... try and get her when she's not under the influence of anything. You may want someone to mediate this conversation, like a relative, or a family friend?

    Well that's my 2 cents.
     
  9. beckyg

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    I came here to Support and Advice to post about my own petty problem. GumTree, your post put mine into perspective. You are dealing with so much. (*hug*)

    Vector gave you some very good advice. I really do think you need to talk to your Dad about the seriousness of all this. Demand his attention! Then lay it all out and tell him what you have been feeling and going through at school. Tell him you need his help and if he can't be supportive to you then you want to go live with your brother.

    Sometimes we parents forget how much our kids need us as you grow older. Maybe your Dad really needs a reminder. Talk to him!
     
  10. NuthinButLuv

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    My heart really goes out to you GumTree. You are in a tough situation that I don't think I could handle as well as you have. The people above have given you some great advice.

    The only thing I'll add is to please keep in mind that even though you love your family, sometimes you have to take care of yourself first, and then worry about them. If you can't talk to your dad, maybe write a letter to him, but communicate to him in some way the seriousness of what is going on and how it's affecting you.
     
  11. Gumtree

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    Thanks again for all the replies!


    BeckyG

    Mikeyy
    Hey thanks for the replies, unfortunately the extremeity of the situation doesn't seem to have any effect on my fathers resolve, despite all my attempts to convince him it's not my fault (Although I have stated in this post that I have great difficult communicating with my dad, I have infact told him everything I said here, and in many different ways.) He still believes that I brought this on myself. He doesn't approve of me moving away but refuses to move himself or to get involved with me.

    I'm afraid I have no clue as to when I will see my mother again, as of yet I am still to discover where on earth she has been for the past few months, and is now.

    She is also really hard to communicate, while she does care and sympathises for me, she has been diagnosed recently with Dimensia and is constantly stoned. She can be so frustrating to communicate with, if she managed to hear you, she either can't understand, forgets what you have said a minute later or my personal favourite; shrugs it off with a "That's nice dear".
     
  12. musican

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    thats ridiculous, if youre having a problem, your dad should realize that moving might be best for you. and if he wants to live with you then he should move with you if possible. if i were your dad i might be upset that you want to leave and you feel it would be best for you, but i would be glad that you talked to me about it. i would be greatful that you were mature and talked to me about it instead of running away. that wont help much. my advice is to do your best to communicate with him, it might just get through to him one day. good luck and remember were all here to support you if you need it.
     
  13. Gumtree

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    Sorry to bring the thread back up but I would like to say that I have decided that I am going to attempt the move.

    The last few days of school since I originally posted this have been absolutely terrible. I managed to get bashed, told the counsellor will no longer see me and have my bag including its contents destroyed. I was not able to find anyone willing to take action on the matter.

    This is all intolerable, thus I am leaving. I will see the SRC co-ordinator tomorrow to hand in my badge and my year advisors to say I'm signing out as soon as my exams are finished.

    Hopefully this breakthrough will allow me to sleep a bit better, I have been living of 3-4 hours sleep a night the past few weeks, it's starting to really wear me out.


    Regards
    Gumtree.
     
    #13 Gumtree, Oct 21, 2008
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2008
  14. Fiorino

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    I really hope things get better for you now,
    I think you made the right decision.
    We're here for you
    (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)