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We were dating while he was in the closet

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by acoop2290, Dec 16, 2014.

  1. acoop2290

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    We met a few months ago. I just was going to be his friend. But, we both couldn't deny the connection we felt. Well, he is 23 and not out. I didn't care. However, he was so scared and fearful. He kept always saying he didn't think he was ready. I could usually calm him down, just by being in his presence. He over thinks everything. No one knows he is gay, he constantly wants to come out and then backs down. Well, everything was well with us, however, he let that voice saying he wasn't ready win. We are still friends, I am only the one who knows about him. I just hate to see a good thing go to waste because he is letting his doubt win. He is letting his fear win. I don't know what to do, aside be there as a friend. I am trying to be strong for the both of us. It took a lot of strength for him to break up with me. It just shows how badly he is struggling with coming to terms with who he is. We never even had sex or stayed the night with each other. We were taking everything slow, as I figured we should. I have never met anyone in the closet so afraid to come out.... I know he is struggling..what should I do?!
     
  2. Glalie

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    Be there for him. That's really all you can do. Be there, encourage him, and let him know that there's nothing wrong with who he is. He has to decide when is the right time to come out, and you shouldn't push him to do so. This is an internal struggle, and he'll first have to accept himself for who he is, and the only way you can help is with encouragement.
     
  3. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    He is so lucky to have you as a friend. You are being present to him, and yet you are not being pushy or selfish. It must be reassuring to him to know that someone cares. It is so lonely being in the closet. I speak from experience. There is nothing you can do to make him take the leap, and you can't do it for him. but assuring him of your continuing love and friendship is a tremendous gift. I hope that he figures it out sooner rather than later, and gets the courage he needs.
     
  4. acoop2290

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    I never have pushed him to do anything he doesn't want to. I have told him countless times that he has to be the one to come out. I can't force him. He has to do it on his own terms. he tells me he is waiting for the right moment. i told him honestly, there is no right moment. He is dealing with it way harder than I have ever seen someone deal with it. he accepts the fact that he is gay. but, he is just lives in fear of coming out. Scared his family won't like him, nor his friends. Our relationship was going really well. I mean i had to cradle him a bit. But, I let him be the one to kiss me. I let him hold my hand and never did anything he didn't want to do. We never even had sex. On two occasions I did go down on him, but he kept over thinking everything, that he couldn't even get off. I know, now, that I can't expect him to be with me. But, it is just sad because I saw the potential, when he wasn't killing himself by over thinking everything.

    I am going to continue being friends with him. Keep being positive and continue to have a dialogue. Especially because I am the only one who knows he is gay (Aside from a few of my friends). But, I myself and struggling with wanting that relationship back. I won't cross any lines...but...should I be worried that he is going to ditch all the progress he has made with me? Or is it a good step/ sign that he took the initiative to decide he isn't ready for a relationship? I just asked him is he accepts who he is, as a gay male and he said he doesn't. So I guess he wasn;t comfortable with us together because he isn;t comfortable with himself.
     
  5. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    you are so right that unless he gets comfortable with himself, he will never be comfortable with anybody. and that isn't limited to the romantic relationship, it will affect all his relationships. should you be worried that he will ditch the progress he made with you? well, he might ditch the progress. but there is no point in worrying about something that is no under your control. he may not be ready for a relationship, even if he does accept who he is. It seems like he is going through an exceptionally difficult period, and could benefit from some professional therapy. there is a limit to how much you can do as a friend, especially if you feel romantic or sexual interest in him. (&&&)
     
  6. acoop2290

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    You don't know the type of person I am. I am fully committed to those around me. I can put aside my own interests. I just want to help him. He hasn't done much research. But, I am talking with him right now and he seems to be interested in some of the stuff we are talking about. I want to invite him to a support group. i doubt he will ever see a therapist. But, I am going to talk to some of the local LGBT places and see what they would think. It kills me more to see him in this difficult time and I feel so selfish for ever starting a romantic relationship..but I didn't know how deep into all this he was.
     
  7. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    yes, I could tell that you are fully committed to this friend. he is lucky to have you at his side. If he'll go to a support group, that would be good. do you think he might get something out of EC?
     
  8. acoop2290

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    Yeah, I mean I sent him a link to the site. Mainly the stages of coming out section. He said he would go with me to a support group...but he thinks it would be weird. He always says that. He is so unsure about all this stuff. I just want to help him and part of me is scared that I can't.
     
  9. Glalie

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    Sounds like you're an awesome friend. Keep doing what you're doing! Even if he thinks a support group will be weird, it'll be good for him to talk to other people who have been or are in similar situations to his. This forum might be able to help, too. Sometimes it just takes a little support to show people that even though these situations can be terrifying, they can work out for the better! Keep trying! It may take a while, but he'll be better for your support. (*hug*)
     
  10. acoop2290

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    Thank you guys so much! I am trying to be understanding. I mean i was terrified before I came out. However, I had a gay friend when I was going through all this, she helped me through a lot. It also helped that on my mom's side, one of my uncle's is gay (parents are separated). I had the support of many friends before I came out to my family. But, he doesn't have that. i had a group of people, who had my back, no matter what. He has always known in the back of his mind that he was gay. But, he told me that a year ago he thought he was just going to spend his life without coming out and be alone. So, where he is now, compared to then is big progress. I understand the process is different from person to person. The acceptance part for him is the hardest. He has said he is gay to me and I could tell it was relieving. But, I already knew he was. haha Obviously, I was dating him. But, what are some things I can do to help him be comfortable with who he is. i know it is his own internal struggle, but there has to be something I can do or say?
     
  11. Wildside

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    In a direct way, it is hard for us to change how someone else feels. and yeah, that is frustrating. but you are giving him opportunities to see the world through different eyes, a different perspective, and eventually he may come to feel more comfortable with who is he. I hope that he actually takes advantage of the link to EC that you sent him. It certainly has made me more comfortable about who I am. but you know the old saying about how you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. And the other really encouraging thing is that he is willing to go to groups with you. as far as him feeling like it will be weird, well, I guess in an objective sense it is a little weird when you think about it. but a lot of things that actually do work really are a little weird. how does sitting around with a bunch of other people, all of us telling our problems, make a difference? well, honestly, I can't say HOW it words. but I can say that it DOES work. Can you make him open and receptive when he goes? not really. but the fact that he is willing to go says that there has to be some willingness. and just as important, it says that he trusts you enough to do something "weird" because you think it will help him. (&&&)
     
  12. acoop2290

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    I hope so. I love him and only want what is best for him. Obviously since i am willing to be his friend after breaking up... I'm going to do whatever i can to help, even if he doesn't end up with me. I'll be okay. I think.
     
  13. IWICCO

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    You are a really amazing friend! Know that you are doing well everything you can to help but he has to decide. If he actually makes it to the mwe tings and/or logs onto EC, I think it could be a turning point for hI'm.
     
  14. acoop2290

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    He logged on. I gave him a link to the steps of coming out. He said he thinks he is at step 2. He really liked what he read, he said. He thanks me all the time for being there for him. I should of been doing things like this when we first met. I thought being in the relationship would help him make steps...but i was overshadowed by my own selfish wants. So, now I can help without the interference of the relationship. He said he would go to a meeting with me. So, that makes me happy. I also want him to meet a friend of mine who is jsut so wise and she helped me come out when I was dealing with this.
     
  15. Wildside

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    Hooray!!! (!) That is all such great news. It is an exciting new chapter in this thread. Hey, what are the steps of coming out that you refer to? can they be found somewhere on the web?
     
  16. Munyal

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    You are doing an amazing job! You're a true friend. Good luck to you and your friend! :slight_smile:
     
  17. IWICCO

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    Again, my hat is off to you! I want a friend like you! :eusa_clap
     
  18. acoop2290

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    I am referring to the steps of coming out on this website. It is under resources then coming out and stages...I think lol...

    Thanks guys, it means a lot to me to have support. He told me he needs to read more into some of this stuff. Is it selfish of me to have hopes that we can get back together when things start to feel right for him? I am all for being friends, but, I know what connection we had and I know it was ruined because of how uncomfortable he was and all of his over thinking cause him to think he wasn't ready. He thought he was hurting me by not being out, when I told him I was completely fine with the situation. Anyways, he told me I shouldn't wait for him. I don't know if he was putting me down nicely...but he said the real reason he broke things off was because he didn't think he was ready for a relationship.
     
  19. Wildside

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    Thanks, acoop! I missed that whole resources section. There was probably something about that in the first email I got from EC, but I was just trying to figure out how to navigate the threads. That's fantastic. I looked through those steps and could identify so much of it with my own journey. I hope that your friend found that it helped him to "compare in" rather than "compare out". :smilewave
     
  20. Glalie

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    I don't think it's selfish to have hope for that. But you do have to be careful that you don't put him in a situation that he's uncomfortable with. You have to give him the time to be comfortable with everything that he's dealing with at the moment before you start any talk of relationship with him. It sounds to me like he cares for you as you do for him, so he may be telling you not to wait, because he doesn't want you to be alone and pining away for him. As with the rest of his situation, you just have to wait for him to be ready. (*hug*)