I have an OCD obsession with my sexuality(HOCD). I feel the most comfortable identifying as gay, but I get invasive and obsessive thoughts about not being gay. I also want to come out. I'm not sure if that's because I'm sick of living a lie or my OCD. It makes me feel uncomfortable when people assume I'm straight. It also makes my OCD symptoms worse. I start wondering if they know something I don't, even though I know it's nothing personal. I'm getting so sick of this OCD loop. OCD is keeping me in the closet, but being in the closet makes my OCD worse. I've tried coming out as questioning/bi. That made my OCD symptoms worse as well. It seems like everything I do just makes my symptoms worse. I live in the middle of nowhere so no therapist really understands OCD or even LGBT people. Most of the therapists just thought I was questioning. :bang::bang::bang:
I can't really help with the OCD side of things, and if therapists are properly trained they WILL understand OCD even if they are not necessarily LGBT aware. So don't assume that therapy wouldn't be of some help. But you ARE out. You are out to yourself. You are out to the people on here. You are most comfortable defining as gay right now - so that's where you're at. The doubts you experience are all part of coming to terms with yourself and acceptance. Your gut instinct will tell you where your true inclinations lie, if you allow yourself the mindspace to allow it to be heard. So what remains now is for you to continue to work on accepting yourself first and foremost. Look in the mirror, and say to yourself "I'm gay". Look right at your eyes. Are your eyes just the same as they were? You might be gay, but your eyes are still your eyes. Your brain is still your brain. You just found a piece of yourself that needed to find a home in you. That's all it is. The new piece settling into place. Time and self-care will give you the eventual self-acceptance you need to find before coming out to people closest to you. Definitely don't write off the therapy though, a lot can be gained from just having someone to bounce the thoughts in your head off - it's their job to help you fix yourself up, not fix you themselves. The only person who can truly work out who you are is you. Therapists will help you along the route to find your answers but they are your answers and you are the one who will eventually provide them. X
