There's probably a million threads like this so sorry. I am bisexual and have been hiding it for years from absolutely everybody. It took me 6 years between starting to question my sexuality and finally getting sick of hiding and really wanting to come out. I've come out to 4 people total so far, all good friends of mine, with mixed results. Most have been pretty great, thankfully, but my best friend of 10 years has been having trouble with it. I think she has this idea that it's a choice I made that she just doesn't agree with. Which has made things hard and seriously shaken my confidence in wanting to come out to my family. I can't stand hiding from my family anymore. All I can think about is coming out to them. And I think that for the most part they'll be fine but I'm pretty sure it'll be really rocky initially. They're pretty accepting and supportive of LGBT rights and all that but we don't have anybody else in our family who's gay/bi/whatever and I don't think they've really ever known anybody who is so I think it'll be weird for them. I know at least a couple close relatives will try to 'talk me out of it'. But I feel like I can't breathe around them anymore. Every time I try to talk about anything it's like it just gets caught in my throat because all I want to say is "I'm bisexual" but I'm so scared to. And on top of all of that, my parents are in the middle of a divorce and it's Christmas. Meaning lots of stress, financial stuff, relatives, etc. I don't want to add to that but this is killing me. So I guess what I'm asking is any advice on either my friend or family? She's been my absolute best friend for a decade and I can't stand the thought of losing her because of this. And I seriously feel like I'm going crazy around my family.
Hiya Ok - so you are prepared for a bit of a rocky time with family - that's good, because you'll understand a bit more if there are any tricky reactions when it happens and clearly understand that acceptance can take time, even in an LGBT supportive environment. I think the best place to start here would be not to worry about the whole family, but talk to one member, maybe your mum or dad, whoever you think would take you the most seriously and listen to you properly. Pick a quiet time when you are not likely to be disturbed for a while, and then maybe open with something like "I appreciate so much that you are going through a tough time with the divorce at the moment and I don't want what I am about to say to add to your burdens, but I need to be honest both with myself and with you, and so i just want to tell you..." - and try and treat it as no big deal. Even though right now it seems like it is, that is mostly because of the fear of anticipation you are experiencing because you don't yet know how they will react. Assuming they respond well, you can ask them advice on how to go about sharing with the rest of the family and hopefully they can then support you to do that. As for your best friend, what people do not comprehend can scare them, and you guys need to talk. If she's being distant with you, why not write her a letter, explain that it changes nothing as far as you are concerned between the two of you (this may reassure her if she's worried that you told her because you fancy her or something) and that you understand if she needs some time to get her head around this because whilst you have had six years to come to terms with yourself, she has not. Tell her that you will always be there for her whenever she wants to talk about it, and if she doesn't, that's ok too, you just wanted her to know all of you, and hoped for her support, but that it doesn't have to become a talking point, she knows now and that's all you really wanted. Then let her be for a little while and see what she does. Hopefully whatever issues she has with it will be allayed and she will realise that it really doesn't matter to her. But it may be that something about what you said has hit a raw nerve in her somewhere, whether that be a bit of internalised homophobia, or feelings of her own, or simply that her perception of you has shifted and she needs time to get her head round that and adjust it back again. You havent changed, you are still the same person, she might just need a little while to realise that. X
