My boyfriend won't come out...

You cannot force him to come out. However you can support him with all your might. You love him, thus you must accept the decision he makes, and if coming out is one of them all you can do is show your support.

Yes, you might feel as if he NEEDS to come out because you want people to know you guys love each other, but face the fact, if he doesn't come out you won't be happy, if he comes out, he won't be happy. You guys love each other and I understand it's hard to be a secret, but you must understand coming out is very VERY difficult.

Don't cut lose from him just because of that... Then it's not love, and honestly a very rude and low move. You can encourage him to come out, but as soon as you begin forcing him to, he'll grow depressed, so don't do that!

You both are struggling with issues, view both sides, talk about the pros/cons, and come to a conclusion. If it's his choice he's not ready, then he's not ready.

I wish the best of luck with you and your partner.

 

I would disagree with Erick on this one in some respects. If it was simply not being out to parents and living the rest of your lives as a genuine couple, all for that and I can understand it. But he is essentially putting you back in the closet. And he is also putting you in the uncomfortable position of forcing you to leave when he has people over - which also diminishes the respect for each other and the equality between the two of you.

You both should be happy and comfortable in the relationship as equal partners. If there is not mutual respect, then the relationship would be doomed to fail. In the first instance, try and set guidelines to maintain the mutual respect. If he is uncomfortable having people over, then he should not have people over. However, if the lack of equilibrium is not balanced, you might be better off drawing a line in the sand. Sometimes, you need to let go before you can love forever.

 

The obvious solution for you both here is to get a two bedroom place, and have your stuff mostly in one room so that he can tell his family that you are a friend/housemate. I'm not condoning for one second the position he's putting you in, but he is obviously very afraid to be himself at the moment and until he is, there is not a great deal you can do about it. There's a possibility that his depression and unhappiness are being fuelled by his internal struggle with himself to accept himself knowing that his family are likely to reject him.

At this stage, you are Okish with his situation and prepared to allow for it, which is good but you need to consciously not allow that to erode who you are. If as OTH says, it's a matter of putting on a face for visiting relatives and otherwise you live and love as a proper couple then it's a reasonable concession for you to make for him, but having you move out is unreasonable - he's treating you as a commodity and not as his loving partner.

Without wishing to generalise about religion or start a flame war, it has been in my experience, that gay people from a Catholic background seem to have a tougher time with self-acceptance because of the whole homosexuality is a sin thing - but I bet you if you could time travel back over the last few hundred years there would be a much higher than average incidence of gay men joining the priesthood because they were gay and felt like it was their only choice to be able to distance themselves from a society that didn't allow them to fit in.

What I'm trying to say is that religious convictions can be very deep rooted and difficult to shift, if his family has always been that way, he probably carries a lot of guilt about being different to them and that can lead to self-loathing and a very dysfunctional existence. I've seen this with my own eyes, the torment in a young mans face because he couldn't reconcile the person he was with the person he was told God insisted he be.

Fortunately the tide is slowly starting to turn in the Catholic Church but I think it could be several more generations before they really get it, and that doesn't help you now.

What you need to establish is how much of this you can reasonably cope with. If you can cope with being a secret, fine, but don't compromise yourself in the process. At some point, you may decide that actually, it's more important to you to be able to be free to be yourself all the time and this might result in an irreconcilable difference that you can't overcome - but his family only visits for a short time and if the rest of the time things are that of a normal loving couple then it's doable.

Definitely try and get him to a therapist though, he has a lot weighing him down and it will help him to not feel so alone with it all.

 

I think this is way too much. You can't build a healthy fulfilling life with someone who is ashamed of that life--I'm sorry, you just can't.

 

Try to explain to him that he will need to do it anyway, and it is better sooner than later. If he can't come out in a reasonable window of time, then I'm sorry, but this relationship is not going to work - living a secret relationship is unhealthy.

 

What I would do is try to sit down with him and tell him how You feel In a way he can't ignore. Because to be honest this sounds like a very unhealthy relationship and eventually a decision is going to have to be made.

 

Wow I wish my phone would let me pull multiple partial quotes

Ok first Erick said

"Don't cut lose from him just because of that... Then it's not love, and honestly a very rude and low move."

I have to disagree here let me grab another quick quote and I'll explain why.

TheAnswer said
"I feel my own personal well-being is being pushed aside in favour of his all the time, and he offers me no compromises to make it better. Basically for him, this is the situation - and I just have to put up with it."

This is exactly why I disagree with Erick. I know you love and care for him, but at some point you have to think about yourself too. You have been in this situation for 9 months now and you are obviously frustrated with it or you wouldn't have started this thread.

I know I didn't want anyone forcing me out of the closet and I really hate to recommend it, but I do think it's approaching time to give him an ultimatum. First start by talking to him and letting him know how the situation is making you feel. If he tries to interrupt you I really don't think telling him to shut up and let you talk for a minute is out of line (seriously you have frustrations and he NEEDS to know how you feel). Then you can let him talk to you. I would give him a reasonable time to work on coming out or you will be gone. (whatever you consider reasonable but I would recommend 3-4 months definitely under 6)
Don't demand that he come out to family but asking him to come out to a friend or two so that you don't feel like you are a dirty secret he is hiding and allowing you to live at least a little bit of a normal life is not out of the question.

Unfortunately if he refuses to do anything that would help you live a normal life then I would have to recommend moving on. You are frustrated after 9 months do you think you could take the same situation for another 9? How bout if he waits 3-4 years? What if he never decides to come out?

At some point you do have to think of your own wellbeing and right now you are unhappy. Don't let it go until you are bitter and completely resentful of him.

 

I'm not a great believer in ultimatums, this is no way to conduct a relationship, but neither is it fair to you when he steadfastly remains closeted.

If he can maintain a semblance of the status quo with you, he can legitimately ask: "Why should I come out when things seem stable enough"? What he expects is for you to pay the price of his indecision, and by you moving out (even if only for a day or two) and, no doubt, accommodating his fear in a thousand other ways, you have already been paying.

This is no basis for a healthy long-term, respectful and loving relationship.

You need to change the terms of your unwritten arrangement, because as sure as there are daisies in May, there already is an arrangement/agreement between you, and it is mostly on terms that are favourable to him. And you have acquiesced, all in the name of love, which is understandable, but impossible.

He is a people-pleaser, I know, because I used to be one. With guys like this, someone else is always paying the price. So, back to the ultimatum: you talk to him about how this is making you feel (that's called self-respect), you put an end to business-as-usual, effective immediately, and you set a reasonable deadline by which he gets off his ass, finds his balls and gets it over with. If he fails to do it, you are out (I know, easier said than done, but I think you are leaning in that direction anyway...). The only way ultimatums work is if they are believed, there are no do-overs or second chances, you need to convey this in no uncertain terms.

 

As someone who's not ready/willing to come out to most of his family, I will tell you that trying to force him out is a really bad idea. That's just one of those things about being in a relationship is that the other person still gets to make their own decisions.

While you may be ready to be out to your family, there may be certain situations/ongoings/attitudes in his that you may not know about. For example, in my family, my dad is emotionally and verbally abusive, hot tempered, and has about as much maturity as a five-year-old. If and when I ever come out to parents, it'll be after I've graduated college and have established myself financially.

I'd suggest talking to him and giving him an outlet to maybe discuss what he's afraid of. Don't try and insist that he come out or judge him. Give him a chance to express his feelings. Coming out is a process and not a race. Some people come out to everyone when they're quite young, others take their whole lives.

 

I agree with this completely. Forcing anyone to come out is wrong.

In this case, however, it is beside the point. He is in a relationship, and it isn't working for the relationship, it is a blatantly unfair and untenable situation for the partner who is out.

It may be possible to understand his BF's reluctance: Polish family, religion, etc. but understanding does not mean taking action, and this is what is needed here. In some situations, it may be possible to wait, but what is happening is that there has been a precedent set, a certain pattern in the relationship that will manifest itself in other ways down the line. Hence the importance of setting a boundary of what is acceptable, and what is not.

It is ultimately up to the BF to decide. It's a question of what is more important to him, his current relationship, or his family. It is a stark and cruel choice, and no one can decide that for him.

 

Again this is the only way I can do a partial quote

TheAnswer said:
"His mum is definitely the main one he needs to face up to.

It wouldn't surprise me if she knows already, but just leaves it unsaid. After all he's never had a girlfriend to speak of and lives alone."

Unfortunately the mom would be the last person I would ask him to come out to. It seems that he fears coming out to his family the most. I think you need to take a few baby steps first. I think in your situation him having a friend or two that you don't have to hide from would be a big step for him and would relieve quite a bit of stress on you. It's not perfect but you have to start somewhere.


BTW: If he were to ask me to not be there when his mom was over I might let that slide for a bit. When he asked me to take all my stuff with me I would oblige, but I highly doubt that me or my stuff would ever come back in the house again. If you are officially living with him then that is YOUR house too and asking you to take your stuff out is completely uncalled for.

 

If being in this relationship is damaging you; you know what you have to do. He seems quite insistent, and I understand his fear, but you need to really think about whether staying in this situation is healthy for you.

Let me be very clear. It's not your responsibility to make him come out, however, you both are responsible for the relationship. If there is a fundamental issue that he refuses to address, as the one you describe above; if you feel like crap every time you have to deal with him, if you both can't speak honestly and courteously about what the problems are, well, I can only tell you that I have endured that kind of stress for far longer than you can imagine and I can also tell you with perfect certainty that it will affect your long-term health and emotional well-being.

As Red suggested above, the next time he asks you to leave, then leave...for good. You seriously don't need this.