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Scared as hell- coming out to best buddy

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by TheSameRoad, Dec 22, 2014.

  1. TheSameRoad

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    Hello everyone, I'm new to EC. lately I have seriously been considering telling my best friend that I am gay and since I have noone to talk to about this I figured I would share it with y'all in hopes of some advice. But beforehand I would like to give you some background into the situation and my friendship with him (Apologies if the story gets quite lengthy or if I include some redundant or irrelevant info).

    I'm currently 18. I believe I've know I was gay since I have conscience. However, in my hometown back in Mexico being gay was probably not a very accepted concept, so to speak. So I never gave it that much thought or acted upon it. At that time and place, I thought gay and happy could not exist in the same world (Ah! Ironic that gay originally means happy:rolle:slight_smile:.

    About 4 years ago, when I was 14, I moved to California from Mexico cause my parents had some business going on over here. I told them I was quite excited because I always wanted to learn English and this would be a great opportunity. Little did they know, though, that was aspiring to move here in hopes of being able to find myself and not be afraid of it and know that I could be happy. Anyhow, I began high school and throughout my first year I would only hang out with my 3 cousins and a few other of their friends, I literally knew nobody except for the 3 of them and I found it quite difficult to make friends mainly because I barely knew any English at all.

    At the beginning of my sophomore year I met this dude in my P.E. class, we were assigned as partners for some exercises. From that day on, we became good friends and within a few weeks he introduced me to his group of friends with whom I also became good friends. Anyhow, we found out we have so many things and common and our friendship only grew stronger throughout the years. By then, he would say I was the person he has ever trusted the most. He keeps saying that he tells me things about him that he would never tell anyone else and he always comes to me for advice and whatnot.
    Long story short, our high school graduation arrived and we went off to the same college :eusa_danc (currently our first year). I honestly never thought I would have such an amazing friendship with anyone. We are the type of friends that you see together everywhere, truly inseparable. Even my stepdad jokes around saying we are a couple and we just laugh it off. Truth is, he is just like a brother to me. I've been there for him in his ups and downs, relationship and personal problems, etc. I'm currently sort of his wingman trying to hook him up with a mutual friend but hell she's difficult, lol. He's always saying I'm his twin separated at birth and that he will always have my back no matter what. Nevertheless, we have build so much trust- heck, when I say i'm in love with his crush (I try to be serious), he says it's ok can we can share her and get married all three of us. (jokes, of course). We have even been planning to go on a California roadtrip (none of us have really traveled much at all) and eventually go on vacations to Acapulco.

    Finally, to the main point. I have recently been feeling sort of guilty that he has trusted me pretty much with everything about him, yet I am keeping this important part of me from him. I would not say he is necessarily homophobic, but I don't think he is very comfortable with it either, so more like neutral about it. Once while hanging out with some friends someone brought up the topic and 4 of them said they don't mind gay people, but him and another friend just didn't say anything. Then in anthropology class we were discussing marriage and gender stereotypes, and a guy in the class who happens to be gay mentioned "Well my boyfriend and I..." and my friend looked kind of surprised then after class he was like "Damn did that guy say 'his boyfriend'?" I say yeah that's what he said. He then asked me " Doesn't that surprise you?" To which I replied not really, and he just switched topic. He knows I'm all for equality and hate any time of discrimination against anyone. Anyway, now that I have accepted myself after years of denial and whatnot, I really feel like I need to get it out of my chest and it would be cool if he was the first person I told. But for some reason I can't grow the balls to tell him. I guess I am too afraid that our friendship could change if I tell him or that he might think I feel attracted to him, which I am not. Also, I know (or hope) he would never do this to me, but I am also afraid that in the worst scenario, other people would find out and I'm not ready for that.

    Damn, I can't believe I just wrote all that. Believe it or not this is my first time ever writing or talking about it, it feels kinda relieving to at least get it off my chest through the forum. Hopefully sometime soon I'll man up and have the balls to say "I'm gay." I was thinking on telling him this week but I figured I'd just wait until after the holidays are over. I don't even know if I will be able to, but at least I'll give it a shot.
    So I just wanted to know what you all think about it? I'm just terrified things might not go the way I hope.

    Once again I am VERY SORRY for the super long text, I really needed to get all that off me. Also I apologize if something I wrote doesn't make sense, I'm still learning English! :slight_smile:
    Any thoughts & advice will be hugely appreciated.
    Peace out


     
  2. MessieM

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    Your friendship sounds so strong and you both have a really close bond!

    I too was afraid of coming out to my best friend, because she means the world to me, and I was also terrified that she would think I was attracted to her, especially as we have quite a touchy feely relationship lol, and she would never hug or confide in me again.
    She also never seem to outwardly approve of gay rights, and said things like "oh that's gay" and tell me her suspicions on how people she didn't like were "lesbians".

    However, when I came out to her, she was absolutely amazing, and she really did not care, and still treated me exactly the same! While i didn't expect us to stop being friends, i did think that she would be cold towards me. However, it just strengthened our relationship, and I am so lucky to have her!

    What I say is, if you think you are ready and want to, take the leap and tell him. Obviously, you don't want to lose him, but from the sound of it, he wouldn't want to lose you either. I mean, you went to the same college!

    Wishing you good luck :grin:
     
  3. greatwhale

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    Hey TheSameRoad, welcome to EC!

    The way you described your friendship gives a measure of confidence that he will take it, if not enthusiastically, at least well enough to keep your friendship.

    Just start the conversation by telling him how much you value your friendship and how you feel safe telling him anything. Then just tell him you're gay (don't keep him waiting), wait for his reaction, and then explain how it has been a part of who you are for as long as you can remember. Reassure him that you understand he may be uncomfortable, that it is OK and that you respect his feelings. Reassure him that this does not in any way change who you are or the relationship you have with him.

    This should work, but if it doesn't, then give him time to sort it out, if your friendship is strong, it will survive this.
     
  4. TheSameRoad

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    Hey, thank you guys so much for your advice, they really make me feel better! :icon_bigg

    Yesterday evening he texted me and said we should go take a walk and talk, which we do once in a while. So I drove to his place and picked him up and we went to a little park. We stayed in the car talking and listening to music outloud for a while then he told me there's a video on facebook he wanted to tag me on but since I stopped using facebook several months ago he wanted me to see it. The video was about how life is short and we've got to enjoy, that we must not rush things or else they might not go the way we want, and it also mentioned that real friendships are scarce and we must keep them; quite a moving video lol. At that moment I was trying so hard to tell him that I am gay, but I just couldn't get the words off my mouth! :bang: I feel like I missed a great opportunity to tell him. But oh well, more will come and I guess I will now just wait until after holiday season.
     
  5. IWICCO

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    I just recently told my BFF of 7 years that I am bi. I knew he would be OK but it was just so hard to muster the words. He was totally fine and nothing has changed between us. I agree with a lot of the comments that if you guys are this close I can't imagine it will matter to him. That said, you know him best.

    I agree with you that if he has confided so much in you you should be your authentic self as well. That was part of my motivation as well.

    The best of luck and keep us posted.
     
  6. TheSameRoad

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    Thanks dude! Yeah as I mentioned on my previous post, I tried telling him yesterday but I just couldn't do it. This is gonna be harder than I thought lol

    I'll keep you guys updated tho. Happy holidays!
    PeaceOut
     
  7. Wildside

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    well, you could invite him for another walk and talk, and tell him that you want to talk some more about the video and what it means to him. and how, even with such friendship, it is so hard for you to share your deepest secret. see where it goes from there.
     
  8. TheSameRoad

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    Hey, thanks for the suggestion! The thing is I kind of want to tell him in a more laid back, sorta funny way. It's cause we always take serious matters and somehow make em funny to ease the mood. I don't really want to be all serious and make it a huge deal (I don't really think it is, anyway) cause that's not our way of communicating lol. Any thoughts or suggestions on that?

    Peace out
     
    #8 TheSameRoad, Dec 24, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2014
  9. Wildside

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    laid back and funny is definitely good. I don't know the style of yous guys humor, so it's hard to say exactly what fits. maybe something like asking him, hey, who is your best gay friend? and then when he answers say, gee, I thought I was your GBFF!
     
  10. duende84

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    Dude, welcome to EC!

    Let me let you in on a secret. If your friend is really your best friend he will accept you for who you are no matter what. And I speak from experience.

    Best of luck to you :slight_smile:
     
  11. Ryu

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    I suppose it's normal to be nervous when coming out to your closest friends, knowing that it could change your friendship completley, but I suppose that like duende said, he isn 't a true friend if he rejects you.
     
  12. Ruprect

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    I will second this. My two best friends from that time period are still my best friends till this current day. If they are your true friends, it's only a matter of them knowing you a little bit more than before.
     
  13. TheSameRoad

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    Thank you guys for taking the time to reply. And, yes, I already have that clear but I guess I'm afraid that this will NOT be the case and our friendship will be ruined. Regardless, I've already made up my mind and I will be telling him very soon, I'm just waiting for the right moment (hopefully I won't chicken out haha)

    Peace out
     
  14. Wildside

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    Good luck!!! Can't wait to hear how it went!
     
  15. just peeking

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    please keep us updated - and best of luck to you
     
  16. arken1

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    A friend who goes on "walk and talks"? Wow!! I think you're going to be fine. All my friends ever do is go on "sleep and video games" or "eat and football games" (alone, not in a social way! haha). Sounds like you have quite a friend, there.
     
  17. LostLion

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    You sound like a really good guy, and your friend sounds like one too. I hope you are able to come out and I really hope he accepts you :slight_smile: best of luck!
     
  18. TheSameRoad

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    Hopefully everything will be just fine. :slight_smile:

    I will. & thanks! :slight_smile:

    Hahah, we usually meetup to watch football (soccer) matches and playvideogames as well. We tend to go for a walk when we are both bored or sometimes we just stay in the car blasting Eminem's music and trying to rap along hahah. And whether that's a real friend, I will soon find out. ><

    Hey bud, thanks a bunch! :wink:
     
  19. TheSameRoad

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    Update:
    *sigh* well...
    We went to buy some stuff just a few hours ago, then we were in the car for a good while just talking lol. Anyway, I've never been this close to telling him but I just couldn't do it, dammit! :bang: :bang:
    After talking a laughing for a while:
    Me: Anyway dude we gotta talk
    Him: yeah I kinda figured something was coming, you weren't being you haha ( i was debating all along whether I would tell him or not)
    Me: Really? Hahah
    Him: yeah so what's up?
    (about 20 minutes passed by and he started trying to guess the most random things. I was just laughing sorta nervously)
    Me: I'm being fu**ing dramatic aint I? it's really not a big deal
    Him: dude you're killing me just saaaaaay it
    Me: Nah bro I was just fu**ing with you
    Him: Shut the f**k up you do have something to say, come on i know you, say it, it's gonna be alright. Take your time, i'll wait
    (this literally went on for about an hour and i was trying to switch topic, didnt work tho)
    Me: Hahaha i was just joking man, alright ima go now..

    Yeah that was lame :frowning2: I can't believe I couldn't tell him! I was so close to doing it ! I think he didn't believe me that I was just joking, he knows i did have something to say. He said he's gonna need some help with something tomorrow so hopefully I'll man up and just freaking say it already! lol

    Peace out
     
    #19 TheSameRoad, Dec 28, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2014
  20. Ruby Confused

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    Hey,
    Welcome to EC! so last week I was almost exactly in your position (though I haven't yet labeled myself yet...). Anyway so I wasn't really sure how to tell her and we were just discussing gay rights and YouTube videos and guys and the I thought ok, here's my chance.... I told her that I wasn't straight and was more than likely gay (though I did cop-out half way through and mention maybe I was bi but then again I am not so sure myself...) anyway I told her that she is like my sister and very important to me. She took it so much better than I imagined! I realize now that the best thing to do is be 100% honest. tell your friend everything you have told us (include the brother bit as well as how you are not ready for anyone else to know but you trust him and don't want to not be yourself with him..) Anyway I hope that this helps... I have copped out so many times in the past so if you aren't ready you aren't ready. Tell him how scared and hard this is for you but I promise you that after you say it, it will be as if a massive weight has come off you.
    Good luck
    love
    Ruby