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I tried coming out to my parents...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MissBookworm, Dec 23, 2014.

  1. MissBookworm

    MissBookworm Guest

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    ...And it didn't work at all. After we lit the candles for Hanukkah, we'd all opened our presents and were in high spirits. I casually started to bring up the topic of LGBT+ issues, and my parents went completely ballistic on me. They gave me and my siblings an almost reprimanding talk about how if any of us were gay, they'd never respect us again. Clearly, I decided not to come out to them that night, but I feel almost trapped inside my own body, keeping a huge aspect of myself from them. I mean, I'm only in 7th grade, so dating anybody until I'm, at least, in college would have to be either a secret or nonexistent. Is there any way to come out to them without them taking drastic measures? I've asked this question before on EC, but the situation has become more urgent for me, and I don't think I can not come out to them. Help! :help::help::help:
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    My guess is, they actually already suspect at some level, and their response is, essentially, an unconscious and desperate attempt to have what they already sort of know not be true... if that makes sense.

    Remember the 5 stages of processing loss (in this case, loss of perception you're straight)... denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. So the "anger" response you felt is common as people are first processing loss... *if* they already have some idea.

    What does this mean? I'm not totally sure. I think at this stage, if you want to move forward, you could write a letter or an email. That way, they have time to think and process before they talk to you. You can also pull at their heartstrings and talk about how hard it is to say, especially after what they've just said.

    I can say with almost complete certainty that the response you felt tonight isn't the response they really have. It's just a knee-jerk response of fear. Also notice that they say they wouldn't respect you. I think that's telling... they aren't saying they won't love you, won't support you, will throw you out, or anything like that. I can't say with certainty, but those particular words might have meaning.

    I hope that helps.
     
  3. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    I am so sorry that you had to experience that. You shared an intimate part of yourself with the people you most love, and should be able to trust most. It must have been so painful. We are with you, and hope for better days ahead. Definitely some great advice from Chip about the letter. Emphasize how much you trust in their love, support, and continued relationship, despite their current disappointment. Find others you can talk to, like maybe a counselor at school.
     
  4. MissBookworm

    MissBookworm Guest

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    Thank you, both of you, for the advice. I mean, I do live with them, so a letter or email may not be the best approach. They'll probably think it was fake, spam, or hacking and won't believe it at all. I hope they only meant that respect was going to be lost, but I'm not sure if they'll support me. I have no doubt in my mind that they'll love me, but I have a feeling that it'll come to a point where my sexuality will be buried and not a part of their lives, because they'll be so repulsed by it. As it is, I wasn't allowed to date boys until this year, and I don't know how it's going to work if I date girls. I just feel like they'll do something like not allowing me to date girls or forcing me to date boys in order for them to pay for my education or something. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do you think I should try again and straight up (no pun intended) say it?
     
  5. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    take your time and give it thought. no rush. and in the meantime, you may want to write that letter anyway. I understand that it might not be appropriate to send it, but in writing it, you will be able to get your thoughts together, and as you re-read it you can spot those things that don't make much sense, or go off on tangents, confuse things, or just run on too long. and that way, if you decide to tell 'em straight, you will be more focused. and there always is the possibility that you will like what you wrote, and decide to give it to them and ask them to read it, and once they've had a chance to read it, then talk. and you could go out for a walk at that point! you know your parents best, so if you think that they may react badly, that they may prohibit you from dating girls, you may be right. that just kind of forces you to live a secret life, which is unhealthy but may be beyond your control.
     
  6. arkangel

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    I can't say I know your situation exactly, but just know that we all support you, and will be here for you no matter what. I can't offer specific advice, and I know that's what you want, but I can offer you perspective, and maybe a few ideas and comforting words...

    My family is christian, and, although we do not attend church, we still pray and do the other things a normal christian family does. I spent 3 years in high school having gay feelings that I resented. I wished it would go away, I prayed, I did whatever I could think of spiritually to try and change a genetic thing. When I finally came out the first time... It did NOT blow over well... My mother, the closest person to me in my life... well, her exact words were: "I can't live with my son being gay", and tried to shovel pills down her throat. My dad stopped her and it kind of just blew over. I had to come out a second time to them, and I was told: "Don't seek love out, just let it happen when it does. The right person will come along and will sweep you off your feet. Male or female.". Much better, but they still didn't seem to get it. Finally, just a few weeks ago, I came out to my mom a third time... I wouldn't really say I came out, but we had a discussion. It was much more somber and welcoming...

    She basically told me that she wanted grand kids. A little selfish yes, but who doesn't. I told her it was kinda selfish, she agreed. But then she told me she just was concerned for my safety. Knowing how the world treats LGBT people, she was scared for me. I understand that. I felt like it hit home for her, even though its not a big talked about thing around the house.

    Whether your parents are scared for your safety, religiously against lgbt people, or want you to be straight for selfish reasons, I can't say. What I can offer you though, is some advice.

    -Don't be blunt about it. That would likely provoke the same response you got last time. If you plan on telling them, I would advise [maybe] discussing a 'friend' of yours that is gay, and see what happens. Maybe warm them up to the idea if you get what I am trying to say. *I would say this would work best, in my honest opinion*

    -Remind them you love them a lot, that they are your world, and you care for them more than anything. (I am not saying butter up your parents, but just remind them that you care about them)

    -Write a letter about how you might come out to them. Review what you would say, revise it, make sure you don't come out too strong, or don't give them reason to doubt you. *When I came out the first time, I came out as Bi, and my parents SO WANTED to believe that I would end up with a woman and that it was just a phase*

    -Have faith in yourself, and have spiritual faith that the lord will guide you.

    -Decide when you are going to tell them. It may or may not be best to wait until you are older, say 18, and have a job where you are financially stable, in case they do blow it out of proportion. *worst case scenario*

    Thats what I have for you. I stand behind you 100%, and I wish you all of the love, joy, and happiness in the world. Be safe, and happy holidays.(*hug*)
     
  7. MissBookworm

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    I wasn't blunt about it last time. We were talking about something completely different, and eventually there was a point in the conversation where I brought up LGBT+ issues. Without saying anything about my sexual orientation, they blew up at me, so I don't know how else it'd work. I didn't think I was being blunt, but who knows? Thank you, and the same to you. Happy holidays! :slight_smile:
     
  8. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    Happy Holidays to you too!!! May every anxiety be replaced by peace in your heart, and every dream be fulfilled!!! (&&&)