I kinda have a girlfriend but I'd rather be with a guy...

Hello everyone,

I'm in a bit of a dilemma lately and I'm stuck in a most awkward situation.
Desperately trying to find some advice on the Internet I found this forum and I decided to register.

I hope this is the right section for this, though.

So, where to start? Well, basically I'm terrified of being regarded as "gay" because homosexuality in my community, circle of friends, family and region is judged as immoral and viewed as sick and a sin.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a non-judgmental person because I've never seen why someone's sexuality or preference could be such a big deal, it just does NOT define who a person is.
Yet I am terrified of being judged and ostracized by my pears.
So, most of my childhood I was desperate to find I girlfriend because this was regarded as a status symbol and I did have a "relationship" over three years from 10-13 but the relationship was exclusively based on the reputation and image being in a relationship offered and I not once kissed my girlfriend.

Since then I was distracting myself 24/7 from the "dating" topic in order to avoid asking myself one question:
"Do I even want to be with a girl?"

Despite my efforts to not think abou the question I have since discovered one fact I still cannot accept: I kinda like guys. I keep avoiding the topic wherever I encounter it and I could never talk about it with my friends or family, so I genuinely keep myself busy with school and sports and I am quite successful in school every once in a while the question slips back into my head and despite I keep denying it, it is so important to me that I even got stress related health complaints.

As I was the only one among my friends who was never dating a girl and my friends and family were kind of suspicious as I've never shown any interest in dating whatsoever, but rather avoided even just talking about it, I was desperately trying to find a girlfriend and force myself to like her in order to need this misery and make my family proud.

So, I met this girl one and a half months ago and we became close friends immediately. I honestly enjoy being around her and I think she would have become my best friend but she made some romantic advances and I did not explicitly tell her I didn't like her only as a friend and she now thinks we are dating.

On top of that, I thought I might be able to get myself to like her and even if I didn't I wanted to keep this up long enough to introduce her to my parents to let them see I am capable of dating.

She lives a little ways from my town and she comes to visit ever so often but I'm a generally shy person and So it wasn't a problem at first but recently she's becoming more and more affectionate and she wants to hold hands and cuddle every time we spend time together. I'm really running out of ideas how to keep her busy and distracted from getting intimate.
She's a great and kind person and I enjoy her company because she's very intelligent and literate but I'm running out of excuses not to kiss her.

Please, don't get me wrong, I really do like her but only as a friend. I tried so hard to like her as my girlfriend but every time she takes my hand it feels wrong. Every time she wants to kiss me I come up with excuses like I have a bad cold or I just try to change the subject. She loves cuddling and watching movies at night and I think that's the worst. I feel I'm just sitting there stiff and feeling out-of-place while she is cuddled toward me and clasping my hand. This sounds awful, I'm so sorry for that but As much as I tried, after a couple of hours I can't help but free myself from her hug and go to sleep as far from her as possible. I'm really disgusted and I feel very uncomfortable.


So, basically I'm stuck with her as my "girlfriend" and I'm terrified by the idea of ever taking this relationship to the next level, even if it's just kissing. I'm not sure how long I can keep this sharade up as I frequently tell her how much I like her and Im just nervous because it's going to be my first kiss.

I know it's wrong and I'm being a terrible person but I feel it's too late now to tell her I don't like her without giving a reason. I don't want to lose her as a friend but I can't tell her I'm disgusted by her being a girl.

I'm the worst person as I feel like Im using her as a decoy to keep everyone from questioning my sexuality. Also, I want to impress my family so badly and they would like her very much. I am still trying to get myself to like her, mainly because I don't want to lose her as a friend and as it's impossible to take this back into the fried zone.

My biggest problem, however, is that either way she might find out I don't like girls because it's gotten to a point I feel sick and appalled whenever she tries to kiss me. Plus she's so pretty you have to be gay if you're trying to avoid touching her so vehemently.

Thinking about this whole situation, there's nothing that would make me happier than being with a guy and not being judged by anyone.

I do hope you can understand my misery only a tiny but and do not see me as the terrible person I might looks like acing like this.
Does anyone have even remotely similar experiences?
Is there anything I can do in order to avoid being outed by her as homosexual and consequently being kicked out by my parents and being forced to leave my hometown?
It's terrible and I feel really bad...

 

I don't think we'd ever get this far. The "religious card" only works before marriage
I cannot under no circumstances see myself ever being able to get sexually active with a girl... The thought just grosses me out and I don't think it would work, like ever.

---------- Post added 26th Dec 2014 at 01:45 AM ----------

Thanks for the great advice. I'll try to make things better.