I have the past six months finally started to consider whether I could be gay or bisexual and landed on that what I am for now is probably bicurious. It is a thought to me that before this year was something I had never really wanted to consider being an option because I was sure I was into men. It is actually a quite painful story of how I got to have the feeling in the first place… Spoiler This summer I was out with a good friend, her girlfriend and some of their friends. Previously, I haven’t had the best relations with her girlfriend because she seemed like a rather jealous girlfriend and a drama queen. However, I knew it meant a lot to my friend that me and her girlfriend got along so that night we made an effort of getting to know each other. It was somewhat a success and we actually had a lot of fun. We decided to keep dancing on the dancefloor when my friend and their other friends decided to go outside for a smoke. So me and her girlfriend was left alone on the dancefloor. We had been going a bit back and forth between outside and the dance floor, and this weird flirtatious mood happened at some point. The girlfriend kissed me once on the cheek and then later on the mouth, and I was sure it was just because she was drunk, so I did not really think of it as more. We had been holding hands going through crowds to stay together and back on the dance floor all of the sudden she kissed me full on, and I kissed back. The magic happened in those seconds. It felt so good and I was so alive for the first time in a while. When we broke off I had realized the horror of my actions and I felt like puking on the spot. I had never cheated on a friend before, and I cannot recommend it. When I got back home I could not get the feelings I had felt out of my head. It felt so good and so terribly wrong at the same time. To save the digital ink and your time I will spare you the rest of the detailed story, but “the affair” lasted the rest of the weekend, and in my head I was thinking about it the rest of the summer and even longer. I have been beating myself up about what happened this whole summer. I had hard times coming to terms with that I had have a crush on the girlfriend even though nothing much happened between us. Since then it has been a roller coaster figuring out my sexuality. I was definitely interested in getting to know this part of my identity, but not to put a label on myself or to tell the rest of the world. I really do not like labels. However I think it is important to know who you are, which is why I thought I had to get to know this side of me. As a bit younger I was disgusted by the thought of being with another woman – I was sure I was straight. I grew up a tomboy and my surroundings had been telling me they would be alright with me being gay way before I even knew anything about my sexuality. I just wanted to be normal, and in my world it was normal to be straight so that was what I wanted to be. During my freshman year of university I had been told I had kissed a lot of girls from my class at parties but I have absolutely no memory of this only the guys I have kissed. This really freaked me out – I do not understand why I would repress those memories? Furthermore, looking back I remember I once in my early teens had a crush on a girl, but nothing happened. I went back to have crushes on boys and I still like boys – I just find them a bit more boring than girls lately. I have never been interested in my “girl” friends, and as of late my only interest is in girls I know are gay. It is really a hard and long process to figure yourself out.. I am finally getting more comfortable with the thought, but not quite ready to explore it full on yet. Earlier on I thought I could just decide to ignore it, but I have realized it will keep nagging until I know for sure. I guess I am still afraid that realizing my true sexuality if it turns out I am other than straight would mean that my life could never be the same. Why does it feel so easier to be heterosexual?
That sounds almost EXACTLY like me. For the longest time I've been suppressing my bisexuality because I felt like it wasn't me. During almost every party in high school, if I was dared to kiss a girl I was perfectly fine with it. Coming out to yourself is easily the hardest and most important thing to do. I was able to come out to myself when I was looking at my phone. That gave me a bit of a distraction and I was able to just say it. I felt so relieved when I said it and I couldn't wait to tell someone else. Just do it when you're ready. Think about all those moments you can remember with other girls and if they excite you as much as thoughts/moments with guys excite you then you are bisexual. (*hug*)
I was similar to you. My real 'trigger' was when I realised I was fantasising about being in a relationship with a female friend. After facing that I had fallen for a woman and some real honest reflection after about 6 months I was able to come out to myself. I've come out to other people since but I think it was the hardest one so far! I also have to say after my first relationship with a girl I realised it would be easier to just be heterosexual it definitely wouldn't feel as good
