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I want to come out, but I'm terrified

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Frostbite, Dec 28, 2014.

  1. Frostbite

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    I have a bit of an awkward family situation, that being I have four adult siblings, one younger sibling, and my parents have a large age gap. I've been having a lot of trouble with some aspects of myself (more on the gender identity end, my sexuality is fine to me) and I'm terrified my family won't be able to take these things so well. My boyfriend told me I should wait until my birthday in February, since I'll be 18 then but it's proving more difficult than he makes it out to be. I don't think my sexuality will be too much an issue, but I have no idea what my family will think of my gender. My mom and dad don't seem to understand the concept of being transgendered, and that'll make it all the harder to come out as genderfluid/bigender (depending on which word fits me better). The thing is there are some days where I don't even want to do anything because I feel so uncomfortable with myself. Yesterday I felt so awful because I had to present as female when that's not how I felt that I actually broke down crying. What is a good way to come out to my parents and should I wait or not?
     
  2. jay777

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  3. Frostbite

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    I'd rather talk in person, a letter just seems too distant for me. I don't want to have to wait until I'm 18, but every time I sit down to talk to them, I get scared and walk away. I'm not even scared of them getting upset, although they might question my sexuality because they've only ever seen me dating guys. The gender thing though... that's a tricky thing to bring up.
     
  4. Ryu

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    Get really, really drunk. Then you can do it and nobody will remeber in the morning!
     
  5. PatrickUK

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    How would you feel about taking a middle way? Could you write a letter, like jay777 suggested and then return to talk to them after say 5/10 minutes?

    You can really think about everything you want to say and make several drafts, if necessary, but you also have that time to sit and talk to them after they have read it. What do you think?
     
  6. Frostbite

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    I'm having trouble thinking of what to say so a letter might be the best bet
     
  7. Frostbite

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    How's this?
    "Dear Mom and Dad, I know you see how stressed I've been lately, but it's only partly what you think it is. College planning is stressful, and thank you for helping me so far, but this isn't about that at all. You see, I've never felt like the other girls. I've never fit into the mold I saw in movies and books of how a girl should be. Truth be told, I'm not a girl, at least I don't feel that way all the time. I always knew I was different. I guess the name I can use for this is bigender. I can explain that term another time more in depth, but just take it as sometimes I'm a girl, and sometimes I'm a guy. In addition to that though, I'm not straight. I'm pansexual, and that does not mean I'm attracted to cookware. I hope you understand this enough to support me, and if you have any questions, please ask."
     
  8. Wildside

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    sounds like a pretty good way to say it. nice that you expressed your appreciation for what they've been doing for you, and cute to add some humor. I don't know that there is an easy way to say it, but you've done a good job here. if you love them and believe that they love you too, that can be good to express too, because they may be wondering if it is their fault, if they failed you in some way. (of course they didn't, but they may feel that way.)
     
  9. jay777

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    I'd say its good.
    I would add: It means I'm attracted to persons, not a gender.

    And I would add that I love them... and that this is only a part of your personality, otherwise you're still the same...

    but you know them best, so its your choice..

    As said, I think its good.


    (*hug*)
     
  10. Frostbite

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    This is just so scary. Plus I have anxiety problems... I might take a while before I can actually do this
     
  11. PatrickUK

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    It's totally normal to have anxiety about coming out. It is a big step and huge personal challenge, so don't put yourself under pressure or rush into it. You've prepared the letter, so you are getting there. Don't underestimate what you have already done.
     
  12. Frostbite

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    I'm most afraid about the gender thing. I feel like my parents won't understand it, but I'm sick of presenting as female when I feel male.
     
  13. PatrickUK

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    It's the fear of the unknown, I guess? Can you try to envision coming out to them and consider some of the questions they might ask? Try to go through the scenario and really consider your answers. Preparing in advance can help a lot and keep you off the back-foot. If you can answer them calmly and with confidence it will demonstrate that you have thought about it and you are not just reacting in the moment. Would that help?
     
  14. Frostbite

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    Possibly. I just don't know if they'll feel like they're "losing" their only daughter.
     
  15. PatrickUK

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    How long has it taken for you to arrive at this point? I'm guessing it's been a long process with a lot of personal reflection along the way? In the same way, your parents may go on their own journey of reflection and questioning after you come out to them. In all honesty, it's to be expected. We can't really expect parents to take it on the chin and say "alright then" - it would be nice, of course, but it rarely happens like that. It's a lot to take in and we don't exactly give them time to prepare. So yeah, they may be shocked or upset at first and we do need to be patient with them instead of upset abd angered ourselves.

    It's true that loss is one of the stages on the parental journey and your parents may feel it for a while, but it doesn't mean they'll remain there forever.
     
  16. Frostbite

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    Being the only daughter though, that's going to make it harder for them. I won't be their "little girl" anymore, which is going to be tough on them. All I hope is they accept me.
     
  17. jay777

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    This is a leaflet especially for family:
    http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf
    Do you feel it would help if you would print and show ?


    Well you might say that your gender idendity is a part of you... the rest of you stays the same...

    and you might say you will be like your male or female twin sister... the gender may change, but not yourself...


    I would prepare the letter... so that you have a good feeling...
    and envision a happy ending...


    (*hug*)
     
    #17 jay777, Jan 2, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2015
  18. Frostbite

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    That is actually really helpful. I think I might be able to use that to better explain myself.
     
  19. Frostbite

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    Well I did it, I came out. apparently it's all okay as long as I don't get a sex change. I'm a little upset about my mother's views on my sexuality, but at least her exact words were "you are who you are, and you're my kid, so that's that."
     
  20. jay777

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