I'm so sick of everything right now

Prepare for a long read guys.. I have too many things to get off my chest.
My mind is too ****ing messed up right now. I don't feel like anything is alright right now. =/ So here goes.. Fifteen years of bottled up emotions. Sorry for the length, even this is a severely constricted version of what I wanted to let fly but it would be too much.

Anyways...

My family treat me like shit. I don't know how else to put it. My dad is a hippocritical bastard, my mum is a two-faced bitch and my brother can be a right old douche sometimes. I'll go through them one by one..

Dad - My dad, as protective and awesome as he can be to me whenever I have problems, he's just a complete racist, arrogant, drinking bastard.
He always bitches about the neighbours doing something "just to annoy him" and then will go and do the same thing to them the next day. For example, recently my next door neighbours had a party with their friends for the AFL (Australia's version of football) grand final. Now, people (Melbournians in particular) get really into it and go a bit nuts. They were screaming and cheering and stuff on the day, and dad decided that it was because "they wanted to annoy us, so they made sure they were loud". And then he bitched about them playing music really loud, and wanna know what he does the next day at TEN FUCKING PM? He blasts his car stereo! So not only did he piss off the entire street, my mother and I were subjected to loud bass vibrations going through the entire house (I could hear it in my room about 70-80 metres away! And that's through a heap of SOUND PROOF walls!).
Also, he continually makes racial comments about people and the most disgusting things I've ever heard and ignores it whenever I tell him that it offends me. For example, if we're talking to an Indian, he'll reffer to him as a "curry muncher" to everyone else. And he always uses that freaking "n" word to reffer to black people!! And the amount of gay slurs that fall out of his mouth makes me sick. If anything gay-related comes up in conversation he'll immediately shoot it down.
And the thing that annoys me most about him is the fact that he'll shoot first, ask questions later. He always goes off the brain at me for the stupidest things or accuse me of trying to annoy him. One time he was taking me home from a music rehearsal at school recently, and on the drive home I thought the window was open a bit because I heard that familiar wind-rushing noise, so I clicked the window button on my side a couple of times to make sure it was up fully (my mum does it, he does it, my brother does it) but wanna know what he does? HE FUCKING DECIDED TO GO OFF AT ME and say that I'm trying to be an annoying prick and he called me a range of different things. When we got home, he was passing my saxophone to me, and he was waiting for me to take the handle out of his hand even though I told him to let go (seeing as my hand was underneath his and there wasn't enough room to slide my hand in to grab it) and he just drops it on the ground, goes off at me for being an annoying bastard and what have you.
He'll always bitch about us making noise at night if we're in the kitchen making a drink or something, yet on many occasions he has has decided to do something noisy at night. In past he's done wall repairs while my brother and I were trying to sleep (and this was on a wall right outside of our rooms by the way), and then another night he decided to finally get around to repainting the laundry.. At 9PM.
And just last night the bastard decided to go and open up the box for our replacement dishwasher (we had a faulty one) and move it over to the kitchen. And guess what time it was at? TWELVE FUCKING A FUCKING M. I asked him three times why he had to do it at that time and I told him I needed sleep because of school the next day and he just ignored me and kept going at it, making copious amounts of noise.

One time my brother and I were playing in his room, and he started tickling me and I was trying to get away and I was flailing around, and I accidently kicked one of his walls and put a hole in it. Dad was on a business trip thankfully so he didn't notice it until a few weeks after.. Anyway when he does, he comes into my room, starts going off at me saying random slurs and insults and punches a couple of holes in my wall, then walks out of the house.

Another time, I was begging my mum to stay up for an extra half-hour so I could watch my favorite TV show at the time and they said no, but instead of just sending me off to bed, dad takes every TV in the house, destroys them in front of me and then later comes into my bedroom to yell at me and throw the remaining bits of the TV on me.

When I was like 6 or so my brother got a scateboard for his birthday from one our aunts and my brother and I were riding around our street on it together seeing as we could both sit on it comfortably.. And dad was watching us and told us not to go too far. We went down to the next street (he could still see us from the house) and we didn't know we had gone too far, anyway when we both got back up to the house he hits us both and makes us go inside, and then snaps the board in two and throws each half at us.

And recently I found out how exactly my dad ruined our relationship with my mum's side of the family (we still see them, but dad refuses to talk to them anymore). Turns out he and mum had a falling out the night before my baptism, called up mum's sister who was meant to become my godmother and told her it was off and hung up on her and then there was a big shamozzle and it ended in him basically telling my mum's family to GTFO.

And I'm sick to death of him sitting out in the garage every single day and night drinking beer and smoking. He just sits there, and whenever we go to ask him to come in, he just shrugs us off, ignoring us, even if we need him inside for something. He rarely ever co operates with me whenever I tell him mum needs him inside.

December last year my Dad had to go to Italy for a business meeting, and we decided that we'd make it a holiday seeing as the meeting was only for a few days, and since the flights there and back had a stopover in Dubai, we decided to make it a few days long. My family KNEW I loved Dubai and wanted to go there badly (well I'm always going on about the place). so anyway, we do a few interesting private tours and stuff which was awesome, but my dad was just a complete jerk to me. He just kept going off at me the whole time.

Anyway.. That's enough on Dad. Now for Mum's turn..


Mum - I used to love my mum. Now not so much. Since I told her I was gay she said she'd support me but I feel like she's doing everything she can to make me feel like I'm only confused. This has been going on for well over a year now!
Just.. I feel as if she can't accept the fact that I'm gay and she always centers things around her regarding it.
Just.. Everytime the gay topic comes up the entire mood between us will go sour.
That's all for her really.

And for my brother the same thing applies.


I'm really sick essentially of being a floormat. At school I'm beginning to gay flak for being gay again. I was called a fag (insultingly) for the first time in months the other day. Didn't feel good at all.

And every time I get remotely close to someone, it goes wrong. I was going to go out with someone recently and then the next day they cancelled, as well as making me feel like a real bastard. Going on about how I wasn't talking to "him" that night and that it was the "old" him and he wanted to change and shit like that.. So essentially it made me feel like a jerk.
This cute guy came out to me and gets a boyfriend before I could ask him out. Not major, but just made me feel more lonely than before..

I just want a hug most of all right now...

 

Thanks JBBB [hugs back]

I've tried talking with mum about it but she just shuts me down so I've really given up on her in a way.

 

I just re-read it and I've left out a lot of important stuff.. I was just giving a few examples but see, my dad will do these jobs late at night after sitting in front of the TV for hours on end, or sitting out in the garage drinking beer after beer, and then he'll come in and just be a complete douche.

When he calls me a "fucking queer cunt" it doesn't feel good at all.