Are you morally obligated to disclose your sexuality to a partner?

There are very few topics that romantic partners are obligated to cover with one another. We choose to disclose additional information with those who we are intimate with because an important part of creating a sense of intimacy is opening ourselves up to them.

Your sexuality might not be relevant to the dynamics of this specific relationship, but it is relevant to your identity, experience, past, perspective, etc. It is relevant to who you are as a person; and that is information that a partner should know for both of your sake.

 

I don't think you are if you're monogamous. I don't think I'd disclose my HOCD issues until it becomes relevant. Even if I do, I doubt most people would understand.

 

That's an interesting question. I honestly don't think there is a moral aspect, at least without any context. In my opinion, the act of letting or not letting the other person know itself cannot be considered inherently right or wrong and it always needs some context attached.

For example, letting the other person know with the goal of solely hurting them (implications about both the character of a person who lets themselves get hurt with such thing and the character of someone that does this, aside) can be considered by some as manipulative and wrong. In another case, not letting someone know could be considered an act of self perservance, thus right or at least not wrong.

I don't ever like to deal in absolutes, especially morality-wise, but I also can't help but think of the moral implications of some of the ways in which this kind of information can be used. I guess you could also say I'm a fan of moral relativism. So yeah basically there can be a moral aspect, but doesn't have to - there are just too many variables to tell outright.

 

I will give my answer with no justification as none is required: no, not if sexualities are compatible.

~ Adrienne

 

I don't think this will be a popular answer, but yes, I think it's an obligation. At least I'd feel guilty keeping something like that a secret. Yeah, you and your spouse will always have some things you don't share with each other, but I'd have a hard time not sharing something so close to the core of who I am and would be devastated if something like that were kept from me.

 

Well, I'd say it's your own choice, at any rate.

But I wouldn't keep that secret myself, and I would be upset if someone I were dating didn't tell me their sexual orientation or wasn't honest about it.

 

I would not say you are morally obligated, but I guess what I would ask is what exactly you mean by the term partner. To my way of thinking if you are thinking about someone in terms of what is your minimal moral obligation with respect to them--well you're not really partners any way.

 

Personally, I don't know if one is obligated or not. It is not a cut and dry answer. However, I will say that if the subject of your orientation comes up, you certainly shouldn't lie about it. For example, "how long have you been gay?" comes up and you are in a relationship with a woman, I think you owe it to them to explain you are bi/pan etc.

 

strictly my opinion of course; if it is a new relationship i think it is relevant and I/you should be up front about it if you are ready. if it is an older relationship and you are ready you should be as open with your partner as you are with yourself.

 

I think it's an obligation before making a firm, lifelong commitment to the other person - such as getting married or having kids with them.

 

If I'm dating someone and they don't disclose this to me I would think they were untrustworthy . Why would you need to hide that you're multi-sexual . I would think it would take a hold on you after awhile keeping your sexuality a secret, it reminds me of gays and lesbians who marry straights and never tell them .

I wouldn't want to date someone who couldn't be honest with me with their sexuality .
Because I always think if their lying about that , what else are they lying about .
Your suppose to be honest with your partners not lie to them or build your hold relationship on a lie how do you expect your relationship to survive if it's build on lies .

So what if you date this partner ,and they find out without you telling which happens that your multisexual and decided to not date you because they didn't like multisexual people anyway .
Is that more of an excuse to lie ?

Wouldn't it had been better first if you had told them and found out they were that kinda person in the first place and found someone else that was okay with and you could be yourself around .

This totally sounds like an excuse to lie . Oh some people don't like my sexuality so let me just lie to people I'm dating about it instead of finding someone who accepts me for who I am . Boo whoo

So you're just want to be walking on egg shells your whole relationships, and other as well playing I hope they don't find out I'm mutli-sexual game .

What if they run into people you dated of other genders what if they run into friends ?
I hope to God I don't meet people that are dishonest ,because I would be hell of upset ,and not because because their attracted to more than one gender but because they lied about it .

What even pisses me off the most and excuse me for this
many bi and pans people think all gays and lesbians are bi and pan phobic so so many of you label us bi or pan phobic so you think it's okay to lie to us and if you can judge us that hard without taking the time to get to know or not telling me the truth .
I say a person like this is not worthy of dating me if they can't be open and think well you're a lesbian you're just gonna be biphobic so I have to lie to you Like WTF ?

So I guess all of us gays and lesbian are bigots huh :dry: .

Sorry for get upset but not to long ago I had to deal with a bi woman doing this and saying she was lesbian because she assumed because I was lesbian I would be a" bigot "

If you build something know this that the truth will come out no matter how much you try to hide it I'm sick of people lying about their sexual orientation just because their scared what others would think .
Some of us gays and lesbians don't care if you like other genders the only thing we care about is if you like us so maybe instead of writing every lesbian (since you're a lady ) as a bigot maybe take the time to get to know some of them . It's kinda like how some of us take our time to get to know other bisexual women instead of pre judging them with the nasty stereotypes we heard over the years .

Being dishonest in a relationship shows lack of respect for the partner .
Signing off bigoted lesbian
Because I guess I'm a bigot according to this so I deserved to be lied to according to some bisexual people on here .:dry:

 

I have to agree with many of the others who've posted in that I do think a person is morally obligated to disclose such information, though, I'd argue it only becomes a moral obligation once the relationship has matured to a certain point. (I realize how ambiguous "matured to a certain point" is, but I'll take it for granted most of us have a good, albeit fuzzy, idea what that means. However, I would like to add that I don't think all couples progress to that level of maturity at the same rate. Some move fast, some slow; others practically start there, while others never get close. I'll leave it at that.)

Anyway, assuming the relationship has reached that point, I'd consider it an act of dishonesty by willful omission, which is every bit as wrong as a bald-faced lie. The only possible exception that comes to mind would be if we're talking about someone so nonchalant about their sexuality that it truly never crosses their mind to bring it up. But I'm skeptical anyone could really be disposed to such an extreme degree of nonchalance.

Moral considerations aside... I'm curious why anyone would actually want to withhold that part of themselves? What purpose does it serve?

 

I tend to be very pragmatic about these things. Once you are in a relationship, it is often a matter of trying to figure out what will do the least immediate damage. But if I were starting out a new relationship, reflecting on my life time of experience, I would really feel that if a relationship starts out with lies and secrets, it will always be filled with lies and secrets. what you're talking about would definitely be a secret. it only becomes a lie if you try to present yourself as something that you are not, which might be an unavoidable consequence. So I would have to ask myself, what are the reasons that I wouldn't want to tell this person. do I think that they wouldn't love me if they knew? then maybe I don't really trust them or believe that they love me. do I think that they would leave me, break off the relationship if they knew? than maybe I am really deceiving them. do I think that they would not really care, and would love me just the same, maybe even more for my honesty? then I should go ahead and tell them. I don't know all the dynamics of your relationship, but in a hypothetical non-existent relationship, I would hope that would be my line of thought. But then again, like I said, I tend to be very pragmatic about these things.
(&&&)

 

Chip hits it right on point. I would add that we are the real losers when we fail to be authentic. We are the ones who have to constantly put on the masks, to expend energy in pretending to be who we are not. We are the ones who always live with the realization that our partner loves the mask, but can't love us because they don't really know us. If we are to be free, we must be authentic. It's not about obligation, it is about freedom. Freedom from having to constantly live a lie. Freedom to be our authentic selves!

 

Assuming your sexuality is compatible with the gender of your partner -

I don't think I'd go as far as 'morally obligated', as I reserve this for things of the highest order. However, I would say that it's something I'd expect to know as part of having an open and honest relationship with my partner. I would take a dim view and feel somewhat betrayed if I'd been dating someone for months and I only then discovered they were bi/pan/gay/whatever, unless during this period they had been undergoing a period of turmoil and coming to a realisation or acceptance of it themselves. I would feel especially betrayed if I had disclosed my sexuality to them, and they hadn't done so in return.

This doesn't mean it has to be announced in a formal way, but if the topic of sexuality came up (which it would do as I'd bring it up), I would expect them to speak honestly about what they felt their sexuality was or the gender(s) they have fallen in love with (if they don't adhere to labels).

I wouldn't expect to be told on the first date (although it can be useful if it is), and of course some people may not know or still be on a period of discovery. But after a few dates I would expect them to be honest about where they were with regards their sexuality at that point in time. In the early stages of dating, this could be covered very briefly by a sentence, but as time went on I'd expect to share coming out stories with them etc. If I say "I'm mostly gay" I'd expect my dating partner to disclose their sexuality, unless they don't know it.

If I were dating someone, I'd try and ensure they knew my sexuality probably on the second date or near the end of the first date if I felt confident. This is particularly so because of biphobia. I'd try and do it casually.

I think there are exceptions, however. For example, one of my friends identifies as straight, although she once had a crush on a woman. To me, this indicates that she has the potential to be bi or is bi, but she's in her 30s and this was a single crush and she identifies as straight - and I think she will probably always live as straight. I don't think she would necessarily need to disclose this single crush from years ago to a partner BUT if the topic of sexuality came up, if I were in her shoes I would disclose it.

If a partner didn't disclose this information to me, I'd want to know why.

 

@ OP I'm glad to know that you will disclose and don't feel the need to keep it a secret but as my post I did not say all bisexual women when i used many I didn't mean all and I was just talking about the woman I met and a few comments I read here .

 

Oh, that's interesting; I didn't even consider that. I guess I was assuming our person was aware of, and comfortable with, their sexual orientation. At any rate, with your second case, I'd still fall back on my original position: He/she is morally obligated to disclose such information, provided the relationship has reached a certain point. The first case is just too murky to take a position one way or another.

I think this is really beautifully put, Wildside, although I disagree with most of what you said before and after - namely, that we're the real losers and that freedom is the issue at hand, not moral obligation. If we're talking about a serious relationship, we have to keep in mind that a partner is committing as much (if not more) time, energy, etc. to a person as is being returned to him/her. The real loss, then, doesn't belong to the person who willfully wore the mask but the partner who discovers the object of his commitment was, at best, a half-truth and, at worst, a charade.

Anyway, all of this has reminded me of something a family friend told me when I was younger, "A true friend is someone that is willing to risk the friendship in order to do what is right." I think the same applies to a committed relationship.