I feel like I want to leave this somewhere for someone in my family to read.. In other news, it'd make my day so much better if someone took the time to read all this (it's pretty long, a little over a thousand words) and let me know how they feel about how I feel. I've had a rough night. :icon_sad: (Disclaimer: I'm not suicidal or in a bad state of mind, I just need some comfort, I've been under a lot of stress lately. Thank you.) "For a while now I've been trying to look where my future will be. It really scares me that my realization is that I can’t see myself in five or ten years. Of course I can see myself working a job or going to classes; I more so can’t see where I’ll be living or who I’ll be loving. I’ve been thinking a lot about death and what it really means. I am an atheistic humanist so, deep in my heart, I can’t believe in a god or other higher power. A part of humanism is to love people and caring about their well being, so humanism has wholehearted values. With that said one of my biggest fears is letting people down or, even worse, people hating me. Now I do understand that I can’t please everyone, but my family and close friends are near and dear to my heart. I never wanted to let anyone close to me get hurt by my motives. All these points are coming to some conclusion that I’ve been fighting off for a long time. Some people have troubles finically or with school, but I’ve been really battling myself over things in my life and mind that clash; cognitive dissonance. I’ve been trying my whole life to make the people around me happy, at my expense most of the time, and it’s not that I’m fed up with my loved ones in the slightest bit, but I feel that there’s a break at the bend and I need some compromise with those I love with how I live my life. Albeit I know there are some loved ones who will love me no matter what I choose to do with my life, just as I do for them, there’s things that I need that I feel in my heart won’t settle well with some. As I said previously: I desire to please and satisfy all my loved ones with unconditional love and support, but I feel like now I really need to start living my life how I need to. With this all said and going back to my first point: where will I be in five to ten years? I guess it reals boils down to the choices I make now. Will I end up with a wife, a great job, and a beautiful house? Will I end up dead by some unfortunate turn of events? Will I end up homeless and begging for change so I can get a bottle of alcohol to numb myself from the harsh reality? On that note, will I be addicted to drugs? With how I’m living and the fact I don’t even feel like I have control over my life, I wouldn’t even be able to guess where I’m going to go from here. This is really because, yet again, my nature makes me feel obligated to let others dictate my path in life. I feel like I should have that choice and with how I’m living, I feel like I have those options, but I’ll never have a choice. If any pity or remorse is felt for any of the points I’ve written are felt by any individual reading this, I’m going to assume you’re someone who holds me close to their heart. That or you’re a very empathetic person. It really hurts for me to disappoint you with admitting the truth of the matter is that I’ve been living a lie. I can go into detail about all the facts and make the situation probably more hurtful or stressful than it has to, but it really just comes down to one fact: I’m a closeted homosexual. When I had realized that I was gay, not going through a phase or trying to fit a mold to be something different or cool, I was only about fifteen years old. Now for anyone who doesn’t realize this, sexual orientation and romantic orientation are two different things. Sexual orientation is the genders of human you want to come into sexual contact with and romantic orientation is the genders of human that you feel “love” with. With this being said, I guess, hypothetically, I’m not actually “gay”, because I’m actually sexually attracted to men and women. The real picture falls onto the romantic orientation, which I’m sure at this point you can see where this is going. I’m not romantically attracted to women. I’ve tried time and time again to feel that feeling that I’d get when I’m with a man I was interested in. I’ve had sex with a woman that I had thought I was in love with. I’m pretty sure I confused the feeling with friendship and because of that I lost her friendship because I couldn’t love her like she loved me and I resented her for that. I lost one of my best friends because of it. She did nothing wrong and I fucked it up. Furthermore, my real point is where my romantic and sexual orientation meet. I may think women are sexually attractive, but that’s where it ends for me. On the other hand I’ve felt undeniable love and sexual attraction to men, so in essence I feel like, in turn, I’m gay. It is not a choice and it’s a part of my chemical makeup. It is who I am. If I didn’t have to use the word “gay” I wouldn’t. I would just say: “I am myself and I am into men” and leave it at that. For reasons unknown to me, other than ignorance and prejudice behavior, homosexuality is looked down upon. If people could rid themselves of prejudice, the world would be a much happier place, but I know that as long as there’s a difference from person to person, there will always be a handful of those who can’t love people who are different from themselves. This, to me, is ignorant, because every person is different and should be loved because of that. In conclusion, I want to start living my life despite the homophobes and other prejudice persons. I want to find someone who will love me and that I could love back. I want to be open about myself to the ones I love and the ones I will love. If you have read this, please consider in your heart to accept me as I am and let me love you with my whole being and not just a part of me. Let me live my life."
I had a couple typos and errors in this, but I typed it relatively fast. Sorry about that if anyone reads it.
I don't know if leaving such a long note around the house would work. I'm pretty sure if I did it, no one would really read it, they'd just skim it quickly. I'm really sorry being closeted is taking such a toll on you, and I guess you are ready to come out (or dying to come out). Just know that you're right, you shouldn't live the life others dictate for you, but live your life. You want what everyone wants and deserves. Are you afraid they'll react badly, or is it something else holding you back? Maybe you should consider coming out to someone you're not related to first, as training (someone you know won't react badly).
Read and absorbed every word.. including the typos. In all honesty, it's a very moving letter that you have clearly put a lot into and I'm not going to sit here and pick it to bits, because it doesn't need it. If I read or received that letter I'd give you a big hug and tell you to live the lfe you want and be the person you want to be. I hope whoever reads it will react in the same way. Thank you for sharing. (*hug*)
Thanks. I know my time is soon to come out and I just need to build up the courage to do so and I feel like writing is gonna help me do so.
You seem to show a lot of strength and conviction in your writing. I don't think that any of the possible negative reactions you receive, in real life, are going to be able to knock you back as much as you fear.
This is the kind of thing I need to hear right now. I almost came out to my best friend last night, but I felt like, due to me being intoxicated, it wouldn't be taken seriously. One step at a time.. :lol:
It is very well done. You make a very clear point and lay down the details in a matter-of-fact manner. It is very concise and easy to understand. Hopefully your family will understand it and accept you with open hearts and arms. Blessings.
Very beautifully written and very easy to understand. If you're going to leave it for your family to read you should probably leave it in place you're sure they'll see or leave it the the family member's room. Or you can just hand it them and wait for their reaction? I tried do something like this but I would not have been about to muster something as eloquent as your letter. So I chose to just tell the few people I've told in person. Maybe you can do a combination of the 2, that way you can answer any questions that they may have and you can make sure they read it completely.
