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Coming out to parent with mental illness & addiction

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by oneday, Jan 1, 2015.

  1. oneday

    Regular Member

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    Hi everyone,

    I am wondering if anyone here has any experience in coming out to a parent who has a mental illness and/or addiction? Or if there are any resources or books that I can read that will help? I am a 25 year old. I came out to my Mom over a year ago through a letter and had also addressed it to my Dad, although she withheld it and hid it from him. She has made me promise to not tell my Dad and wait it out. She thinks it's best if he never knows, due to his cyclical depression, being an undiagnosed bi-polar, having anger issues and bouts with alcoholism. She believes this news would destroy him and she would have to deal with the fall-out, as they still live together and are married. I come from an extremely conservative Christian family with tons of intolerance.

    My Dad recently had some major surgery and a near death experience. As a result, he has become extremely depressed again and unable to cope, taking pills and alcohol to self-medicate. He refuses to get help and does not believe he needs it, so we are forced to live with his issues. He is extremely self-destructive and also makes light of discussing his ideas of suicide. In his stay at the hospital, he joked about his suicide plan with the nurses. Not sure why no one is taking this seriously.

    I have a long-term boyfriend of two years and I am tired of living a double life with my family. I live in a different city but still call weekly and visit monthly. Needing advice on how to come out or whether it is appropriate to ever come out to my Dad, considering his issues and the fact that my coming out will likely push him over the edge. I feel guilty for being unfair to my partner but also feel stuck.
     
    #1 oneday, Jan 1, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2015
  2. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    This is a really tough situation, and my heart is with you. What would you hope to see as an ideal situation if you come out to your father? It sounds like you don't see him very often, but would you like to be able to make those trips with your boyfriend? Whether you come out to him or not, you can always bring your boyfriend along for your visits. But still, it sounds like you really want to live openly and honestly, a great thing! Considering all the issues he has, I wonder if this one issue really would push him over the edge. Of course, if he is really homophobic, but if he is so religious then he wouldn't really be considering suicide, I would think. Like all of us, he sounds like he is a sea of contradictions. I don't have the same experience, but my instinct is that it is always better to be honest. I don't know if you can talk to his doctors about it, maybe you could call them. but I would rather hear it from a doctor than your mother, who may be codependent (not uncommon in spouses of alcoholics) hang in there! (&&&)
     
  3. oneday

    Regular Member

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    Thank you so much, Wildside, for taking the time to read my post and share your thoughts and advice. I really appreciate it. :slight_smile: It is a difficult situation and most friends do not know all the details because I feel bad for burdening them and often times, they do not know what to say in response. So it is nice to get some input. Again, thank you.

    I feel like there is really only two choices: #1: Not tell my Dad and cut off communication with my family or #2: Tell him and risk having a huge fall-out and having communication cut-off with my family by their own choice. My moving out of the home almost two years ago still haunts him, as he is extremely controlling and wanted me to stay in the same city, so I would imagine coming out would cause an even greater blow-out. He is in many ways a toxic parent, as it is like I am parenting him and he depends on me for emotional support at all times. Never the other way around. My sister has had to hide her boyfriend of five years from my parents because of their controlling ways. She is 23.

    Thanks Wildside! :slight_smile: I am hanging in there and doing my best each day to not let this get me down.