For those of you who are out to everyone but family, how did you handle it? Do you worry about things getting back to your family somehow, or is it not an issue for you? I'm out to my closest friends, which is great! They've all been very accepting and supportive. I feel like the next step is to be just generally "out" in town, in that I just am not hiding it anymore. I don't plan to or want to have deep discussions with all my acquaintances or send them all letters if it can be avoided. Coming out on Facebook is not an option because I have a lot of family who are quite active on Facebook. So I am thinking when I feel ready I'll probably just drop hints, or take opportunities in conversation if they arise. It may be awhile before that happens, but at this point I'm also not worried if people (other than family) find out or figure it out, either. But, I worry that things could get slipped online somehow as I let more people know. It may just be paranoia talking, though. I've tweaked some facebook privacy settings already. I've asked my close friends to be discreet and not tell anyone else, but I feel like asking every person I meet to do that will be awkward and cumbersome, especially if I'm just trying to casually slip it into conversation. So, what are your experiences? Am I overworrying? How have others handled this stage of coming out?
Your concerns are the very reason why I've not come out to more of my friends. Because I'm not quite ready to deal with the drama that might ensue in my family and church spheres, which broadly overlap with Facebook, I've kept quiet towards people whom I suspect I could trust, but who also have a propensity for friendly gossip. With that said, I'm eager to read and learn from other people's responses.
I definitely understand. I don't anticipate a good reaction from my parents or relatives, at least not initially, and I'm not feeling confident enough to deal with that just yet. However, I live in a pretty liberal town and I'm fairly sure the people I know by acquaintance/less close friendship are all open-minded and won't be bothered by my sexuality. I just want to be able to talk openly with my friends, regardless of who is in the room, really, as often there are others around outside the core group I am out to at the moment. It is a tricky business, though, if you're still trying to control that information. The more people who know the more likely it is it could spread to those you don't want to hear it.
I came out to many people at my school before coming out to my parents, and I wasn't too worried about the information getting to my parents. Most people didn't care, and my close friends knew not to tell my family members. Even now, I'm not out to my grandparents and other somewhat more distant relatives, and my parents and sister keep it secret and avoid mentioning it when they're around.
Well I don't know if I'm much help here at all but I can share some of my experiences which may help some of you, but I don't know everyone's family circumstances are different. I've been a lesbian my whole life.... I had my first girl friend at 5 and these relationships evolved like heterosexual relationships do throughout the years. At about 14 I had my first love. She was awesome but hey my glasses are probably some what rose tinted over the years. I decided I wanted to be out n proud n have the whole world know how much I adored her. I didn't come out to my parents but I had my hair cut short at the time like Alex parks, I was out at school so my brothers probably knew and I used to walk around my village kissing her n holding hands in public. I then asked to sleep over at her house... My parents banned me from this and gave me a full blown lecture on how disgusting being a lesbian was. The sex life and the treatment in society etc. So... Making a long story short I tried to make myself straight to please my parents. 8 years of married life, 2 kids and a divorce later and here I am debating the same question you are... I want to be out, I want to start accepting myself for who I am because I can't stand hating myself any more. I'm a lesbian and despite all my best efforts, there's nothing I can do about it. I want to be able to talk to my friends about my feelings and just generally be open with them... When I got married I did so in secret, being the rebellious person I can be... But when I eventually confessed this to my parents 5 Years later they were heart broken.... I don't want to do that to them again because other than my coming out... They are great and I love them to bits.... But coming out to them after the first experience I had of trying.... I just don't know. Lies tend to eat away at you from my experience... So the choice is hiding who you are and dealing with the constant guilt and paranoia that comes with it or coming out... Having a dramatic scene and then slowly moving on. But I know that's easier said than done. I wish I could take my own advice on this one but I'm just too chicken sh@*. Lol but I hope it helps some of you out.
Well I don't know if I'm much help here at all but I can share some of my experiences which may help some of you, but I don't know everyone's family circumstances are different. I've been a lesbian my whole life.... I had my first girl friend at 5 and these relationships evolved like heterosexual relationships do throughout the years. At about 14 I had my first love. She was awesome but hey my glasses are probably some what rose tinted over the years. I decided I wanted to be out n proud n have the whole world know how much I adored her. I didn't come out to my parents but I had my hair cut short at the time like Alex parks, I was out at school so my brothers probably knew and I used to walk around my village kissing her n holding hands in public. I then asked to sleep over at her house... My parents banned me from this and gave me a full blown lecture on how disgusting being a lesbian was. The sex life and the treatment in society etc. So... Making a long story short I tried to make myself straight to please my parents. 8 years of married life, 2 kids and a divorce later and here I am debating the same question you are... I want to be out, I want to start accepting myself for who I am because I can't stand hating myself any more. I'm a lesbian and despite all my best efforts, there's nothing I can do about it. I want to be able to talk to my friends about my feelings and just generally be open with them... When I got married I did so in secret, being the rebellious person I can be... But when I eventually confessed this to my parents 5 Years later they were heart broken.... I don't want to do that to them again because other than my coming out... They are great and I love them to bits.... But coming out to them after the first experience I had of trying.... I just don't know. Lies tend to eat away at you from my experience... So the choice is hiding who you are and dealing with the constant guilt and paranoia that comes with it or coming out... Having a dramatic scene and then slowly moving on. But I know that's easier said than done. I wish I could take my own advice on this one but I'm just too chicken sh@*. Lol but I hope it helps some of you out.
YuriCore- Thanks, this is exactly the sort of thing I was hoping to hear about. I'm glad it worked out well for you. How long were you out at school before you decided to tell your parents? And why did you decide to come out at school before you told them? wolfhazel- Wow, I'm really sorry things have gone so poorly for you. I didn't know I was a lesbian at age 5, at age 31 I'm still sort of figuring things out. But to have yourself denied like that by your family sounds very difficult. I assume you're an adult now, and can do as you wish with your life, but I definitely understand that coming out to your family again after that first incident sounds very very tough. Maybe you can start with some trusted, accepting friends? As for me, I don't intend to hide this from my family forever. I do intend to come out to my parents, and my brothers at the very least. Extended family may be more complicated, but I don't see them very often, either. I just expect some push-back from them and I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with that. I'm not totally secure in my label yet, for one, and feel if I give them any indication I might be open to being with a guy they will focus on that and force that issue. I also feel like they may invalidate my sexuality all together and tell me I'm wrong or confused, or even more simply, they might get upset and angry about it. Because of that, I want to wait until I feel more confident in my self and my feelings before I tell them. I feel like I need to brace myself for impact. Part of me thinks I may need to be with a woman to be absolutely sure, though I'm hoping that thought will pass as I don't know when that will happen.
It was quite easy for me. My parents don't pay attention. Nor do any of my friends know them. I'm still extremely careful with any hints that I'm gay. My voice helps because according to people. "I sound straight". I'll probably tell my family that I'm gay when I move out.
Just a few months. People at school encouraged me to come out to them. I was more comfortable with telling people at school because I knew that if they reacted badly (and I was pretty sure that they wouldn't anyway) I could easily distance myself from them. School's a big place; I don't have to be around people who don't like me. At home, I'm completely stuck with my parents. And I was quite worried about how my mom would react. Coming out at school produced a lot less anxiety and prepared me for coming out to my parents.
I intend to come out to my friends next weekend, actually, but I'm waiting on my family until I'm financially independent. I have the added bonus that I go to college far enough away to make my college life and home life entirely separate. I'm not concerned about the news getting back to my family, though I'll have to be careful on Facebook. I have my privacy settings locked down pretty tightly, but I do have a lot of family there.
NotSoLoneNeko- Glad it is working out for you! Are you worried about how your parents will react when you do come out? I just ask because you say you plan to come out only after you move out. Did you specify to those at your school who know that your parents don't know? YuriCore- That makes a lot of sense, thanks! Aspen- That's great, good luck with coming out to your friends . I'm financially independent and live in a different state from my family and relatives, so it's really only online that they could get wind of anything. The issue is my parents are extremely weird about Facebook. They scrutinize everything. I know this because I've witnessed them doing it to my brothers' posts (to the point where if they don't know what they are posting about they have a big discussion and will look it up). I've also gotten into arguments with my father about things I simply "liked" on facebook. That's why I worry, I suppose. I guess I'm fortunate I'm in the position that I no longer rely on my parents for support, and don't live with them. I think what this is more about for me is not feeling emotionally ready to deal with coming out to them. I am not good at arguing and especially with my father I just tend to cow to what he says to end things. I don't want to end up being pushed back into the closet, or losing hold of the little confidence I've started to gain.
