I live in a flatshare with my male ex-partner and other people. I am out to my ex and my friends, but not to my flatmates, whom I don't know well. I keep my sexuality to myself at home and let people in the flat-share assume that we a straight couple, I don't see a reasons to inform them otherwise. I've always dressed the same: androgynously, neither visibly butch, nor femme. I have dated men in the past & always thought that people did not assume me to be anything else but straight, or bisexual, which sometimes annoyed me, but which also gave me some form of comfort, it made me feel that I could choose to only come out to people I've felt comfortable with. Turns out it is not the case anymore. Somehow, despite never letting people in my flat know, one of my flatmates found out that I am gay. How, I don't know. It could be overhearing me and my ex talking, or just from the way I acted. I've realised that he knows just after some conflict started brewing between me and him, and in the process it turned out that he is a nasty little homophobe, and I heard him shout in his room 'f*cking lesbian'. I've informed my landlord of course and he intervened: things have calmed down since the guy only has 3 weeks left on his contract. But somehow it made me realise that I am not as safe and inconspicuous as I have assumed to be. Somehow people can see that I am gay and I don't know how to act anymore for it to not be obvious. I am proud to be gay, but I also don't feel like being visible amongst people who don't make me feel comfortable, because I dread being exposed and vulnerable amongst hostile people. Being in the closet somehow felt safer, because I knew I was hiding my true self & I knew if I received hostility it was at my at my outward/protective self. Coming out made me feel vulnerable, because I cannot hide now. How do you cope with feeling exposed/vulnerable? Heteronormativity is so burdersome.
Well he already knows you are a lesbian, so in all honesty your not fooling anyone but yourself by hiding in the closet at this point. In this situation you are going to have to own your sexuality so that he knows that it isn't your vulnerability (after all, he is only making lesbian comments probably because he knows its a touchy spot of yours). Once it appears to not hurt you anymore, he'll more than likely stop. Don't let the asshole have any free fuel. You could maybe even turn the tables on him and EXPOSE HIS nasty hate bias to those in the flats and maybe he'll feel some shame. Its tough but you got to do what you got to do. If the comments elevate despite owning it then he is truly a grade A homophobe that you, lucky, have your landlord and the law if he does anything to you or your stuff.
This dude's an ass. Don't give him the time of day, your attention to him only fuels his fire. You're out and proud, so just be you and forget his crap. I never, however, encourage revenge because revenge is a double-edge sword. But anyways, good luck to you. Best, bpc
Gosh....i hope everything goes well...i just can't believe how crazy people are it makes me worried I've read alot of stories similar to this and its almost unbelievable how people go out of there way to harm others cause of who they are its 2015 for gods sake..ive been living in my own world to much I guess
also remember that some men (not nice men by any means) will call "lesbian" any woman who they want to insult or degrade, and especially any woman who stands up to them. any woman who is in the least bit assertive, in their mind, is a "lesbian." so while he is no doubt homophobic, this may be more a reflection of his misogyny.
