Questioning if coming out was even worth it. It was my best and worst decision.

I am glad to be out, 6 years in the closet was far too long. However, if I knew it would lead to where I am now, I might not have done it.

It will be a year this February since I openly started questioning my sexuality. In this past year, I have started questioning, went to a weekend church retreat a week after I started questioning, load and behold it was lead by an ex-gay speaker, just my luck. I refused to ever go back to my church after this. I came out to my best friend, roommate at the time and was my boyfriend for a few months, a month after I started questioning, came out to family a few days later. Most of friends and all of my family (who knows) have been supportive, yay.

A month after I came out, I started to seriously question my faith, when I started this, I complete shut down, I didn't want to do anything besides lay in bed and cry.

I hated and still do hate that Christianity and being Bi clash so f:***:king much. I ended up using my cross to hurt myself one night, I am still really ashamed of that. My best friend had to sit and watch me face the hardest battle of my life, do I stay a Christian or not. I ended up losing my faith on May 18, and til this day I am so upset about that.

There is part of me who wish I never came out, if I never came out, I would still be a Christian, still be able to attend church and still have the faith community, but no I am not allowed that because I decided that I wanted to be true to myself. This is why I don't like putting myself first. I make a decision, and I have to pay for it, I can't just be happy, I have to fight and suffer and go through hell for months and years, just to experience a little bit of happiness. It f:***:king suck, and it is too late now to even change it, I am too far in to it. I know I will be happier person when this is all said and done with, but did I really have to lose everything that I identified with to get to that point?

 

I don't even believe in God anymore. When I needed him the most he wasn't there. I prayed for everyday for over a month for his help for a sign for something, and there was nothing there.

The thought of going to church scares me. The closest possibly accepting church appears to be a little over 10 miles away.

 

We can call it that, yea. I am mourning, mourning the lost of my faith, of my community, of the sense that there was something more. I feel so small and alone since I lost my faith. I know I can improve and become a stronger person, I just haven't yet. I'm scared to make the last step because that means leaving the last little bit of comfort zone I have left behind and starting completely new.

Thank you Greatwhale.

 

I tried to keep my faith, I did but I couldn't. I didn't help myself by getting involved with a church that was less than accepting. My beliefs from being pro GSM to being a universalist were wrong. I was told that universalism was offensive Christianity.

Thanks for the link