So I just got accepted to university, and I am really excited. It was not my first choice as I really wanted to move out-of-state, but it was the best choice as far as money goes. Anyway, some friends and I are planning on living off-campus together. I'm really stoked because they're really cool and I like them all a lot. However, none of them know at this point that I'm gay. I've already gotten my acceptance letter, and the others are expecting theirs any time now. Things are really starting to move along. I feel like I really owe it to them to let them know before we get into any kind of agreement together. Am I worried? Well, a little... I am the president of the Young Democrats and they are involved with the Young Republicans. One has said that he is pro-gay marriage, so I'm not worried about him, but the other two have never said anything about it. Nothing positive, nothing negative. I am completely in the dark as to their views on homosexuality. So what do you guys think? Should I discuss it with them now, and risk being outed to my school (which, frankly, I would really rather avoid), or should I just let everything take its course? I plan on being pretty much out in college. But I think I ought to at least see. I mean, I don't want to impose my company on those who don't want it, and I surely don't want to be in any kind of crazy living situation with them.
Tell em. No use beating around the bush. If you don't tell them now, you will have to live with them knowing they don't know. If you ever have a partner this situation will come up again but most of all, you can't be your gay self around them until you tell them. Your chances of keeping it from them during Uni are very slim even if you tried, so do it the right way at the right time and save the drama.
It's up to you when you tell them. I wouldn't feel overly pressured, but it would be a good idea to do it soon. That way they'll have time to get used to the idea before you go off to college together. It's really up to you though. You won't necessarily be outed at Uni, but it will be harder to keep from them.
It's pretty hard to find any non-religious college of any size in America that isn't at least tolerant of homosexuality. So college should be fine. As far as your friends go, I'd say tell them. There's a few ways to go about it. Are you all planning/assuming you'll have your own separate bedrooms? Then work that angle. When discussing your new place, say "I promise if I bring a guy home, I'll keep the bedroom door shut." Or if you're not going to have separate bedrooms, again, work that angle. "Will any of you totally freak out about rooming with a gay guy? I don't want to make things uncomfortable for you." Doing it in a way like this not only lets them know, but reassures them that you're taking their (possible) concerns on board. Lex
You're friends. They have willingly agreed to live with you. You're not going to be 'imposing your company' on anyone. They enjoy your company otherwise they wouldn't have agreed to live with you. However, I can totally understand you wanting to tell them for your sake - so that you won't have to worry about what they 'would think' if they knew. So do it for you, not for them. If one of the guys is supportive of gay marriage, I'd start with him. He'll likely be fine with it. As Lex said, you might as well put it like it's a fact, and you're assuming it's not a problem for them, but thought they should know anyway. Don't make it a big deal, because while it is a big deal for you, it shouldn't be a big deal for them.
Thanks, everyone. I think your plan is good, Lex, 'cause we will all have our own rooms. And actually one of the guys' girlfriend is supposed to be living with us too... dunno how that'll work out, but that's another issue. And Jim, I think you're right too. We have all agreed to live together and whatnot, but still it is pretty nerve-racking. For some people it's such a huge deal that it can break a friendship all together. I know, these are not the type of friends I need and all that, I really do, but that still doesn't make it any less daunting a task. Again, thanks for the replies, guys.
I would say tell the pro-gay marriage one and then ask him to drop hints at the others and gauge their views
You want my advice? DO NOT EVER live with people you consider friends from high school. I cannot tell you how many times you will regret this. And as a freshman...live on campus. You may think I'm nuts, but this is how you make most of your friends you keep with you for the rest of your life. Lie low your freshman year, only tell those you feel comforatable with...if that. Only tell your friends if you want, not because you think you should or they "deserve to know" that has gotten me into more trouble than I'm willing to admit! This is just my view, take it and do what you want with it...I just figured I had a different view than anyone else who has posted so I should let you know another option.
I appreciate your opinion, MLCarr! But at the same time, these are people I want to be friends with forever... which means that I think I ought to be honest with them now. I guess the way I'm writing it it sounds pretty bad. But it's really not as bad as it seems; I feel my priorities are in order. I want to tell them not because I feel obligated to, just because I want to be out. And I feel like if I'm going to be out while at college, they should know sooner rather than later. Because I don't think it's fair to anyone for me to try to be a different person at home than I am when I'm out.
