Hi everyone, This is my first post to the forum and I hope I am posting in the right place. I would really appreciate some insight into how I am feeling right now. First a bit of history... I have always been confused about my sexuality, since as long as I can remember. When I was in my teens I was sexually involved with another boy the same age and felt incredibly guilty about it but also enjoyed it very much. We met up on a regular basis but as we both got older we lived seperate lives and moved on. I pushed these experiences to the back of my mind and continued my time as an emotionally awkward teen, dramatically convinced I would never meet the right person to settle down with. When I was 19 I had my first girlfriend which was somewhat of a long distance relationship, meeting each weekend. After about 5 months we were engaged and a year or so later we had bought an apartment together. After about 3 months the relationship collapsed. There were no big arguments, we both just had to concede it was the of the road for myriad of reasons. Once all the financial issues had been resolved (makes me realise how naive i was), I was single until age 25. I had no motivation to begin dating girls again in this time but eventually most close friends convinced to start putting myself out there again and "move on". I began online dating and within a few months met my second girlfriend. It never felt right...ever. I was cowardly and didn't end it when I should have done. The relationship lasted approximately 6 months before I had built up the courage to end it. After that point, I had convinced myself that I was happy alone. Now I am 26. A close friend of mine confronted me, asking if I was gay. Months before, suspicions were raised when ****** was seen on my phone. I wasn't actively using it...just looking at the time, afraid with how to proceed. I brushed it aside and said it was nothing and it went away, though I'm sure conversations among friends were had. I happened to bump into the guy I had been with in my teens and we became sexually involved again recently. I have since come out to 3 close friends and my mum. It hasn't been easy. For some reason I can't escape a feeling of being afraid if I am wrong? I am excited to be exploring relationships with the same sex (I have been on a number of dates and suddenly the dating scene seems exciting again. I actually care about the conversations I am having rather than going with the flow.) I keep thinking, what if I suddenly feel differently? What if I meet a girl I become incredibly attracted to? I shall end it now as I am probably rambling on. Thank you to those who have taken the time to read this.
So what if you do find a girl you are attracted to? Really, so what? Enjoy life. Don't worry that some pointless label will force you to stay in some box. If you are enjoying your dating life right now, then just relax and enjoy it. Tomorrow will take care of itself. I have come to believe that every ounce of fear surrounding our ideals of labeling ourselves is based on what we perceive other people will think and how we feel we need to conform to those labels once they are established. ......of course, based on everything you wrote, I don't think that "attractive girls" are going to pop up in your radar.
I have to agree, I have had thoughts that I might be wrong too. Do not worry it will work itself out. But what does it matter if you are happy with the person you are with regardless of their sex.
Sometimes we need to give ourselves the space and freedom to simply 'be'. You can reflect on those relationships with the opposite sex and maybe come to a realisation that the fundamentals were never there for you, in comparison to what you have now, but why go there at all? Why devote emotional energy to it all? When we question ourselves and over analyse the past and present it can stop us from experiencing and enjoying relationships and leave room for creeping doubts to take root. Far better to accept what you have and give it your all. Do this and you will likely see the doubts subside as real love and affection is given the room to grow.
