My mother, younger sister and I went to my friend’s house for a party and the Disney Channel was on and there was a commercial with all their stars. I said “Demi Lovato is better than the Jonas Brothers” but other people heard me say, “Demi Lovato is hotter than the Jonas Brothers”. My friend’s little brother kept repeating it and laughing about it even though I told him to stop and generally was his obnoxious self, which wasn’t too bad until he told my mom. She replied with “Well I really would hope that he doesn’t think the Jonas Brothers are hotter than Demi Lovato.” If this wasn’t bad enough, my mom thought it was very amusing and she kept repeating what happened even though I told her it needed to stop. I think the worst part is, up until now I hadn’t heard my mom say anything negative toward gays so I was planning on talking to her. The other thing that is really bugging me is that I thought that she might already suspect that I’m gay so me telling her would be letting her know that I accept myself. The thing is, how could you think that your son is gay and then just blurt out a comment like that? So the things that are going through my mind are “she doesn’t love me because she knows I’m gay” and “she doesn’t love me because she doesn’t care enough to know that I’m gay or would just be offended by her comment”. Four people that I have come out to told me that they knew before I told them and I’m very close to all of them; which is why I told them first. I thought I had a pretty good relationship with my mom and that she would love me and care about me no matter what, but now I’m not so sure. My friend and her mom think I should tell her because she doesn’t know what she said that made me upset and they think that I will feel better after I do it. But I’m not ready for the possibility that my mom will tell me that I’m not a good person or whatever she might do. I didn’t want to tell my mom first out of my family even before she said what she did. I really want to talk to my older sister because she is a really amazing person and I know that she loves me and stands up for me if I need her to. The problem is, she’s at college and although it’s not far away at all, she doesn’t come home very often. I really need to talk to her but I’m not sure what I can do to get her to come home. I tried telling her that I miss her and I want to talk, but not over the phone and she just said ok then but hasn’t tried to call me asking if I want to talk. I hate feeling like I have to make an ultimatum to get my sister to come talk to me, but I’m wondering if that’s what I’m going to have to do. But will it be worth talking to her when it doesn’t seem like she wants to come? Sorry for my ramblings, please give me any suggestions you have for any part because I really don’t know what to do. This is my second or third night this week of crying tears of frustration and helplessness and I just need some reassurance and answers. Thanks guys.
Aw. I'm sorry. Well I'm not trying to bring you down but I'm just going to be honest. I came out to my mom and I wish I had kept my mouth shut because she hasn't made anything any easier probably harder if anything. Not that she's making insensitive comments or treating me any worse but I think that she thinks something is wrong with me in the head or something because she wants me to see a psychologist for what reason I can't recall because I was in too much shock that it was blowing up in my face and too frustrated that she wasn't listening or comprehending what I was saying and she just kept harassing me when I just wanted to drop the subject. But anyway;; life was easier when I was keeping it secret. I thought that I was going to be able to breathe easier when I told her, not quite the case. But at least I know she still loves me and she says she'll support me but I'm not going to bring up the subject because it's just one of those things I would rather not talk about with her. : ) I would just wait (I wish I had). You have 2 years left before you're on your own and you won't have to answer to anyone. Oh and if you have major self doubt before you decide to tell her, you probably shouldn't tell her. I didn't listen to the voice in my head unfortunately.
The thing is, I wasn’t really that worried about how she would react before, I just still feel weird bringing up the subject because nobody in my little town talks about the fact that some people are gay. But now I’m wondering if she would accept me at all. I really want to talk to my sister because I usually feel better after talking to her. I trust her and I think she loves me as much as I love her and she could help point me in the right direction. But I haven’t talked to my sister and I don’t know what to do. I know that I have to wait and come out when I’m ready, but I wonder if this is as ready as I’ll ever be. Plus, like I said, my friend and her mom think I should talk to my mom. My friend’s mom feels weird knowing when my mom doesn’t, but I feel better about telling her and knowing that she cares about me. I know that if something does happen with my family situation, I have somewhere to go, and people to talk to. I feel different at my friend’s house; I guess safer would describe it. At home I wouldn’t say that I’m in an danger, but I don’t feel loved or like I belong, but I do at my friend’s house. I feel like I was born into the wrong family, and that the people who say they’re my family aren’t and my friend and her family are.
I think you need to phone your sister and tell her directly that you need to talk to her face to face and ask her when she can come home to see you or if you can go up and visit her. She may not realise just how important this is for you. As for your mum being homophobic, a few silly comments made in a light hearted manner when she doesn't know for sure that you are gay does not constitute being homophobic, a little insensitive maybe but not homophobic. One of my biggest worries after I found out my son was gay was not to say stupid things that I meant lightly but that he might take the wrong way, so try not to be overly sensitive to comments which are meant to be lighthearted.
Yeah, I agree with Louise. The comments just may come from her trying to be funny they weren't necessarily homophobic. If you can't get your sister on the phone or home, how about sending her an e-mail? She might make the effort to call or come home if she knows the seriousness of the issue.
I would agree that second-guessing what people say or why they won't come home to talk to you doesn't do anyone any good. Don't read more into your mom's comment than you should. She was out in another person's home and said something that was pretty mild. You can't assume she knows, and you can't assume she won't be supportive. Simply tell your sister that you have something important you want to talk about, and you want to do it in person. It's that simple. Good luck!
not positive. but it kind of sounds like the case i had with my mom. Long version: Once upon a time. in a land of plastic (california) I'm flamboyant to the Nth degree. Few people were even remotely surprised when I came out. And most of my family suspected as well. But from the time I was about 16, anytime my mom saw someone gay on TV, or in public, she would call them fairies, or say something stupid that made me afraid to tell her. At one point, around the time I came out at 17, I decided I was never going to tell her. She was just too close minded and it never needed to be done. But then, in summer, 2 months after I came out. Still 17. My parents moved to south dakota, and I didn't want to go. So I stayed behind and started living on my own. So, when i went for christmas to visit them, I figured I had nothing to lose, considering if she was disgusted, I could just as easily go back home and forget it all. So one night, after we had a nice time shopping. We were eating pie at a resturaunt. And I decided it was a good time to tell her. I was kind of quiet and she asked what I was thinking about. I gave her the roundabout and then finally, I was like, "I'm gay" and shoved pie in my mouth. Short versiong: When I told my mom... She laughed at me and told me she already knew.... -_- I told her about how I was scared, and she said, she only said those things, because she was trying to get me to retort and defend gay people and tell her I was. But she knew all along. I guess finding my porn and the fact I like pink and hello kitty stuff were big giveaways. ;x
Thanks guys. I realize I probably was overreacting before, but I’m just so afraid because everyone in my family has been really distant lately and I’m afraid my mom won’t accept me. I don’t get along with my dad or younger sister who still lives with me so making things awkward between my mom and I is something I want to avoid. I also realize that having my family’s acceptance isn’t worth it if they’re accepting an emotionless robot, but I’m still scared. My guidance counselor brought up the possibility that my mom said that to make me defend homosexuals, but I pushed that away because it sounded so horrible. It might not have been such a big deal if it had happened at home, however; I was surrounded by people and I got so frustrated because I didn’t know what to say without coming out to all of them. I’m ready to talk to my older sister and almost ready to talk to my mom, but I’m nowhere near ready to tell other people. My mom has never said anything like that before and if she was doing it to make me want to defend gay people and out myself then I cant help but feel manipulated. I will tell her when I’m ready, and I almost told her already I just wasn’t sure what to say. I called my sister and she said that she might be able to come over tomorrow to talk, which is good. I’ll be glad to be able to talk to my big sister. She might be able to help me figure our why my mom said what she did and the best way to talk to her. I know that if I saw this post by someone else I would tell them that they should talk to their mom, and even though I know it’s good advice, it’s my advice and I find it hard to take my own advice. For right now I’m just planning on waiting to talk to my sister and then taking it from there.
I agree with what most people are saying. I don't think that, as of now, you should question if she was being sarcastic or mean about her comments. Definately let your sister know, having her reaction (which you anticipate will be positive) will help in giving you the confidence in telling your mother. If you have your sister come home, tell her, and tell her that you want to tell your mother.. perhaps your sister will help you, help is ALWAYS a good thing. Good luck! Take care.
Well I told my sister today. Actually I couldn’t find the words to tell her so I just said I want to tell you something but I don’t know which words to use. After a few questions she asked if it was a 3-letter word, I just nodded. Then she asked if it started with the 7th letter of the alphabet, to which I nodded, after thinking the alphabet in my head, haha. Then we just talked about how it’s fine, it’s going to be really hard, but other people have made it through so I can too. We talked about how my parents will take it, the best way to tell them, and how to best deal with a bad reaction. I feel better knowing that she knows and she told me that I could come to her if I need something. She also said that she could help me tell our mom if I thought that it would make it easier. When my sister dropped me back off at home I wondered if I should ask her to stay so I could talk to our mom, but I decided against it. I’m not ready to talk to my mom so soon after telling my sister. I have to let the idea sink in that my sister knows, loves me anyways and will always be there for me. I haven’t decided how long I’m going t wait before telling my mom, but I know that I’m waiting until I feel it’s the right time for me. Thanks for your support.
Congrats on telling your sister! I'm glad she was so accepting and helped you out with your situation. Good luck with your mother!
