Thoughts/Opinions?: 2nd Draft Of Coming Out Letter To My Grandma

Like the title says, this is the 2nd draft of the coming out letter I plan to mail to my Grandma. I've changed up some things for clarification purposes as well as things based off the comments left on the 1st draft. Please leave your thoughts and opinions below. Anything else that needs to be changed? Maybe reworded? I'm open to any CONSTRUCTIVE criticism you may have. Thanks!!


Dear Grandma,
I know this form of communication might seem odd to you but I also know that both of us enjoy reading and writing so I figured instead of stressing myself out even more and attempting to tell you in person that a letter would be best. Let me first start off by saying that I am perfectly okay. There is no problems with my health or anything of that nature so you don't need to be concerned. I do however ask that you read and reread this letter just to allow the information I'm about to share to soak in completely. I don't expect you to contact me right away I expect you to take a few hours or even a few days upon reading this letter to really try and see where I'm coming from. This letter may cause a great deal of anger, disappointment or even sadness and I don't want you jumping into a conversation with me right off the bat before you've had the time to regain control of all the emotions you're bound to feel.
I've gone back and forth on whether or not I should even attempt to write this letter and to whom this letter should go to. I decided that you would be the best person to tell first. I feel as though we have a much greater connection and much greater understanding of each other then any other one of my family members that I have. Because you are the first person I would ask that you please keep this letter between me and you. I will tell everyone else when I'm ready but for right now I'm only ready to tell you. I don't want you to feel as though any of what I'm about to say is your fault. I don't want you to feel like you failed somehow in raising me. You raised me like I was your own and you treated me so well and loved me so much. This is NOT in any way your fault I promise you that regardless of how you raised me I would've wound up the same in terms of this situation I'm dealing with. I have combed through every possible outcome and reaction you could possibly have to this letter and it has tore me apart doing so. I have stayed up for days on end stressed about this very thing. I also know that religion is a somewhat important part of your life and I would ask that from this point on for you to keep as open of a mind as you possibly can.
I suppose now I should reassure you that no matter what I tell you in this letter I can promise that I am still the same brown eyed, crazy, loveable, kind hearted, person you know and love. This letter has no bearing on my personality and in no way has what I'm about to share changed me in any way shape or form. I suppose now would be an appropriate time to stop beating around the bush and just spit it out. So here goes nothing.
I'm gay. I'm a lesbian. I'm however you would put it when a woman is only attracted to other woman. I'm not quite sure if you've already had some kind of idea that I was or not but I'd like to think that you did to make this a bit easier on myself. No, this is NOT a phase and this is NOT something I chose to be. I'm not sure why I was made this way but it was in no way a choice of mine to become this way. This is also not something I suddenly decided. I didn't wake up one morning and say to myself "Hey, I think I'll be gay today." I've struggled for many many years to come to terms with my sexuality and my journey to self-acceptance is no where near finished. I still have trouble looking at myself in the mirror and saying it. Most of the time I have to whisper it to even be able to choke it out. Another thing is no I haven't known I was gay since the moment I was born but that doesn't mean that this is just a temporary thing or that I'm following some sort of trend. This also has nothing to do with the fact that I haven't had a boyfriend in quite some time. I know that many times I have tried to tell you how I felt and every single time you told me "Just because you haven't found the right guy doesn't mean you like girls." I will never find the "right" guy because my attraction to guys is directed towards only having a friendship with them. I can't imagine myself being with a guy later on down the road. I can imagine that with a girl though.
Since you know I haven't always known this you're probably wondering when I first started really truly thinking I was. So, lets start from the beginning shall we?
I think deep down I've always known that I wasn't quite the same as other girls. I never really liked getting dressed up or wearing make up or talking about boys. I know that those factors aren't really true to all lesbians but for me they were. I never really knew what it meant until eighth grade. In eighth grade I did have a boyfriend. I didn't really have an attraction to him like other girls in my grade had to their boyfriends. I saw him as more of a friend then anything. I tried to be intimate with him but kissing him never really felt.. right. I always felt like I was kissing my brother or something strange like that. I thought that maybe it was just him but when I tried dating other guys it felt the exact same as it had felt with him. At first I thought that it was my age or maybe my maturity but eighth grade year my life did a 180.
As you know, I joined a church my eighth grade year. I met this girl at school and she was the pastors daughter. She's the one who pushed me into joining. That Wednesday her dad picked us both up from school. We had youth group and had to go and pick up all the other youth group members. The pastor's daughter's name, for the sake of privacy, lets call her Mary. Anyways, Mary had been talking about how we had to go pick up this girl, again for the sake of privacy lets call her Jane. Mary said that Jane was very shy and that she wasn't really a people person until you got to know her. Jane got in and sat down next to me and I immediately got nervous. I thought that I was just being modest when I was thinking to myself how pretty she was but soon I realized I was in fact attracted to her. Her and I immediately connected. It felt like we had lived the same life because of all the things we had in common. The closer we got the stronger my feelings for her got. I finally felt the way girls told me they felt around their boyfriends. I got the butterflies in my stomach and the sweaty palms. I got antsy and couldn't help but smile every time she walked into the room. However, I didn't know what was happening to me and I thought that by telling her how I felt she'd help me understand. She was after all my "best friend" at the time. Needless to say I was wrong. She quickly distanced herself from me and a couple weeks later I was called into a meeting with the pastor, his wife, her, and all the youth group leaders. For nearly an hour they talked about how my feelings for her were wrong and how the devil was tempting me into things that I needed to repent for. By this time I was in 9th grade and was broken up with my boyfriend of nearly two years. I was so heart broken when I would come to church for weeks after that discussion and all anyone would talk about is how homosexuality is wrong and how the people who were homosexual would burn in hell. I couldn't believe that a church I had been attending for a little over a year would say such hurtful things to a girl that didn't even know how to deal with what she felt. I lost Jane as well. She was the only person I trusted at that point in time and I had no one to turn to with what I was dealing with. I slowly began believing what the pastor and youth leaders had said. I thought that I was the biggest freak in the universe and that I was going to burn in hell and that I was allowing the devil to control how I felt. Even though I believed them I still couldn't shake the feelings I had no matter how hard I tried. This caused me to fall into a very deep depression. I began delving into a dark world full of self harm, self hatred and even suicide. I planned out and attempted my own suicide several times as a result. It wasn't until I met the girl I'll call Margaret that I began to get better. I was now nearing the end of my tenth grade year and she was a new student. I once again had that strong connection much the same as I had with Jane. I told her initially that I was bisexual because I was still to afraid to tell anyone I was gay and she confided in me that she was bisexual as well. We were friends for months and eventually I began to feel towards her as well. I told her and I was absolutely terrified that the outcome wouldn't be good but we wound up dating. It lasted for literally a day and she broke it off. She began to get really angry with me all the time and eventually we stopped talking. I couldn't understand what I had did and then I realized that when she told me she liked me she was just telling me what I wanted to hear. A day after we split up she was dating a boy. Now, I don't want you to think that every girl that has come into my life I've suddenly fell in love with. I have had plenty of friends that were girls and have never once thought about them as more then friends. But again, just because I don't fall in love with every girl I meet doesn't mean I'm not gay. After Margaret was out of my life I once again fell into a deep depression. I didn't have anyone to turn to because I had invested all my time and energy into her and had no other friends left. I became suicidal again because I didn't have anyone to talk to. I felt so alone that dying seemed like the best option. And then I found a show called The L Word. This show followed different woman and they were all either lesbian or bisexual. They all had to deal with their own issues and lives. This was the first time I had seen a show that focused solely on lesbian women and I was hooked. I slowly began to realize that I wasn't alone and I began pulling myself out of the hole I had dug myself into. I began to accept the fact that I wasn't straight and that it was okay. I still couldn't bring myself to tell anyone though. To this day I haven't fully accepted my sexuality but I'm on a path of self acceptance and I walk a little farther down that path each day.
I know this isn't necessarily the ideal kind of future you had in mind for me. I grew up being told I'd find a prince someday and marry and have tons of children and live happily ever after. Obviously I won't be finding a prince but my future can remain the same in other ways. I still plan to have children and I still plan to get married. The only difference is I'll be with my princess not my prince.
I'm sure this has come as a shock to you and once again I would encourage you to take some time to let all of this soak in before you contact me. I am here waiting and wondering what is going through your head and I'm looking forward to answering any other questions you may have. Please feel free to give me a call when you're ready. I love you and I hope to hear from you soon.
Love always,
B