Hey Guys, Yesterday I came out to my brother over phone by saying "I like guys.." It did not go smoothly at all. I was crying while talking to him. My brother is 29 yo, living in USA since 7 yrs. Initially he said like if you like guys you have to leave India and move to USA. We will get you married to guy as I said I am worried abt social marriage with a girl n all.. It brought tears of happiness in my eyes..... BUT... it was just a stupid sarcasm... As largely expected for an Indian, his views were somewhat predictable.. like - you have to forget it.. don't you know where you are living.. you are so much educated.. how can you think of such things.. does anyone else know.. etc.. He also suggested to talk with my dad right away, BUT I am not at all ready. I need some time. What hurt most - when I told him that 2-5% people are different..he said "They are not human beings".... :icon_sad::icon_sad: I can sense it was just because of his anger and may be I should wait for next call.. Somewhere deep down I don't know - I am questioning myself .. - Can I forget it.? Can I try.? - Is living life truly going to give me happiness.? Looking forward to hear any comments / advice for going further... P.S. Despite being Kinsley 5-6 person, I am still not able to say "I am gay, and I like it" to anyone including myself in mirror. And for now, I prefer saying that I like guys...
First of all, don't let your brother make you feel bad about yourself. Liking guys is just a different preference, and there is nothing wrong with liking something different. Those who oppose you for being gay aren't worth it. You need to surround yourself with people you enjoy being around, and most importantly, people you can trust and are accepting of you. As for your questions, you could try to forget it, but that would be like pushing yourself further into the closet. And it's most likely that you will not forget it. And yes, living life will give you happiness. Accepting yourself, being around people who accept you, those things will make you happy, just don't listen to what others say about you, don't make liking guys a negative thing for you. Good Luck! Stay you~(*hug*)
I'm really sorry to hear about your Brother's response, but I'm pleased you decided to share it with us. We are here to help and offer support. (*hug*) You put a lot of faith and trust in your Brother and he really didn't reward it with the kindness you'd hoped for. Whilst it's true that he may need some time to adjust to the idea and process his own thoughts and feelings it doesn't lessen the hurt you have experienced. Please tell us about your feelings in more detail, if you need to. Your Brother did touch upon the idea of leaving India and moving to the United States where attitudes are (in some places) more tolerant. Although, he followed it up with more depressing and rather stupid comments, his initial thought did make some sense. How would you actually feel about the idea of relocating? Is it a possibility for you? You can't simply forget and nor should you. Suppressing our thoughts and feelings is never a good idea - in fact, it makes things much worse, when we do. Please don't try to do that. You joined this forum for a reason, and I hope it was to gain some love and support from like minded people. When you have that in place, it can (potentially) build your self confidence and give you the tools to journey on towards self acceptance and coming out. It's not always a quick or easy process, but when you have other people to talk to and turn to, it makes a huge difference. So don't push your feelings aside... talk to us and get support. You don't have to say you're gay to be gay. If you are able to admit that you like guys it amounts to the same thing, so don't concern yourself too much with very precise details. You are making progress and you can be happy.. in time. This conversation with your Brother should not extinguish your hopes and dreams. Don't allow it to happen.
I'm so sorry It is so painful when your own family says things like that. I wish he could realize you were trying to open up to him about something very personal. Please try not to take his words to heart. He may be your older brother, but you are wiser than he is because he has never had to stop and question the things that lgbtq people have to. Your life is absolutely worth living and you will find happiness. Please try to stay positive and hopeful. Things are changing.
I am sorry for the way your brother has reacted. Give him time and hopefully he'll loosen up some. In the mean time all you can do is try to live your life and be happy. It's not an automatic process, but it seems as though you are on your way. As Patrick mentioned, you may want to consider the United States, or England. Both are generally very tolerant, both have large Indian communities, and both have the potential to allow you to live happy and honest to yourself. That being said, there are places in India with a decent gay community where you can date and be yourself as well. I dated an Indian guy this summer and I work for a Gujarati family, I understand the cultural differences, but I also know there are gay people everywhere, and you can find the right guy regardless . The difference is, society as a whole can be much more accepting in much of the west. Please do tell us more about yourself, and remember you can come here anytime. There are great people here that can help you along the process of coming to accept yourself and coming out to others when you feel you're ready. Message me anytime, I'm always happy to talk . (*hug*)
Thank you friends for your concerned and supportive responses. I am really thankful . (*hug*) EC has really provided me faith and courage in myself. Really, there are great awesome wonderful people here.. (1) I am really not going to feel hopeless because of him. I hoped that even if he doesn't understand the matter, he will at least be open about it considering I am his younger brother who had to go through a lot of pain and mental stress before opening up to his caring sibling. But yes, I have to be prepared with what is predictable response for a "normal" person. They are always going to tell that it is a mind matter. You can control it. You have to change it bla bla.. As for my feelings, I did felt sad from his responses. How can my brother tell me directly/indirectly as inhuman. I can consider his anger but without even discussing with me in length, all I heard from him was "you have to forget it".. I have to be strong in myself and consider the society where I am living. It is going to be painful journey while coming out to each and everyone. I can't imagine coming out to my parents and what if my mom cries in front of me. It will be the toughest moment for me and I don't know whether I will be broken or not. It has been almost 48 hours and I am waiting for his next call. I am not sure whether I should call/message him or wait for him. I don't know whether there is anything going in his mind or he is simply considering this matter as something not important. I really want to talk about it in detail since he is my sibling and I hope he would listen. For now, I am just waiting and hoping for a call.... (2) As for the idea of relocating - I am just clueless. I honestly am clueless. I will be completing my MBA this May and hopefully I would be joining some IT Consulting company but I don't know whether I can make any plans for relocating now. I don't know whether I can get a job somewhere just like that. I have not actively thought about it and I still don't know whether I can do it now. I doubt whether I am LATE in everything... I gave importance to stay in India for being close to parents. I could have got many opportunities of moving to US, for MS/MBA/Onsite - but I did not pursue any of it since I am fine with staying close to parents and may travel abroad for my work if required. But relocating to another country was never a consideration. Now at this juncture, I don't know how everything could be planned out. I am already almost 25 and finding a partner is also something I should consider. I am confused between prioritizing things like - coming out to parents, being in relationship, relocating right now, joining corporate now and relocation later, I probably will join a job and come out to parents in a year and then probably I can think about other stuffs. Right now, I am just clueless how I can & whether I really should relocate.. Will be happy to receive any comments from anyone.. I am a Gujarati from India and at present I am blank yet faithful about finding the right guy! What you have said is indeed going to give me more hope. (*hug*) Indeed, great perspective! Thank you Patrick! (*hug*)
Well I am sorry to hear that. Main-stream opinions in countries like yours do indeed tend to be different than in the West (I would like to say "backward" but it's not like they know any better, so that's not really fair). Are there any resources available to you in India? EC is a start, and I'm sure you could find more local forums. What's really unfair is that you have to search for a balance in your life that other people don't have to; you can stay in India if home means more to you than being accepted, or you could leave in the opposite case, but no one should have to choose between making such sacrifices, and finding a balance between the two is no doubt next to impossible, but there must be some way for you to find happiness. In the mean time, good luck with your family, though I would suggest trying not to anger them any further, as that could cause more grief for you than it's worth. Just take it one step at a time, it may take years, perhaps a decade or more, but there are ways for you to get through this and come out the other end in good shape. Best of luck.
Yeh, there are some associations in India with whom I had connected through Phone. EC is a very friendly forum with wonderful people.. Regarding finding balance in my life, I am afraid I will never be able to find it..... Coming out - as in a lifetime process, I don't know if there is any way I can come out the other end in anywhere near good shape.. It seems that it is always going to be tough.. The future seems scary.. :help:
Hey Vicky I am from India too and I totally understand what you are going through. It may seem pretty possible for your family to tell you to "forget it" but you know its not right? Here in India they could just force you into getting into an arranged marriage I mean its much easier for a gay guy to end up with a girl here. But do you really want to enact a role your entire life? Think of it decades of enacting a role? Whom are you doing it for? The society? Do you think they care? They may mock you at the most shun you away. do you really need people who aren't going to like you for who you are ? I don't think so! Well coming to parents they would say its wrong and you would want to do it for their sake. But you know that there is no truth in what they are saying. If they are basing it on religion then do some reading - Hinduism is NOT against homosexuality. Infact it embraces diversity, it is much less rigid than what the society portrays it to be. Oh and if they tell you that its a sin to live with a man then do tell them that according to the smritis its a sin for a gay man to marry a woman. So what's the point of forgetting it and trying to live in an unsatisfactory relationship? And in time when your parents see you happy they will eventually embrace it. You know the Hindi film dialogue, turn up with a loving partner and kids if you want kids and they will accept you and if you are in a mission to please the society let me tell you that it's impossible to do that, they are going to find faults no matter what. So do you want to really live a life for someone else specially when what they are asking for is baseless!
That's great, Fighter694 . I am not sure how many Indians exist in this forum, glad to find someone Regarding parents, I don't think they would be basing it on religion, but rather they could be basing it on the social environment we are living. It is scary to imagine a gay couple in such environment and it seems scary to imagine that scenario where my parents have to face because of me.. I know how much difficult it was to break down the parts of individual sexuality & social hetero-sexism. My parents are 60 yo and I don't know whether & how they can come to terms with this part of me. I love them a lot and I would really hate myself to put them under this condition.. :tears::tears:
vicky90, coming from the same Asian mindset of family first, I think I understand your POV here. If/When I do come out to my parents, I get the feeling that they'll always be my parents no matter if they reject me. I don't think any of us wish to ever break from our family, and this is the hard part of coming out, to anybody, not just people of Asian descent. May I ask if you've considered relocating you and your parents? It doesn't just have to be you if your ties to your parents are that strong. If the social environment in India is hostile towards families with gay members, then maybe it would be best to just relocate the entire family. As for your brother: he's your brother. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we say hurtful things. Next time he calls, tell him how he made you feel. I get the feeling that he's just acting as the big brother, and is scared for you, as well as looking out for you. You yourself mentioned the social situation in India. As a big brother myself, I can't imagine my little sister coming to any sort of harm, and would do pretty much anything to prevent that from happening. Regarding the Kinsley: you aren't the only one. I can tell myself in the mirror each and every day that I like guys, but I can never look myself in the eye and say that I'm gay.
Well I understand Vicky I am 20 and came out to my mom , she said I am confused and put forward a lot of ignorant reasons as to why I am under the delusion that I am gay. This was during my finals and the stress with this emotional trauma triggered an OCD in me, somewhat like hocd difference being I m scared of becoming straight. anyway so through the OCD I've figured many things- the most relevant being you can't let your family's imagined sexuality of you get the best of you. Many fundamental concepts are wrong here and you need to uproot yourself from this mindset to come to terms with your sexuality. I would suggest you start living for yourself first as you have a future ahead. Your parents will eventually understand they just want you to be happy. But take it slow and break it to them gently coz you said they are in their 60s.
