At A Loss

This one is going to be a bit of a long post. Both for venting and the explanation of my situation in hopes I can get some good advice. After being here for a short time, I can tell that there are a lot of trustworthy people here and I've felt very safe in being here.

As a lot of my friends would know, I have been having extremely hard times lately. I won’t go into detail about that, but my life has been completely changed in the last couple years. Last year has been the worst of my life since I was 8. I’ve been struggling with extreme depression and the urge to just kill myself lately and it won’t go away. It is due in part to what I am going to say. It’s all very new and I am having trouble accepting myself as it is. I have nowhere else to turn.

There are a couple things you have to know about me before I go on. I suffered through 18 years of depression. I managed to beat it for a couple years and in light of everything, I wasn’t able to stay strong. Now it’s worse than ever. I was abused (not by family) and molested for 8 years of my life on a daily basis. I’ve suffered through phobias and I’ve actually gotten over those. I have PTSD and other nasty things following me around. And all through it, my mom has been extremely supportive. We are extremely close. I don’t mention my dad because he has never understood depression or anything revolving around it. Which makes what I am going through right now even harder.

I am incredibly easy to guilt and it’s something I’ve been working on for a long time. And until about a year ago, I was very easy to push around. Some of that still messes with me. It’s messing with me now. I need help. I need advice. And not the kind that goes ‘screw what other people think, be who you want to be!’ because that doesn’t help me. That makes me think you don’t know how social interactions work and that you might not love your family like I love my mom. I’ll be using her as an example, but this isn’t all pinned on her. She’s just the closest to me in my family and the best person I can use to describe my situation.

Anyways. I am asexual. Under the umbrella, anyways, but it’s a mouthful and I don’t care to go that deeply into labels. During my time of being not depressed and allowing myself to discover and accept things, I found that out. So, let’s say about a year ago. I was excited. Finally something fit me. I understood and it was refreshing to know that people around me feel the same way. So I went to tell my mom. I thought she would accept this. She did not.

I was surprised. Because she has always been the one to listen and love no matter what. But this time, she told me a very classic line that I am sure you know all asexuals don’t like being told: you haven’t found the right man. You’ve been through a lot. Just give it some time. And the one that baffled me the most: You never know.
What do you mean I don’t know? You think that I do not know how I feel and how I’ve always felt? That was the first time I told her that. The second, she just didn’t seem like she believes that asexuals exist. She did not take me seriously and does not take me seriously. Especially the constant talk of ‘my kids someday’. I’ve tried to steer her towards ‘adopted kids’ because that is the only way I am having them. (For a different reason that is the heart of my problem, but I felt that this is worth mentioning) And I feel guilty over it. Like this is not what she wanted and that is why she is talking like this. Why she won’t believe me. She wants grandchildren and I feel like I am failing her by fitting in with what she wants. I know that is incredibly stupid. But I have always felt like a disappointment. Because of my stress disorders I have never been able to have a normal job. Because of my crippling depression I have never had the drive to get on with my life. Be what they always want me to be.

Which brings me to what I want advice on. I feel like the trust on serious issues about myself like asexuality has been broken. I accept that I am asexual. But in light of recent events, I have found out that I am genderfluid as well. It explains so many things and how I’ve always felt. And that scares me. It scares me because I don’t think I will be accepted. I don’t think anyone in my family even knows what that is. I was born female, but I have always leaned towards being male on a daily basis. There are times when I want to be a girl and I want to be pretty. But the majority of my time is spent in a male mentality. And I feel like that won’t fly, but I also can’t live with myself not being who I am around people any more.

I have been so close to suicide this last while that a few weeks ago, I started cutting myself and I couldn’t stop. It took 19 cuts to my arm until I had to go and inform someone; and before that, I was going to cut my neck. I didn’t. But I wanted to.

Before you tell me to come right out and say it, I have good reason to be scared that they won’t understand or that it will be trivialized as being asexual or will be seen as an ‘excuse’. Identifying as asexual is less important to me because it doesn’t effect my day to day life. They can’t force me to date or have sex. But they can guilt me into being something I’m not. It’s complicated that way. I realize that they’ve been doing it all along without even realizing it. And my grandma? Hardcore Christian. She would never understand. And she lives with me now.

Here are some highlights that I hope will help me get an informed answer.

-My dad has always called me ‘Princess’ and I’ve hated it. I’ve hated it since I was a very small child and thankfully I have gotten him to mostly stop.

-This point is strangely very important to me and has been killing me for 3 years nonstop. About 3-4 years ago, I shaved my head. Bald. It was for Cancer benefit since my hair was long enough for a wig, but I also wanted to do it for me. I never felt so wonderful. I literally can’t describe it. I have never been comfortable in my own skin. And when I shaved my head, it was magical. I felt so good. I felt comfortable. I felt confident. I loved it. It meant so much to me. I could cry right now thinking about this. And you know what? Everyone in my family hated it. Comments mostly included how it wasn’t ladylike. And a whole lot of begging me to never ever do it again. That hurt me so much. It’s not like I looked terrible with it either. People I didn’t know often commented that it suited me and it made me so happy. But then there were the people who counted. Saying that people would assume that I had Cancer or that it wasn’t normal. So I let my hair grow out again. I worked up the courage to mention it last year because ever since then, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. My dad especially hated it. Not your beautiful hair! He would cry. So I haven’t done it again. I sat down for a serious talk with my mom and I told her I wanted to do it again and she sighed and shook her head. She said that I shouldn’t and like before, begged me not to do it. Please don’t do it. I explained that it was awesome and she told me that I can’t go to any functions looking like that. It’s not for girls. She doesn’t want to walk around with me shaved. I said I didn’t care. She said that I have to care. That sometimes I just have to do what society says. I was so upset. I’ve pretty much been crying over it ever since. Because I can never be happy in my own skin. I can never be as happy as I was with my head shaved because my family cannot stand it when I do it. I told her I cried. She told me I was way over-reacting. She grudgingly told me to do it if I want. But she was clearly disappointed. Very disappointed. And I already knew what everyone thought. I didn’t want to talk around in my own house feeling like a pariah and causing them stress. My hair is past my shoulders now. All I get are compliments from them about how nice I look. I don’t feel nice. I wear a clip all the time so it holds it up. I hate it.

-I can never wear the clothes I want to wear. I talked about having a phobia before, if you read that part. It was a phobia of people. So whenever we went clothes shopping, I always had to have someone with me or I’d panic. I managed to get rid of that phobia. But my mom usually comes with me since we both hate shopping and she gets her shopping out of the way when I do. But the feeling I had before of panic and despair didn’t stop when we went clothes shopping for the first time since I was okay. I was confused. I didn’t know why. Now I do. It’s because I feel wrong in women’s clothing. And my mom is always pushing me to get this or get that and it’s girly. We always fight about it. Always. And it’s always been this way. I hate feminine clothing. I hate wearing it. Save for the occasions when I want to feel pretty and girly, like I said. Which is not often. But it’s never good enough! When I want to wear something to a family meeting or an outing or a special occasion, I have to look to HER dress code standard. If I am wearing something too boyish, she will tell me to put on something ‘nicer’. Pick something more feminine. Pick some thing nicer. And we proceed to fight about it. I don’t want to, I say. And usually this is before we leave. She always wins. She always says ‘do it for me’ or ‘please don’t stress me out, wear something nicer’. And I comply. And hate myself for the rest of the evening. It’s always. ‘I don’t care’ from me and ‘well I do’ from her. She doesn’t want me looking like something else. The ‘something’ varies from time to time, but it’s always the same argument.

Of course these aren’t all the things I have gone through or experienced. We’d be here forever if I listed them off. These are just what stand out in my mind the most at the present moment.

I know I should not let anyone control me like this. And it’s a step I am still trying to make. But when it’s someone you love and care about as deeply as I do, I want to make them happy. I’ve been protecting them instead of myself. Hurt me instead of them. It’s always been that way. I never even implied I had been abused until I was about 20 years old. I have always just wanted to be what they wanted me to be. I want to make them happy. But this is where I have ended up.

I am so scared. I don’t know what I would do if I wasn’t accepted. But I also can’t continue living like this. I can’t continue letting myself be pushed into wearing clothes. Or putting on make up. Or keeping my hair in a style that makes me feel like dirt.

So how am I supposed to come out? Do I just sit down and try? Do I keep this inside of me and try to keep going? I am going to therapy in a couple months for everything that has happened in the past couple years alone. So don’t worry, I am seeking help. But this is so painful. It’s been painful for a long time, and I didn’t know why until very recently. And I don’t blame them, particularly. Because they don’t know I’m genderfluid. They don’t know that they’ve been pushing me into things. That is why I am scared that this will be seen as an excuse. To get out of doing things my gender should be doing.

But the truth is I have never been exactly cis female. I never played with girl toys. I never wanted to do girl things. I don’t want children. I don’t want to be a girl most days. I wish I could have my uterus removed or altered. Unfortunately they don’t do it this young. And my mom always says ‘don’t do it because you never know’.

But I do know. I’ve always known. I just didn’t have words for it and now I do. I’m tired of being shamed. I’m tired of fighting. And that, I suppose, is why I am suicidal also. I’m tired. Exhausted to the point where nothing means anything to me except for this pain that I’ve always lived with. I’ve always felt like a burden and I’ve always felt guilty for not being what was expected.

Please help me. I just need some advice. Some assurance. A kind word. I don’t really care, whatever you can give me. The three friends I have come out to have been extremely supportive and I am so grateful for that. But experiences are different and I was hoping that someone out there who maybe has gone through the same thing or is going through the same thing could talk. I don’t know.

I don’t really know what to expect from this. But this is me trying to reach out. Thank you for reading.

 

Thank you for responding, I appreciate it.

It's very hard to not get tired of fighting. I've been fighting all my life and not a whole lot has changed. There are multitudes of other factors dragging me down apart from needing to come out of the closet.

As I had stated, I will be seeing someone in a couple months when everything settles down here. (We're in the middle of a move, so now really isn't the time to be doing extra things as time is sparse already.)

I did manage to talk to my mom. She had no idea what all of this meant, but she was willing to learn, so it was encouraging. She still hates that I want to shave; but she accepts it. I am going to go in as soon as I can. At least that is a stress off!

Unfortunately, I am pretty suicidal. I don't think that will be changing any time soon. Being around people and my pets help, though. I know it's not worth it. There has been suicide in my family before and I have seen the results first-hand and although I am tired of having so much pain, I would never want to do that to someone. That is why I don't see myself going through with it; but it doesn't stop me from wanting to on most days. It definitely sucks. Hopefully that will be something I can work through when I go and get help.

 

It's alright. Thank you very much for reading. And it's nice to hear from you again, too. c: It was a very difficult post for me to make. There is so much frustration and hurt and just general whirlwinds of emotion all over the place.

I hope so. She's very important. The entire reason I ended up coming out to her recently was that she said she could see that something was wrong in my eyes the last while. And she demanded to know. I wasn't ready and I tried to run from it, but she made me do it. I don't regret that. At first, it was more of the same. With her thinking that with the abuse I suffered, that this was a result. And maybe it is, but that doesn't change who I am. Or how I've always felt. Though she accept, she didn't really believe if I knew who I was. She said she wasn't sure if I did. It was kind of offensive. Like she knew better how I felt than I. In the end, she just agreed to do some research to understand. And she told me that it didn't matter. She would support me no matter what I thought or felt. So that is encouraging. My journey of coming out still isn't done; as I have yet to address it to my dad. (Who happens to be homophobic, unfortunately) and my grandmother (who is very Christian and I don't think she is going to support it). So it is still quite the stress. But one step at a time, I suppose. My mom offered to help, at least.

I have never called a helpline, no. There's really no good excuse for it other that I am scared to do so. I usually take to my best friend who has been through this sort of thing as well. She's always available and can usually talk me down save for that one time. I know I should consider calling during those times if it is urgent. I just haven't had the courage to.

 

It was. She told me that no matter what, she has always been and always will be my number one fan. I appreciate everything she said and I realize that I am probably more sensitive on the matter than I should be. It's just a point of being so vulnerable and struggling about identity. I think you are right about that, though. I've never doubted that my mom loves me. My family has always been very good to me and that has always been something I am thankful for.

Exactly. There's been so much up to this point and there still is. I'm not the way I am simply because of coming out, that's for sure. A lot of the things that have happened to me have caused severe trust issues. Mostly in real life. I used to have a phobia of talking on the phone and some of that fear sticks with me whenever I slip into depression. I've luckily mostly got over it- but one thing I have always been able to manage and do is to talk to people Online. I think that is where I have always been the most comfortable. I have never experienced having to call someone for that before. It is encouraging to hear that the volunteers are good. I have always been scared of getting someone who didn't really care, you know?

Thanks though, me too. I've definitely learned that talking is better than keeping things inside. Which is why I am glad for this place. It definitely encouraged me to take a step and consider telling my mom.

 

I have been considering coming out to my cousin. We grew up together and she is very much like a sister to me. Other than my mom, she has been the most supportive person in my life and I trust her. It's still really scary, but that isn't a bad idea, I don't think. I don't think she'll know what this is either. No one seems to, lol. At least the people I've talked about it with.

Thanks for the advice, Geroni. c: I am trying my best. It's just very scary.

 

All I can do is my best. I don't feel like that is good enough most of the tie, though. I know I am very hard on myself; but I've never been able to help it. I am feeling a bit better. I am going to try coming out to my cousin today, I think.

Tough times last sometimes, lol. 2 years of really terrible things and counting. It's been very exhausting mentally.