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Fear of being out in Alabama

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by firetamer, Jan 10, 2015.

  1. firetamer

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    First, thanks to everyone for making this a safe place for discussion. I was raised and currently live in rural Alabama. I'm gay and am very lonely, and would like to make new gay friends and try to find someone that I can connect with, but this could be a problem. I live in the woods and most of the people I know have been raised very conservative, and anything out of the good old country boy mentality is wrong. I met someone a few years back and ended up falling for them but was afraid of someone finding out. I decided to come out to the one person I knew would always be there. My lifelong best friend and current room mate. Man was I wrong. Within a week he was calling me faggot, and accusing me of being after him. I was forced to move out at gunpoint. I moved in with my mother for a few weeks until word spread to her somehow of the event. She quit speaking to me and I was once again homeless. The effects seemed to ripple for a while causing the majority of people in my life to condemn me for a so-called perversion of nature( there were a few people who considered me the same good friend I had always been and stood by me but they were few). I only mention this BC now its a few years later, and I've finally got my life back together, somewhat at least lol. The whole thing was smoothed over with silence, and denial by my friends and family. They treat it as if it never happened and they look at me like the music playing, rock climbing country boy they all want me to be.
    I'm tired of hiding, and being alone, I want to go to the bars and make friend. The problem is now I commute 40 min to Birmingham for work and I work with the person who first freaked out on me. Needless to say there's been mentions and fights, but getting a new job is not an option. I make more money than I ever have and excluding the constant homophobic and racist remarks coworkers and bosses make I love the job. But if someone spots me downtown and brings up my sexuality at work I really could lose my job. I desperately need to stop living a double and most of the time solitary life, but due to the previously mentioned instances and many more I've become socially jaded. I am litteraly afraid to go out and meet new people. Its like I've been alone so long I've forgotten how to make new friends or relationships. Plus I'm not feminine in anyway and I'm attracted to other masculine men, and most of the times the only people I've met or that take interest in me are feminine(not that its a problem I'm just not into it). I don't know what to do. I feel like a minority within a minority, in an area where there is a small gay culture anyway. Has anyone been through something similar, and can offer advice? Anything, would be apriciated.:help: thanks
     
  2. aboutface

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    I don't have good answers, and I'm sorry your situation is so awful.

    You say getting a new job isn't an option, and I don't mean to tell you you're wrong, but with your situation I am tempted to just tell you to move a ways away and try to start a new life. I'm in Mississippi, although my situation isn't so dire, and contemplating something similar. You say you're making decent money, well maybe you can manage start (or keep?) saving as much of it as you can to give yourself more financial flexibility in the future.

    At the very least, could you move to Birmingham? Rereading, it isn't clear but it sounds like you might be rooming with that same guy who pulled a gun on you before? I'm sorry, but for me that would just be completely unacceptable and I'd want to at least get out of that situation as a first step. Even if I read that wrong, actually living in the city could allow you to distance yourself from those destructive influences in your life a little bit and might open up more opportunities for easier undetected exploration.
     
    #2 aboutface, Jan 10, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2015
  3. oscarneedslove

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    Hey Firetamer,
    first of all you are not alone. Keep in mind that there are many gay guys like you either in the South or different parts of the world. I am sure there are many guys here who has a similar story.
    My story is really different than yours but consequences are almost the same. We are also in the same age range and I know how hard to be out. It is also really hard to explain this situation to other closeted gays who live in more liberal areas.
    I would like to share my story with you in more details but I am in a depression and I don't feel good right now but I promise I will give you some advice. Just keep in touch.
    In summary I was born in a very homophobic country and my parents are homophobic(they don't even want to admit that gays exist) and I came to the US about 7 years ago. I am still on a temporary visa and I still have the fear of going back to the country I was born. I completed my PhD and I was always in the closet for those years until the summer of 2014. I am working on getting a green card/US citizenship but it is a really tough and long way to there. Until I feel safe I don't think I will be comfortable being openly gay. I also live in a very conservative small town in upstate NY. I guess Alabama might be worse but here people are very homophobic too. I recently told a few friends of mine who live on the west coast. They are more open minded but they are not my close friends too. I wasn't able to get the support I expected. I also came out to my closest friend there and since then he has been ignoring me and thinks that I have a crush on him(which was true years ago but not anymore). He was the closest person and we were talking almost at least couple of times a week now he doesn't reply my messages, totally ignores me or sometimes reply with a very cold short sentence.
    My workplace is supposed to be a gay friendly place based on the code of conduct. But I know most coworkers are extremely ANTI-gay bigots so I live a double life. I had a chance to date a very cute but he very rudely dumped me and I had no one to get support other than this forum. I cried at workplace and they thought I broke up with my girlfriend(that's what they believe).
    I spent a few months in Arkansas and I know how hard the life can be in rural parts of Alabama. Just stick with this forum. I am sure there must be someone here who might have better suggestions. I can't give you a good answer but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and there is always chance and hope.(*hug*)
     
  4. bi2me

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    Are there any support groups? I lived in Birmingham for a few years, so I know what people can be like there - smile to your face and shoot you in the back. I think it's good you found EC, and maybe you can find a friend IRL to talk with too. Atlanta has a thriving gay community, and it's fairly close. It might be worth a day trip.
     
  5. firetamer

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    Thanks for taking the time to read and respond to my post. Its comforting to know that people would take the time to offer help even for a complete stranger. To clarify, the man that pulled the gun on me was my roommate at the time. We have lived together many times. He is the closest thing to a brother I've ever had. I was never afraid of him actually shooting me, it was just the fact of him feeling so afraid of me that he would do that is what was so unnerving. He ended up apologizing, and has made several efforts to make things normal again, but every time things are going great and we seem to become very close again, he has a breakdown and freaks out again. It wouldn't be so emotionally straining if we had time apart so he could think things over and realize I'm the same person whose always been there for him as his friend. But we work together and end up spending most of the workday with just the two of us in the part of the warehouse we work in so there's no time apart really. Plus he's still close friends with one of my roommates so I still have to see him outside of work. My current roommates are great though. They said that if I do manage to get the nerve to go out and meet people, it would be awkward for a while iftheycame to our house with me. But they were trying to be honest and told me to just give them time to get used to it, because they only want me to be happey and not to worry. I have thought about moving to Birmingham but the price difference for housing is too much. Our four bedroom house is only $400 in the country with several acres, but that wouldn't even pay for a studio apartment in bham. Plus I got the nerve to go to a gay bar Friday, and on my way in the door a biker friend of my mothers recognized me and said he would half to tell her where I was. I'm not looking forward to that talk with her lol. It seems that I'll just have to get used to the fact that words of my activities will get back to her. I'm just afraid if she realizes I haven't stopped feeling this way. She will disown me again and I'm not sure if I can handle that right now. I'm just tired of choosing to be alone, so my friends and family won't write me off again. Also, I'm typing on a tablet so keep that in mind if some parts seem a little messed up lol.
     
  6. Andrew99

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    Wow u've been through alot! (*Hug*) Is there any possible way you could live anywhere else? Like Florida bc it's not that far and you'll be protected from being gay so u won't lose your job. I think u should move if u possibly can. Since u seem to be making pretty good money. Also if you're looking for gay friends u found them :slight_smile:
     
  7. oscarneedslove

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    Emptyclosets forum is the best place you can find for any kind of support. People here saved my life(literally). When I joined I was suicidal and some of the guys really helped me to get out of the dark side. I had some other really bad times and the only support I was getting was from EC. This place is like home and when you stick around you will understand what I mean. Welcome again to EC.
    You don't have to hang out in gay bars to find someone to date. Gay bars are usually for quick hook ups(not all the time though) and if that's what you are looking for go ahead. There are some good dating sites and if you are okay to drive a little bit out of your town you may even find some nice cute guys to date. I really know how people can be in rural Alabama so you don't have to tell everyone about your sexuality. And welcome again and stay strong(*hug*)
     
    #7 oscarneedslove, Jan 11, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2015
  8. firetamer

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    Thanks for the support. If it was feasible to move from Alabama I think I would, maby. At the same time its been my home for 26 years it all I know so I'm not really sure if I could say goodbye for good. It seems I have a unique situation. I know other people have had similar experiences in the south, and some far worse. Its just the few gay guys I do know were kicked out of home when it became known, but they still have had really great live and social acceptance besides that. A few of them are flamming loud and proud and have never had a problem. I think some of the people that have found out about me feel betrayed. They feel like I've been their best friend for years and and have seen them naked, gone camping, and had them open up emotionally under false pretences BC they couldn't tell I was gay and I never told them. Which is rediculous to me, but its hard to get them to understand. No matter how hard I've tried to fit in with the normal crowd, I never have. All I ever wanted was to be normal, and not feel like a freak. But I'm at a point in my life where I've accepted the fact that I like men, and that doesn't make me a freak. Just different. I want to go to the gay bars primarily to make friends not hook ups. I've always been really self conscious which has translated into a less promiscuous lifestyle. I just suck at meeting people and making new friends. I tried the online dating thing once and it's not for me. Seems to impersonal. I'm more nervous and paranoid about meeting people online than I am in person. Not sure why though. So that leaves me at a weird place. I want to meet people and start dating but it seems I never meet the masculine type of guy with the same interests as me. Plus, you know, I'm hairy and kinda bearish(I guess that's the right term), and everyone that seems to talk or hit on me is shaven and preppy and all about lady ga ga or the new phad at the time, and thats fine but doesn't do it for me. I've even had a few people admit to me that they were trying to hook up with me BC they thought I was straighten at first and I seemed like a challenge. So between that, and all the hate / fear / frustration towards me from friends and family, my minds kinda boggled right now.